How to make her understand.

[bruss01]

So my wife and I get into heated arguments over my purchase of items such as ammo,gun accessories,new guns,etc. Even browsing online websites that cater to addicts like myself and not to mention calguns.net raises an eyebrow from her. My thing is besides being a gun enthusiast and supporter of our Constitutional rights,I believe in stocking up on firearms and ammo for the worst case scenario. She argues until we have everything paid off,credit cards,motorcycle,etc. that I shouldn't spend on ANYTHING gun related. NOTHING! NO AMMO,NOTHING! Well,first how am I suppose to practice with NO AMMO! Second,I make pretty good $,stuff is getting taken care off,and no matter what,**** always comes up! I have to hide my activities because I don't want to piss her off,but of course when she finds out about something new or a shipment coming in,we get into arguments about it! Any advice? Maybe a women's perspective?

First of all, figure out what the issue is really about. Is it about guns? or is it really about money? Or, are you ready for this, is it really about POWER?

If it's about money:
In our house, we have a 10% + 100 rule. We each bring a check into the household every 2 weeks. You bring in a check, you get 10% of the amount of the check, plus $100, for your personal spending money. That money is for each of us to do whatever we want with. Bubble gum, manicure, amusement park, guns, ammo, sequin purses, video game, whatever. If it's not a legitimate household expense, it's a personal expense. Groceries, utilities, rent, and vehicle maintenance are all household expenses. Wife doesn't say word one about what I spend my money on, and I extend her the same courtesy. Sounds like you two haven't worked out a system for that yet. You don't like the amount of your personal spending money? then get a source of supplemental income - a part time job, selling stuff on e-bay, odd jobs or flea market. If your monthly expenses are too high for the amounts I've suggested to work, then adjust it, or your expenses. Both of you have to be fiscally responsible, but you also both have to have a little freedom otherwise no one is going to be happy your relationship.

If it's about guns and she is just using the money angle to thwart your gun ambitions, you two need to have a talk about being direct with each other instead of hiding behind bogus issues when you "talk". Implement the money solution above and then have the same talk with her about guns in 3 months, see if it makes a difference.

If it's about power in the relationship, then you need to have a frank talk and/or counselling. Most relationships with power issues don't have a bright future. Here's hoping yours is the exception.

Good luck, and IMHO it's not really about guns, it's about money or power.

[GP3]

I have to hide my activities because I don't want to piss her off

Threads like these are so depressing. Then I remember why I'm NOT married.

[Bird of Fire]

Noooooooo..

All married couples go throw this IMO.. either the man caves in early in the relationship and ends up asking for everything for the rest of his life or you get to the point where you're simply informing the other what the plans or for the weekend and seeing / hoping they fit together.. if not, well then you'll just see her later on that evening..

IMPO it’s worth the initial fights trust me..

Agreed 100%.

Had I stood my ground early on in my marriage, I would still be the owner of a 1967 Pontiac Firebird 400 Hardtop. One of roughly 18,000 made.

But I didn't, and I'm no longer the owner of a cool car. And now I'm getting divorced. Cest la vie. Live and learn.

[bruss01]

Just adding...

If you are spending a lot of money on guns, and she is living like a nun and all her income is going to pay bills, I can see her being frustrated about trying to make progress while she sees you as being a drain on the resources. If you have conflicting goals (she wants to be debt free asap, you want to spend discretionary income on your hobby) then you need to negotiate a solution both of you can live with. Both of you have to be reasonable in this endeavor in coming up with a solution that you can still find acceptable six months or a year from now. If you're "making good money" keep in mind that in this economy, that may not be true six months down the road. That might make her feel insecure, knowing there are all these debts piling up and if one or both of you loose a job, no way to pay for them.

I'd say, if you can pay down the debts in the near term by taking 401k money or tax refund and paying them off, do that before buying a new (non necessary right this month) gun. I'm assuming you already have a handgun, a rifle and a shotgun and enough ammo to deter a home invasion. This will show her you are willing and able to put the needs of the family before your personal desires. That should earn you some "street cred" when it comes to being fiscally responsible, and she should be willing to be a little more understanding when you indulge your hobby interests.

