Need help explaining guns to girlfriend

[faris1984]

love would solve everything. It does not.

a piece of experience up line..
You should take every word this man said.

[faris1984]

Warning! Danger! Your impulse is the absolute worst response in this kind of situation. "Here are some facts and figures that prove why you're wrong" is the last thing you should do.

Here's why: Your girlfriend's position is based, obviously, on her emotions, not reasoned thinking. Objective information, no matter how "right," will simply bounce off her defenses and she'll think you're insensitive (because, let's admit it, you will be).

The only approach that has a chance of working in a situation like this is...

1. Set aside logic, reason and facts. Don't abandon them; just set them aside.
2. Tell her you'd like to understand more about how she feels about firearms.
3. Let her know you hear her concerns by repeating key points back to her. You can do this by saying "OK, let me see if I understand what you're saying...." Do not judge what she says; just repeat it.
4. Ask in a caring way, "What do you think might be making you feel that way?" and follow up on the answers.
5. Ask her what she thinks all of that might mean for your relationship. Do not argue. Just nod and say OK, I get it.
6. Say, with a completely straight face and all the honesty and caring that you ought to be able to muster if you truly care about her: "Thank you for being open with your feelings about this. I understand now why you might feel so uncomfortable/scared/angry/whatever."

That is all for now. Resist with all your willpower the urge to jump in at this point with facts, figures or any kind of convincing. This is a key step. Do not skip it.

Give it at least 48 hours. Do not mention guns or let her see them at all during this time.

7. When the time seems right, tell her, "You know, I've been thinking a lot about how you feel about my having a firearm for self-defense. I really appreciate your being willing to share your feelings with me, and you've really helped me understand where you're coming from. I've been wondering about a couple of things I'd like to ask you about; would that be OK?"

8. Assuming she says yes, ask her something like this: "OK, so I've been thinking about what happened in Charlotte in that church (or what happened the other night with the dog, or whatever feels right). If we were together in a situation like that [NOTE: You can substitute a scenario like a movie you saw together, or a street fair, etc.] and some sick person tried to hurt us with a knife or a gun, would you feel better knowing that there was someone who could protect us from getting hurt or killed? What if someone there with us was an off-duty police officer--would you feel better knowing that he or she had the training and the means to stop the attack? What if there were no off-duty police officer there, and what if it was me? What if I had the training and the ability to stop the attacker and protect people? Would you want me to do something to protect us? I'm just wondering how you'd feel about that." (Use whatever version of that language you feel is natural for you.)

Know that she's very likely to say she just wishes that that kind of thing never happened. Agree with her. ("Yeah, me too.") Then say something like "Listen, if you feel uncomfortable around a gun, I don't want to make you even more uncomfortable. That's not my style and I do care a lot about how you feel. But because I care about you and your safety, and also my own, I'm going to do everything I can do to protect us. I've had extensive training and practice, and I've gone through all the background checks and legal paperwork to have a firearm so I can protect myself and the people I care about from bad people. That's just who I am. I'm not really good about explaining it any better than that, but I feel really strongly about it."

Then shut up. Don't pressure her for an answer. If she never brings it up again, why should you? If she breaks up with you, logic and facts were never going to convince her.

Damn, that's a long post, but it represents hard-learned lessons. Hope it does some good.

She is not his wife yet and she is controlling him.
When she become a wife you will regret for not fixing this thing long time a go.

[71MUSTY]

On our next date, at night, on the way home,you could just stop for gas in a really rough looking neighborhood. Let her stay in the cat and lock the doors while you go in and pay. Spend long enough inside "paying" for her to get some situational awareness.

She will either change her mind or never speak to you again.

Either way you win.


Me, personally I'd just say next. Life is too short to spend more then one night with the wrong dates.

[hunterb]

Late 30's? C'mon OP, you know better.

BTW, Sean Penn melted his guns down for Charlize Theron.
...she has since dumped him.

Women want an alpha. Tell her guns allow you to protect yourself and your loved ones, and anything that gets in the way of that is going to get hurt, so she should probably leave now. She will either storm off in a huff, or get super horny.

Either way, you win.

[Surf & Turf]

My normal response to anyone who might ask:

" I am just happy to see you!"

[Jay-El]

She is not his wife yet and she is controlling him.
When she become a wife you will regret for not fixing this thing long time a go.

