Dealing with a Gun-Unfriendly Spouse

[TurboChrisB]

I'd just like to toss my .02 in here.

Tammy, you're obviously a smart, eloquent, well read woman. I have no doubt that if you end up having to take the hard path here...that you will end up in a better place eventually. I was touched by this thread and your honest, insightful comments as I've had similar (but not the same) experiences. Thanks for sharing.

[Dreaded Claymore]

Sad thread

This thread

1. is an extremely good thread.
2. tells a very sad story.

I feel sad that you and your spouse are going through this trouble with these issues. May the Lady and Lord bless you both, always. May it be that everything works out for the ultimate good, no matter what.

[thrasherfox]

I only read the OP's post. So that is what I will adress.

I "HAD" three teenage boys in the house and my wife.

I have a safe an I am the only one with the combo.

When I have a gun out it is typicall a handgun and it is on my side at all times. I dont leave it laying anywhere.

I am EXTREMELY cautious when it comes to my firearms and ensuring no one gets hurt by them. No one else in my household trains as I do with firearms, so for them to have access to them would probably be more problamatic than anything.

I work and go home, if anything were to happen I would more than likely be here anyway. I want to start getting the wife to the range so I feel comfortable with her around guns so I can give her the combo to the safe.

If you take all the corrrect precautions and ensure your firearms are either with you or locked in your safe, there is no reason for your wife to worry, or anyone else.

Your wife needs to understand that most criminals if they are going to do a home invasion, they will be armed. you can choose either to be a victim at their mercy, and most criminals dont show much. or you can try and equalize the situation in order to protect your family. Excuse the pun, but your wife is basically shooting her self in the foot by limiting your ability to protect your family.

Personally, I try to go out shooting as much as I can. not so much because I enjoy it. I really dont that much. cost money, then time cleaning the guns when I get home. rather spend time with the family. the reason I shoot is for one reason, to keep my skill set up to par in case I ever need it for self defense.

[thrasherfox]

My Buddy had the same problem with his very closed minded stubborn and controlling Anti gun partner and he was given the very clear ultimatum when they moved in together on the very first week to get rid of all the things that can kill people ( meaning his pistol and rifle left to him by his late father ) .

Not trying to sound like a bada *****, but I served in the Marine Corps for 10 years and have 30 years of martial arts training. I can easily kill someone with my bare hands. or a kitchen knife, or a pen or pencil etc etc.

So where do you draw the line? anyone can really kill another person with any object of they are threatend enough. anyone can take a pen and thrust it into someones eye as far as it will go.

Anyone can take a skillet and crack it over someones had hard enough to kill them.

Firearms are just one of many ways to take someones life.

Personally if it happened the way it sounds, he had no idea it was coming and she waiting until the first week they moved in together, that is pretty low. that should have been made well know WAY in advance. probably needs to kick her to the curb because obviously she will be controlling and obviously he doesnt know her as well as he thought he did.

Just my .02

[Ron-Solo]

Welcome to CalGuns, Tammy. Best of luck to you .

[rdsii64]

up hill climb

I recognize this is totally the reverse of the problem that a lot of couples have, but my (female - we're a same-gender couple) spouse has been watching my excitement/interest in guns with mounting discomfort. I'm planning to go watch an IDPA match next month, have two more range dates with friends planned, and am reading and learning as much as I possibly can. As I've learned more, and talked some about it, she's become vocal in her opposition to having guns in the house.

Part of this fear I understand - we have a teenage daughter with some mental health issues, and it's likely Very Unwise to have a gun in the house until she moves out next year. But some of what she's said makes me wonder if I'll have to choose between my spouse and a gun. I've been trying to (gently) encourage her to come with me to the range sometime, with a mostly lukewarm response so far.

A big part of her concern, I think, is her view that owning a gun is primarily about wanting to kill people. For me, that's not it at all - part of it is the fun of shooting, and part of it is that I've been the victim of a violent crime before (was sexually assaulted at knifepoint) and have a very strong investment in not being a victim again. To me, having a gun for home defense is like having smoke alarms or homeowner's insurance - most people never need it, but when you do, you'll be awfully sorry if you don't have it.

I'm reading Kathy Jackson's "Cornered Cat" book, and I really resonated with her comment to the effect that "the bad guy's already chosen that someone's going to die, and the gun just enables you to choose that it won't be you." But so far, my spouse has been vocal in her opposition, and I know if I push too hard she'll give me an "it's me or a gun" ultimatum, which isn't going to be nice for anybody.

