Need help explaining guns to girlfriend

[MJB]

The "list" sounds like a Ant-Gun "101" strait from Bloomberg and Moms demand action. My guess is she has some feeling about guns that have developed via the mass media. Her question of "What gives you the right to decide who dies?" is one of those that the anti's love. The obvious response is "Why does someone else get to decide if I die" but that would only piss her off even more. More importantly though, it also reveals the fact that she honestly believes that you would capriciously use the weapon to take a life for no reason and without thought as to the consequences. If she believes that then either she doesn't really know you or has issues that far outweigh your carrying a gun.

Try your best and see where it goes, she's the one with the problem(s) not you.

+1
Man do you know how to pick them.......is she vegan too??

[bsg]

she's given you fair warning for things to come.

[Broole]

There is so much pre-determined bias and anti-gun dogma there that I wouldn't even bother. Tell her to live with it or kick rocks.

Really.

Pretty much this.

Tell her you want to take her out on a date to the range. If she refuses, or goes and hates it, there is nothing you can say that will change her mind. At the point you have two choices, give in to her demands or cut bait.

You might want to determine the cause of her feelings, in the event it wasn't just the typical anti-gun rhetoric as opposed to the unlikely event somebody close to her committed suicide with a gun or was otherwise shot.

[L84CABO]

Responses in line.

But honestly man, I see very little way that this can work out for you, short of you agreeing to give up guns all together. It doesn't sound like the girl is even open to considering other ideas, much less tolerating them or considering YOUR feelings in all of this.

In no particular order, these are some of her objections to my going about armed:

1. What gives you the right to decide who dies? It isn't my decision. The person attacking me and/or trying to take my life has made the decision for themselves. Life is precious. And I will defend my life against anyone who tries to take it.
   
2. Can you really handle potentially taking someone's life? Yup. And I'll sleep just fine
   
3. Do we really have that much crime that you need to carry a weapon? I'm fine without one. The odds of being attacked are about the same as your house burning down. But that doesn't stop you from having a fire extinguisher and insurance. You have these things because even though the odds are small, what's a stake cannot be replaced. I respect that you don't feel the need to be able to defend your life. You should show me the same respect about my life.
   
4. I'm afraid of a gun accidentally going off. Modern day firearms don't simply go off accidentally. It is only through human intervention that they discharge. Now if what you're really saying is that you don't trust me, that's another conversation that we can have
   
5. Don't you know that a criminal will just take it away? You watch way too many movies and listen to way too much liberal propaganda. There are no credible sources to substantiate this. Please do your research and stop parroting biased media sources
   
6. You're more likely to hurt yourself or me with that thing. See above. Your data is unsubstantiated...or you don't trust me. If you truly don't trust me, then we probably shouldn't be dating
   
7. I think only the police and military should have guns. You're entitled to your opinions. I, however, believe strongly in my civil rights and exercising them. Exercising my 2A rights is something I believe very strongly in and is not negotiable.
   
8. Do you really go around criminals who'd want to hurt you? Bad things happen to good people. I'm pretty sure none of the people who went to the movies that night in Aurora expected that they would be attacked by a nut job. Often times it has nothing to do with who you associate with. You can simply be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
   
9. Don't ever carry one when you go out with me. I guess we won't be dating much then
   

[SB1964]

Keep it simple. If you have to explain yourself, maybe make another choice next time. I don't bother dating antis, they're not worth it.

If it gets this far...Take her shooting outside, at BLM maybe? Stay away from the louder indoor ranges. Go over some safety stuff & let her shoot a .22 rifle or pistol. DO NOT get carried away & hand her a larger caliber. If you scare her it's over for you & her to at least attempt to understand shooting.

Excessive recoil & hard to handle firearms scare away many men & women forever!

[Sharp Shooter]

You're making a mistake trying to change her mind with logic when her dislike of firearms is obviously emotional.

^^^ This.

she's given you fair warning for things to come.

^^^ And this.

If you are this far apart on this issue it's likely you will not see eye-to-eye on other issues. You are not compatable you will eventually break up, it's just a question of when.

