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What a bunch of crock. Turn it around for a second. She is making him feel invalidated. She does not care about his feelings. She is disregarding and disrespecting his emotions.
So what if she ends up labeling him an insensitive jerk. That is an emotional label. Anyone who puts a label on anyone based on pure emotion will never be convinced by rational arguments.
BTW, been there done that with couples counseling with the wife. She pulled this BS on me. I played it through with the help of the counsellor (a woman who saw it as a sham like I did). After three sessions my wife figured out no problem can be worked out through dealing with emotions. All we ended up with he hated what the other wanted. We were left with just logic. She was pissed because this came from another woman. She spent the next 6 weeks learning how to deal with her emotions.
She could tell me she was pissed. I would say okay, I understand that. She was angry because that was not enough to get me to change to do things her way. I would say I was pissed and she would go on about how it was her right to do this or that. I would say I know that. Go ahead, I am just telling you I am pissed. You wanted me to be open with my feelings. Now I am going to do what ever. An hour later she would ask me if I was still mad. I would say about what? She would say you have forgotten already? I said I cannot control you. Now, if it was over something that we both should have a say in, then there would be a problem. At that point though you would know about it because you would be served with the divorce papers.
After a couple of years she has gotten it. Yes, I care about her feelings and I do ask about her advice. When it was time to redo the bathroom, she picked out all the colors and types of tile because I do not care about that and am terrible at it. I did not like her choices but when it came together it looked great. It always does.
She cannot stand to deal with cars and mechanics. I love to, my step-dad was a mechanic. I can sit in a shop and talk for hours. I take care of the cars. When it comes to cars, she picks the car she drives. I do give opinions on which ones better choices than others for whatever reasons, but she chooses.
Also, in a relationship, you cannot be everything to the other person. There are times I will tell my wife you really need to talk to your girlfriends about that because I am falling asleep. She used to get mad. I learned to say you want me to be honest, that is honest. I once proposed equal time for gun talk, she decided to call up a friend.
Finally, if you were to keep current on the real psychology science research and not the garbage coming out of the sociology school of thought and the feel good people, you will learn than a large number of women really do not want men as partners that just validate their feelings. They really want men for lifelong partners that are willing to stand up for certain principles and be strong when they are not feeling strong. Of course they do not want a man that will abuse them.
So cut her loose, let her be happy with a man that is also anti. There are plenty of women who are shooters and who would think a great date includes a trip to the gun range followed by dinner. Besides, if children ever come into the picture, would you not want a partner who could also competently use a gun to protect the lives of those children. You are not always going to be around 24/7 to provide security.
So what if she ends up labeling him an insensitive jerk. That is an emotional label. Anyone who puts a label on anyone based on pure emotion will never be convinced by rational arguments.
BTW, been there done that with couples counseling with the wife. She pulled this BS on me. I played it through with the help of the counsellor (a woman who saw it as a sham like I did). After three sessions my wife figured out no problem can be worked out through dealing with emotions. All we ended up with he hated what the other wanted. We were left with just logic. She was pissed because this came from another woman. She spent the next 6 weeks learning how to deal with her emotions.
She could tell me she was pissed. I would say okay, I understand that. She was angry because that was not enough to get me to change to do things her way. I would say I was pissed and she would go on about how it was her right to do this or that. I would say I know that. Go ahead, I am just telling you I am pissed. You wanted me to be open with my feelings. Now I am going to do what ever. An hour later she would ask me if I was still mad. I would say about what? She would say you have forgotten already? I said I cannot control you. Now, if it was over something that we both should have a say in, then there would be a problem. At that point though you would know about it because you would be served with the divorce papers.
After a couple of years she has gotten it. Yes, I care about her feelings and I do ask about her advice. When it was time to redo the bathroom, she picked out all the colors and types of tile because I do not care about that and am terrible at it. I did not like her choices but when it came together it looked great. It always does.
She cannot stand to deal with cars and mechanics. I love to, my step-dad was a mechanic. I can sit in a shop and talk for hours. I take care of the cars. When it comes to cars, she picks the car she drives. I do give opinions on which ones better choices than others for whatever reasons, but she chooses.
Also, in a relationship, you cannot be everything to the other person. There are times I will tell my wife you really need to talk to your girlfriends about that because I am falling asleep. She used to get mad. I learned to say you want me to be honest, that is honest. I once proposed equal time for gun talk, she decided to call up a friend.
Finally, if you were to keep current on the real psychology science research and not the garbage coming out of the sociology school of thought and the feel good people, you will learn than a large number of women really do not want men as partners that just validate their feelings. They really want men for lifelong partners that are willing to stand up for certain principles and be strong when they are not feeling strong. Of course they do not want a man that will abuse them.
So cut her loose, let her be happy with a man that is also anti. There are plenty of women who are shooters and who would think a great date includes a trip to the gun range followed by dinner. Besides, if children ever come into the picture, would you not want a partner who could also competently use a gun to protect the lives of those children. You are not always going to be around 24/7 to provide security.
I don't recall suggesting that the OP not stand up for his principles. I only suggested that he make a point to listen to her feelings first. Since she's obviously coming from an emotional place and not a rational one, reasoned arguments aren't likely to be effective -- or even heard -- until the emotional part is addressed (sounds like what happened in your experience with your wife and the marriage counselor).
As for being strong when she can't, that's kind of the whole point, isn't it? He's telling her, "Hey, I've got this."
This isn't garbage coming out a sociology school of thought. It isn't sit-in-a-circle-and-have-a-group-cry crap either. It's personal experience learned over a lot of years, plus professional experience and training in defusing crisis situations.
Finally, although it works for me, it doesn't work all the time, and it may not work for everyone.
This is perfect! Everyone should lay out their ground rules with potential suitors for good reason--LIFE IS TOO SHORT. Politics, religions, wanting kids, guns, smoking...that crap should be laid out on the line so to not get so far in and have something like this go down. Well said sir, well said.
This thread is a strong contender for troll of the weeK!
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