What I suggested is a way to fix it. She's trying to control him because she's scared and/or uncomfortable. The dumbest possible thing the OP could do is make her feel invalidated....at least if he is interested in a long-term relationship with her.

It's also worth pointing out that many a man has been pilloried by a woman for being insensitive to her feelings. If nothing else, the OP can use this opportunity to stand on his principles without making someone else feel overpowered or her feelings disrespected.

I can't speak for anyone else, but why anyone would want a serious relationship with a woman who allowed other people to disregard her emotions is beyond me.

There's a time and a place for rational argument, but this isn't it. If the OP's relationship ends, at least he wasn't an insensitive jerk. Good luck to anyone who tries to rationally argue his way out of that label.

[Jay-El]

I think this sums it up nicely:

[jeremiah12]

To address various questions: I'm in my late 30s. I do have a CCW (CPL up here in WA). We've been going out since February 2013.

I just now asked her (texted) if she'd be interested in taking an introduction to firearms class that doesn't involve any range time. This would be the NRA's "Refuse To Be A Victim" class. She said she'll consider it.

It has been 2 years and she has just learned you have guns?!

After a year you really need to let each other in on anything that might be an issue in the relationship. Do not invest more time just because you have investing over 2 years in this relationship already and you are in your late 30s. I made that stupid mistake at the young dumb age of 22 after dating for 6 years (we met in high school).

If she does not come around you have two choices, be miserable and try to hide your guns and have the topic resurface from time to time or you give up your guns for the duration of the relationship. If you both decide to have kids, she will use that to say no guns for the sake of the kids. If married and you divorce, you can bet she will use the guns as an argument for you to not get visitation. That will be an expensive fight.

You need to decide how important guns are to you.

Remember the advice commonly given to women, do not try to change your man. Some women have a need to find a man that need to be fixed or they feel they can change. Then later when they fail at that, they dump the man and complain that he is such a jerk when they knew what he was all along and fell for him because of who he was.

Yes, she might change, do not expect it. Are you willing to give up your guns for her? That probably has the same chance of happening as her being willing to accept you having guns even though she hates them? She might for the short term, but when the sex is not doing it for her any longer, and the heart flutters go away, she will be reminded of the guns she hates and be asking why is she with you.

It takes a lot more to keep a relationship going long term. Make sure you agree on the big issues. Better to cut your losses now than to wake up 10 years from now realizing you I messed up and wasted 10 years of my life. Learn from the mistakes of others.

There is more than one woman out there that is a match for you. You just need to be better at determining the major compatibility issues early rather than letting them wait till much later. My mom would say, think with your big head before thinking with your little head.

[HPBrowningMK3]

When I was single, I used to bring it up gently as one of my hobbies just to see who i was dealing with. If a girl was anti, she was out, no matter how attractive, life is too short to deal with that crap. A few have tried to change me and to get me to drop my hobbies for them after stating they were open minded about it. Guess what? They are history too. What is mind boggling is that they tried to pull these stunts even after I told them what the ground rules were, one of which was "Don't try to fix me, I won't try to change you or fix you".

With this attitude, I'd next her so quickly she wouldn't know what happened.

Good luck, you are gonna need it to keep your balls from being locked up in her purse.

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk

[NYT]

People are trying to tell you something. I think you won't listen because you are "in love" and don't want to face reality. The reality is you hooked up with a psycho b--ch that can't be reasoned with, which isn't that uncommon, but today it will be guns, tomorrow...your car (how's that minivan doing for you) and than maybe she wants to do the neighbor once in a while....but since you want to reason with her, maybe you want to do the neighbor too....

This has to be the stupidest thread I have read on Calguns

you should search for the "visible abs" post.

[Broole]

To address various questions: I'm in my late 30s. I do have a CCW (CPL up here in WA). We've been going out since February 2013.

I just now asked her (texted) if she'd be interested in taking an introduction to firearms class that doesn't involve any range time. This would be the NRA's "Refuse To Be A Victim" class. She said she'll consider it.

Two years? Stop trolling us. You are ***** whipped. Melt your guns into an art project and be done with it.

Either that, or your entire story is BS.

[jeremiah12]

What I suggested is a way to fix it. She's trying to control him because she's scared and/or uncomfortable. The dumbest possible thing the OP could do is make her feel invalidated....at least if he is interested in a long-term relationship with her.

It's also worth pointing out that many a man has been pilloried by a woman for being insensitive to her feelings. If nothing else, the OP can use this opportunity to stand on his principles without making someone else feel overpowered or her feelings disrespected.