[e90bmw]

In no particular order, these are some of her objections to my going about armed:

1. What gives you the right to decide who dies?
   
2. Can you really handle potentially taking someone's life?
   
3. Do we really have that much crime that you need to carry a weapon? I'm fine without one.
   
4. I'm afraid of a gun accidentally going off.
   
5. Don't you know that a criminal will just take it away?
   
6. You're more likely to hurt yourself or me with that thing.
   
7. I think only the police and military should have guns.
   
8. Do you really go around criminals who'd want to hurt you?
   
9. Don't ever carry one when you go out with me.
   

1. Nobody, I just don't want the other guy to decide it's me.
2. I can't bear the though of someone hurting you or someone else I care about and I could not bear the fact that I was helpless if it happens.
3. You don't need to carry, I will.
4. They don't accidentally go off. You need to pull the trigger. Take her to the range.
5. They might attempt to take it away and that would be a mistake.. For them.
6. I'm trained well. Do you think a cop will hurt himself?
7. The supreme court thinks differently and our constitution says differently.
8. No criminals go everywhere. I travel safe, but I can't prevent the criminal from going anywhere.
9. You won't know. Concealed means concealed.

Find a new girlfriend that is not anti.
All it will take is one bad incident and she will change her mind.

My wife was a little anti when we met.
She is now very supportive.

[faris1984]

You don't need to explain , just get a new girl friend.

[Jay-El]

My girlfriend has a general dislike of firearms. When I revealed to her that I regularly carry one concealed, even when I go out with her, she was severely pissed off -- possibly to the point of breaking up with me. I need an article of some sort to cleanly, quickly, and non-judgmentally explain why she's wrong and should support my decision to carry a weapon.

...

I need some simple hard facts and figures easily proven and easily digestible.

Warning! Danger! Your impulse is the absolute worst response in this kind of situation. "Here are some facts and figures that prove why you're wrong" is the last thing you should do.

Here's why: Your girlfriend's position is based, obviously, on her emotions, not reasoned thinking. Objective information, no matter how "right," will simply bounce off her defenses and she'll think you're insensitive (because, let's admit it, you will be).

The only approach that has a chance of working in a situation like this is...

1. Set aside logic, reason and facts. Don't abandon them; just set them aside.
2. Tell her you'd like to understand more about how she feels about firearms.
3. Let her know you hear her concerns by repeating key points back to her. You can do this by saying "OK, let me see if I understand what you're saying...." Do not judge what she says; just repeat it.
4. Ask in a caring way, "What do you think might be making you feel that way?" and follow up on the answers.
5. Ask her what she thinks all of that might mean for your relationship. Do not argue. Just nod and say OK, I get it.
6. Say, with a completely straight face and all the honesty and caring that you ought to be able to muster if you truly care about her: "Thank you for being open with your feelings about this. I understand now why you might feel so uncomfortable/scared/angry/whatever."

That is all for now. Resist with all your willpower the urge to jump in at this point with facts, figures or any kind of convincing. This is a key step. Do not skip it.

Give it at least 48 hours. Do not mention guns or let her see them at all during this time.

7. When the time seems right, tell her, "You know, I've been thinking a lot about how you feel about my having a firearm for self-defense. I really appreciate your being willing to share your feelings with me, and you've really helped me understand where you're coming from. I've been wondering about a couple of things I'd like to ask you about; would that be OK?"

8. Assuming she says yes, ask her something like this: "OK, so I've been thinking about what happened in Charlotte in that church (or what happened the other night with the dog, or whatever feels right). If we were together in a situation like that [NOTE: You can substitute a scenario like a movie you saw together, or a street fair, etc.] and some sick person tried to hurt us with a knife or a gun, would you feel better knowing that there was someone who could protect us from getting hurt or killed? What if someone there with us was an off-duty police officer--would you feel better knowing that he or she had the training and the means to stop the attack? What if there were no off-duty police officer there, and what if it was me? What if I had the training and the ability to stop the attacker and protect people? Would you want me to do something to protect us? I'm just wondering how you'd feel about that." (Use whatever version of that language you feel is natural for you.)

Know that she's very likely to say she just wishes that that kind of thing never happened. Agree with her. ("Yeah, me too.") Then say something like "Listen, if you feel uncomfortable around a gun, I don't want to make you even more uncomfortable. That's not my style and I do care a lot about how you feel. But because I care about you and your safety, and also my own, I'm going to do everything I can do to protect us. I've had extensive training and practice, and I've gone through all the background checks and legal paperwork to have a firearm so I can protect myself and the people I care about from bad people. That's just who I am. I'm not really good about explaining it any better than that, but I feel really strongly about it."

Then shut up. Don't pressure her for an answer. If she never brings it up again, why should you? If she breaks up with you, logic and facts were never going to convince her.

Damn, that's a long post, but it represents hard-learned lessons. Hope it does some good.

[faris1984]

Drop her off in a bad part of town at midnight and ask if she would like a gun. Then leave her there and say, "Good luck."

Don't date cowardly ignoramuses. Plenty of fish in the sea dude. You're probably young and this is your first piece of nookie and you think you're gonna marry it. Lol. RUN.

+1....

[ElvenSoul]

Ummm pics? Before we tell you to find new GF.