If you're "prepping" and feel that what you do is a "family" expense but she feels differently, then you're in a tough boat. You need to be realistic. The biggest disaster a man can encounter is to have a marriage fall apart. You need to "prep" for that contingency before all others. By prep, I mean, do reasonable preventive maintenance (not by indulging her every whim) but by taking her fears (sounds like financial security is on her mind) into account. So use family funds to pay off family debt, and have a moratorium on new debt. Debt is bad, you don't need us here to tell you that. You may have to use your personal allowance to buy guns, ammo, storage food, etc. Yes that will mean it will happen slowly. You may shoot less. You also may take more time and be more careful with how your prep dollars are spent. You may find yourself shooting more .22 lr. Don't ever shoot more than half the ammo you buy, put the other half in a "rainy day" fund that you never shoot for fun-time range ammo.

Are you angry about making $100k a year and not being able to go out and blow $1k a month on gun stuff? A comment comes to mind, something along the lines of "grow the F up already" or something like that. This is reality, this is the grown-up world, and sacrifices of our "wants" are made on the altar of adult "needs" such as a coherent family resource management plan. When you got married, the days of spending willy-nilly just because you make x amount were over because now you have responsibility for two futures in your hands. Not saying that's you, but I have known people like that and they need a good strong dose of GTFUA.

I think that if you make a major commitment to debt-reduction and put some structure in place concerning spending on personal interest items, she will feel less like a passenger on a bus where the driver is passed out at the wheel. And when that happens, her resentment of your gun-interest will start to abate.

JMHO

[bsim]

I don't think this is about guns either. It could be any other hobby.

My wife was very anti-gun, but now she sees how relaxed and happy I am after range sessions. She'll never shoot, but supports me.

Now, if I were to start adding 5k ammo piles ''just to prepare'', and calling range time ''practice'' for SHTF, she'd have me committed.

it's one thing to buy range ammo, and another to stockpile ''in preparation'' while not paying down CC bills.

[para38super]

I got a Solution for you. Buy a Gun you really want thats one fight. Then buy a couple thousand rounds thats another fight and you should be set for a while till you pay down your debt so she can be happy.
I loves guns but my priority is to get out of debt!

[haveyourmile]

I'll have to echo the sentiments of the others here who say, find some common ground, and this does not sound like it's just about the guns.

My girlfriend and I live together, and have a joint bank account. We also each have our separate accounts. When we need to take the dog to the vet, pay our comcast bill, pay rent, buy groceries, or go out to dinner (unless one of us specifically is treating), then we use the joint account. When I want to buy ammo, new backpacking equipment, tint my car windows, etc etc, then I use MY bank account. We both put in what we can afford to the joint account each month (usually 60%) and then the rest we keep in our own separate accounts. We don't ever argue about money, she spends $$$ on stuff I think is dumb, and when I spend $700 on a TV I want, although she may think its stupid, it's my money and she supports me

[berto]

Your issue isn't the guns, ammo, etc. It's a combination of the time and money you spend on them. Your wife feels your priorities are off. She may be right, she may be wrong, but in any case your priorities are different than hers.

Hiding your purchases is wrong. You're seeking to avoid conflict, which inevitably comes up anyway, instead of confronting the real issues your wife has with what you refer to as your addiction. If you're going to disregard her feelings at least sack up and do it in the open. Hiding implies you know it's wrong and that makes her feel even worse.

She's obviously worried about money. You obviously feel you're in an ok place. You need to compromise somewhere between her position of no spending on guns/ammo and your position of spending and hiding it.

Bottom line is your wife needs to feel safe and secure. Emotionally, physically, and financially. You can work this out.

[Steyrlp10]

At this point, you have enough advice to come to some sort of decision. It's all about making choices -- regardless if the two of you as a married couple agree or not.

In my case, I've seen both sides of this story. My first husband pretty much was an impulse buyer. It got to a point where I was worried about keeping a roof over the heads of our kids. His priorities definitely did not include me or our children.

At present, life has improved vastly. My current husband made a decent living and has decided to fish the bass tournament circuit. I have made up for lost time and continue with pistol competitions. I now bring home the bacon. Both our sports cost a pretty penny, but we make joint decisions and set aside joint funds to make both succeed.