I can't speak for anyone else, but why anyone would want a serious relationship with a woman who allowed other people to disregard her emotions is beyond me.

There's a time and a place for rational argument, but this isn't it. If the OP's relationship ends, at least he wasn't an insensitive jerk. Good luck to anyone who tries to rationally argue his way out of that label.

What a bunch of crock. Turn it around for a second. She is making him feel invalidated. She does not care about his feelings. She is disregarding and disrespecting his emotions.

So what if she ends up labeling him an insensitive jerk. That is an emotional label. Anyone who puts a label on anyone based on pure emotion will never be convinced by rational arguments.

BTW, been there done that with couples counseling with the wife. She pulled this BS on me. I played it through with the help of the counsellor (a woman who saw it as a sham like I did). After three sessions my wife figured out no problem can be worked out through dealing with emotions. All we ended up with he hated what the other wanted. We were left with just logic. She was pissed because this came from another woman. She spent the next 6 weeks learning how to deal with her emotions.

She could tell me she was pissed. I would say okay, I understand that. She was angry because that was not enough to get me to change to do things her way. I would say I was pissed and she would go on about how it was her right to do this or that. I would say I know that. Go ahead, I am just telling you I am pissed. You wanted me to be open with my feelings. Now I am going to do what ever. An hour later she would ask me if I was still mad. I would say about what? She would say you have forgotten already? I said I cannot control you. Now, if it was over something that we both should have a say in, then there would be a problem. At that point though you would know about it because you would be served with the divorce papers.

After a couple of years she has gotten it. Yes, I care about her feelings and I do ask about her advice. When it was time to redo the bathroom, she picked out all the colors and types of tile because I do not care about that and am terrible at it. I did not like her choices but when it came together it looked great. It always does.

She cannot stand to deal with cars and mechanics. I love to, my step-dad was a mechanic. I can sit in a shop and talk for hours. I take care of the cars. When it comes to cars, she picks the car she drives. I do give opinions on which ones better choices than others for whatever reasons, but she chooses.

Also, in a relationship, you cannot be everything to the other person. There are times I will tell my wife you really need to talk to your girlfriends about that because I am falling asleep. She used to get mad. I learned to say you want me to be honest, that is honest. I once proposed equal time for gun talk, she decided to call up a friend.

Finally, if you were to keep current on the real psychology science research and not the garbage coming out of the sociology school of thought and the feel good people, you will learn than a large number of women really do not want men as partners that just validate their feelings. They really want men for lifelong partners that are willing to stand up for certain principles and be strong when they are not feeling strong. Of course they do not want a man that will abuse them.

So cut her loose, let her be happy with a man that is also anti. There are plenty of women who are shooters and who would think a great date includes a trip to the gun range followed by dinner. Besides, if children ever come into the picture, would you not want a partner who could also competently use a gun to protect the lives of those children. You are not always going to be around 24/7 to provide security.

[ijustdontknow]

Any issues you have at this stage will be magnified 10x after marriage. **** gets harder not better. Trust me I've been there.


Please blame any typos on my tapathingy

[Picturepro]

You cant make her like guns but you can show her you handle with extreme caution. Its not a toy like in movies or video games.
she might come around, might?
if you force it she might make you sell them all when you have children.

My GF has a 19yr old in air force we went shooting a couple time, went well.
she also has a 12 yr old, last week I asked if I could take her when she is 13. INSTANT NO.
oWell, withed my family took me shooting as a kid. I waited until I was with friends that were in police academe mid 20's
GL

[GunpowderAndLead]

This is tough. I was first introduced to guns by my boyfriend at the time when I was 18. He ended up getting REALLY into them and lets just say many times our dates wound us up at Turners (not that I complained). I would go shooting with him on the weekends. Anything from a 22 rifle to his 45 Glock to his 30 ought 6. He taught me and I've been a fan since. I'm not an expert or will claim to be, but the experience of skeet shooting and indoor ranges gave me a better sense of what being around guns was like. Difference is, I thoroughly enjoyed it from the start. Ask your GF if she would like to go to a range with you. Start her off with a 22 Beretta and see what she thinks. She may say no, and then...you'll have to figure out a balance--seeing as you said not to bother mentioning dumping her. I guess for me I would need to have someone with similar mind sets and interests. ...Guns are one of them. Good luck!