So, any suggestions on how to help her with this? What helped you to bridge that psychological barrier? Advice and/or moral support are welcome. :-)

you defiantly have a hard row to hoe (I'm from the south we still talk funny)I have two words for you. GUN SAFE. After that ask her to at least give it a good faith honest try. If she does, she can pass judgement based on her own experience instead of what strangers have told her, or what she has seen in the media. I'll bet you my beer money when she experiences interacting with responsible gun owners her mind will open.

[db42]

Honestly, this is pretty much where I am right now. I told her, "if you are actually seriously worried that I'd shoot you, we have a much larger problem than a disagreement about guns". So, I think the reality is that the next two weeks will be about figuring out living situation (we own a home and have a teenage daughter) and how I can move from being a participant in the business we've run together to finding a job and being economically self-sufficient again.

This sucks...especially after almost 15 years together...but she doesn't understand how much more is at stake for me in this decision than "Tammy wants a gun". And the sad truth is, I honestly doubt she ever will.

Tammy, this conversation seemed to be pointing in this direction from the beginning.

Your spouse is controlling, but she appears to be controlling not because she's "strong willed" but because she's insecure. She finds your empowerment of owning a firearm intimidating and assumes that it would cancel out any control she has - either leading to you leaving her or her being forced to give up her wishes in favor of yours (not under the threat of violence, but because said empowerment will make you "stronger willed" than her).

The suggestion that she thinks you'll lose your temper and shoot her is a toss out of left field, but (as you said) it betrays a deeper problem. She doesn't REALLY think you'd shoot her; she (for lack of a better phrase) thinks that the gun will replace her.

This doesn't sound like you can reconcile it, but I want to pose two rhetorical questions.
If you were absolutely certain she was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with - would you give up shooting for her?
If she was absolutely sure you were the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with - wouldn't she be able to accept a gun?
If this is THAT BIG of an issue, it probably wasn't meant to be.

For the benefit of other readers:

1. The primary purpose of a gun is to deprive living things of their lives, and she doesn't want to live in the same house as a device whose primary purpose is depriving people of their lives;

The primary purpose of a knife is to cut things, why would you want a device in your home that's primary purpose is mutilating?

2. She believes that the "law of attraction" is a strong force in the universe, and that by having a gun I'd be attracting trouble into our lives;

Opposites attract. Guns don't attract more guns - but being unprepared attracts trouble.

[MontClaire]

The worst thing you could do is force this thing of ours on to your spouse. Let her do what she likes and do your own thing. Heres how I dealt with it: I always cleaned and played with my stuff away in garage/shop area. I did not show anything to anyone in my family and always was strict about my space. But I had to realize sooner or later that in my family, my wife is also a teammate to defend our children, our family, property and everything else in between.....it took me years of explaining the benefits of it. Years of gradually giving her the opportunity to see this my way. Of course now she customises her stuff and looks at mine as guidance. However, you must understand that many people here in USA and everywhere else are just plainly afraid of guns. It takes patience....lots of it.

[Icypu]

My wife didn't like guns at all and always politely argued that she was uncomfortable with guns, especially handguns in the house. After living with me for 1.5 years she saw my handguns safely unloaded in boxes and later in the safe. She brought up her courage to ask me about guns, especially on the occasions we watch action movies.

I offered to demystify guns for her and she opened up to guns in a positive way. Of course she has the rule that I can't have any more than 3 guns in the house at any time (I think I have 5 now). The good side is she knows I am a safe gun owner, and we go shooting together. We are very happy and after drilling her on the 4 laws of gun safety I tell her this joke "If you ever shoot me, it better not be an accident, it would break my heart".

My point is once the guns are in the house, safe and locked up, they don't become an issue. Guns around don't have some kind of field of evil. Guns only become an issue if a person is looking and meditating on them. I doubt you're going to be playing with the guns out every day. The act of drilling with a blue gun in front of her might be too much for her to understand, or reinforce her hatred or fear of guns. I'd just keep the guns in boxes and let them be a part of reality. If she really loves you, she will give you the space, and trust you to have your own hobbies and interests.

[Buck13]

<snip>the reasons why she is opposed to my owning a gun. They were thus:

1. The primary purpose of a gun is to deprive living things of their lives, and she doesn't want to live in the same house as a device whose primary purpose is depriving people of their lives;

2. She believes that the "law of attraction" is a strong force in the universe, and that by having a gun I'd be attracting trouble into our lives;

3. She believes that, if I have a gun, I'd lose my temper during an argument and shoot her. (Never find the fact that I work, in part, as a mediator, and my whole job revolves around staying calm and centered in the face of heated emotions.)
<snip>

Ugh. Sorry for another smelly boy invading the forum, but for what little they're worth, I'd like to give my thoughts on these points.