There's no easy solution, but as many of the Calgunners have mentioned, you have to find some sort of common ground and go from there. I wish you the best of luck because money is the scariest debate in a relationship.

[odysseus]

She argues until we have everything paid off,credit cards,motorcycle,etc.

I loves guns but my priority is to get out of debt!

Agreed. Outside of some ammo and a trip to the range or something, honestly if you are sitting on large discretionary spending debt like credit cards and fun-run vehicle payments, that is your priority.

There are a few top issues for married couples. A top one is money. What that translates to mostly is "security". Your wife maybe feeling less secure if perceives you spending in what she might consider reckless while the debt is bothering her and she feels that is unfair to her. It might just come down to sitting down and coming together on goals and finances.

If she is being unreasonable, that is one thing - but I am going to take the side here on you two getting on the same page IMHO and you leading and managing confidence to her.

[dark_ninja]

Wow! A little feedback here!

First I'll start off by saying that typically my ammo purchases are for range days,which typically are about once every 1 1/2 months.

The recent purchase I made that pissed the wife off was my order for some HD ammo,100 9mm and 50 45 ACP.

Second,I've come to the realization that even in a SHTF scenario,I/We would be better off than the average person in terms of armament. Not to mention,I doubt that maxing out credit cards and spending all my income on weapons and ammo is a smart decision because doomsday may never come.

Thirdly,thinking deeper on this issue,it may or may not be all about money. Then again this is an all too common factor in marriages falling apart. I think setting up some kind of structured spending discipline is really necessary. Taking her out more often and spending some $ wouldn't hurt either! It's just hard because we have a 5 month old. Either way,I strongly believe we should have our own weekly/monthly spending money(that neither should question what we decide to spent it on). In conclusion,I won't back down when it comes to my guns!

[Steyrlp10]

Ok, now that I've read you have a five-month-old, that makes a lot more sense to me since I've been there. Taking care of babies for women is exhausting, physically and mentally. I'm not downplaying what men feel, but the moms are the first ones to field all the childrearing responsibilities. It could be especially difficult for your wife if this is your first child too.

I can only speak from my own experience -- I was all cabin-fevered out when my boys were small -- and to see my ex get to go out with the guys and do his thing while I had about two hours sleep each day, plus cleaning and cooking -- well, I wasn't a happy camper. That doesn't even include putting in an eight hour day at the office. He could care less about what was happening with me.

Maybe she's grumpy about your shooting because she feels that she isn't getting any support in other areas.

The other thing is after having kids, some women don't feel so hot-looking. Not only do you feel tuckered out, but you feel pretty frumpy. She might come around if you remember why you found her attractive and remind her about it too.

[Linkpimp]

DAD..

[dark_ninja]

Ok, now that I've read you have a five-month-old, that makes a lot more sense to me since I've been there. Taking care of babies for women is exhausting, physically and mentally. I'm not downplaying what men feel, but the moms are the first ones to field all the childrearing responsibilities. It could be especially difficult for your wife if this is your first child too.

I can only speak from my own experience -- I was all cabin-fevered out when my boys were small -- and to see my ex get to go out with the guys and do his thing while I had about two hours sleep each day, plus cleaning and cooking -- well, I wasn't a happy camper. That doesn't even include putting in an eight hour day at the office. He could care less about what was happening with me.

Maybe she's grumpy about your shooting because she feels that she isn't getting any support in other areas.

The other thing is after having kids, some women don't feel so hot-looking. Not only do you feel tuckered out, but you feel pretty frumpy. She might come around if you remember why you found her attractive and remind her about it too.

Yeah,I guess we don't realize that as we should. Us men,right? Not to downplay your experience but 2 out of the 5 times in the last 6 months,my wife has gone with me to the range,twice by myself,and once with friends.

BTW,I don't go out much with the exception of work,sometimes gym,and when I stay home for my time off play games and stuff. I don't hit the bars with friends,and usually my wife are always together! But yeah,a lot of the stuff you write does resonate with what my wife feels. I'll start by taking her to get a pedicure today =)

[dark_ninja]

LOL. I hope so! I know so.