[jeremiah12]

Show her what ??? tell her what ??? explain what ??? -- Waste of TIME and energy

It's NONE OF HER BUSINESS ... it's NOT her LTC, not her gun, NOT her decision.

Be a man ... make a stand; NO explanation, no reasoning (as if that were possible), and no talking about it.

You have decided and that's the way it is ... and then move on, never to be discussed ever again.

Pretty simple remedy if you ask me.

ZirconJohn is right.

The short version of my story. When I dated the woman who became my wife, she was uneasy about guns. I was not a hard core shooter, but I liked to take my lever gun out every once in a while. This is the one I used for self-defense when I was younger. Since that time, I always kept it loaded and near me at home.

Then years later we wanted kids. She wanted the gun unloaded and hidden so our newborn son could not even find it. I agreed, guns and young children do not mix.

Then I brought up buying a .22 to teach him to shoot. She was against it. She was taught to shoot by her dad, and did so regularly. Guns were okay if they were at her dad's house or being shot under her dad's direction. Not in her house. I dropped it, I thought it was not worth the fight. I took up martial arts with my son and got fairly proficient. I used it for self-defense a couple of times so guns were not high on my list.

Fast forward, a few years ago I had a stroke. It took 3 years to recover to the point I could go back to work full time. For over a year I was frail and could barely walk even with a cane. I needed a cane for 2 years. I knew I was physically incapable of protecting myself from the majority of thugs that would try to attack me. A few run ins with homeless bums proved that. I needed the one great equalizer, a gun.

I got my first handgun a G19. (This was a week after Sandy Hook) My wife was more than angry. I tried to reason with her. I tried every thing. She did get over it but I had to hide it and only went to the range when she was busy doing other things. A great solution. :face palm:

Then I decided to get a 10/22 so I could teach my son to shoot. The LGS I went to had two that just came in. I got both. My wife went ballistic. I was not going to teach our son how to use a gun. Well, he was 18, so I said it was his decision. We had a great time going to the gun range. He ended up with my G19. I am a lefty and my stroke made it impossible for me to safely drop mags because I still could not get my two hands to work together. So I bought a gen 4 G26.

Then my wife really got angry. I will spare the details. I was trying to appease her to avoid a divorce (married for 30 years at that point) but I was not going to give the guns.

I posted on the Ladies forum to ask for the advise of women. One gave me the best advise. Tell her I made a decision that I need a gun to ensure the safety of the family. That is my job. This decision is not up for debate. I made it logically and not based on emotions. You are more than welcomed to come to the range with me to see me shoot, you are more than welcomed to shoot my guns, you are more than welcomed to buy your own gun, and you are free to not have your own gun.

If you cannot live with that, there is the door. Getting a divorce will be your decision. I do not want a divorce and I will not give up my guns as I am not doing anything illegal. You asking me to give up my guns is like me asking you to give up knitting because I am afraid you will poke someone's eye out with the pointed ends of the knitting needles.

From now on, if you bring up the topic of me getting rid of my guns or your disapproval, I will leave the house and likely go to the range for a few hours.

She ultimately decided my guns were okay. She has gone to the range with my son and I though she will not shoot yet. Her change was not overnight.

You only are dating her. In the scheme of life, guns are a big issue in a relationship. If I had to do over again I would not have married the woman I did. The gun issue was big. I ignored a few other big issues that I thought could be overlooked because love would solve everything. It does not.

Your GF is having an emotional response. A logical reply will have little effect in changing her opinion. Been there done that. The only hope is to change her emotions about it and one of the best ways is to try to get her to go shooting with you. If she will go, start with a .22.

BTW, my wife is not so happy, a mutual friend of ours, whom we know from work, wants me to take her shooting when it cools off this fall. She has never been shooting and thinks it would be cool. She learned about my shooting one day when my wife complained to her that I was going to spend one Saturday with our son at the range.

[Jay-El]

Show he this thread. Let her read it for herself.

That, with respect to johnthomas, would be cray-cray and a gigantic insult. I'll save the OP the trouble and just tell him what his GF would say: "You posted something about me all over the Internet in front of your gun-nut friends, you jerkwad?"

The chances of her then saying, "OK, sure, I'll take a look at it and let their rational arguments change how I feel" are...zero.

[TheSpaceNeedle]

So what do you two have in common exactly?

[Frotz]

To address various questions: I'm in my late 30s. I do have a CCW (CPL up here in WA). We've been going out since February 2013.

I just now asked her (texted) if she'd be interested in taking an introduction to firearms class that doesn't involve any range time. This would be the NRA's "Refuse To Be A Victim" class. She said she'll consider it.