1. The primary purpose of a gun is to throw a small piece of metal very fast. It's true that most, say, AK-47s have historically been made with the intent of killing or threatening to kill people, but the opposite is true of target pistols. I've never intended my pistols to kill anything; as evidence: they're kept unloaded and in the basement locked with a padlock for which I couldn't remember the combination under stress. Shooting paper or pop cans is certainly an end in itself, for fun and for the esoteric skill of it, but you have admitted a willingness to kill with it, however, so she does kinda have you there. I assume and hope that by "home defense" in the OP that you mean shooting someone if needed, not just brandishing the gun and hoping they don't take it away from you!

As an aside, if she dislikes "killing things," and is not a vegan, you should point out that eating meat or using leather and being opposed to hunting is the height of hypocracy! I don't actually LIKE killing and butchering animals other than fish, 'cause it's messy and smelly and I'm not much good at it (fish are easy enough to deal with that I don't dislike it), but anyone who eats meat should do it themselves a few times so they can't pretend to themselves that nothing unpleasant happens when they buy meat. I haven't killed anything with fur in 30 years, but I'm glad I know what the inside of a pronghorn looks like.

2. Great googly-moogly! This superstitious BS should be enough to DTMFA right there. I'm a rationalist-materialist, so I'm pretty much equally against any religious beliefs, but this drooling new-age crap (and it's close Xtian cousin "prosperity gospel") really drives me up the wall. Negative thoughts do not cause cancer (see Barbara Ehrenreich for more and much better on this) and guns do not "draw" criminals. Maybe you should not tell anyone that you keep guns, so word can't get around to a would-be burglar that your house is a potential place to steal a valuable gun (I don't brag to all my neighbors about my shooting prowess, not that there's much to brag about). Maybe guns are statistically harmful to their owners (I don't know, and don't want to argue about it), since yes, they are dangerous and being near a dangerous thing makes you more likely to be affected by it. Those ideas I could deal with. But the "law" of attraction? It's your right to believe any nonsense you like, but it's also "you're wrong!"

3. Projection, maybe? Just sayin'. Maybe you should get a safe to which only YOU have the combination. Admittedly, my spousal critter has a bit of an anger management problem, and likes to break things occasionally. I don't really think she's likely to mis-use a gun, but I'm not certain it's impossible. It's not the top of my list for not keeping a gun more accessible, but it's on the list! We live in a pretty freaking safe place, so I don't think a ready gun is really worth the risk of accident (more likely) or anger (very, very unlikely). We have to have kitchen knives, but we don't have to have a bedroom gun. OTOH, if SHE (my spouse) wanted the option of a self-defense gun and was willing to develop good shooting skills, I wouldn't try to deny it to her! It's not my place to make that choice for her. Particularly if she had your history and wanted the chance to defend herself if another assault seemed imminent!!! That peace of mind should be worth more than my tiny doubt that she is *perfectly* trustworthy, and if that doubt isn't tiny, again you should DTMFA! That seems like a pretty good litmus test for a partner!

You trust someone with your life every time you let them drive with you in the car, or serve your food or you sleep in a house with them and a sharp knife, so why not with a gun?

[Buck13]

This things is that scariest damn thing I have ever seen!!

What, the chipped nail polish or the way it clashes with the blue plastic?

[Buck13]

Shorter me:

Putting aside for the moment your desire to pursue a fun activity in the only life you'll ever have...It appears that she's putting her fear of YOU ahead of your fear of being attacked. Which of these is founded in Actual Factual Facts?

If she doesn't trust you, why is she married to you?

If she doesn't trust you, why are you married to her?

[HatersLOVEme : )]

My point exactly kinda ... lol ?!?

My Buddy had the same problem with his very closed minded stubborn and controlling Anti gun partner and he was given the very clear ultimatum when they moved in together on the very first week to get rid of all the things that can kill people ( meaning his pistol and rifle left to him by his late father ) .

Not trying to sound like a bada *****, but I served in the Marine Corps for 10 years and have 30 years of martial arts training. I can easily kill someone with my bare hands. or a kitchen knife, or a pen or pencil etc etc.

So where do you draw the line? anyone can really kill another person with any object of they are threatend enough. anyone can take a pen and thrust it into someones eye as far as it will go.

Anyone can take a skillet and crack it over someones had hard enough to kill them.

Firearms are just one of many ways to take someones life.

Personally if it happened the way it sounds, he had no idea it was coming and she waiting until the first week they moved in together, that is pretty low. that should have been made well know WAY in advance. probably needs to kick her to the curb because obviously she will be controlling and obviously he doesnt know her as well as he thought he did.

Just my .02

trasherfox no offense intended Buddy but did you even read my entire posting start to finish or just the first part of it and then quote it to make your point - since my point was exactly that my friend actually removed everything that could possibly kill someone to prove his very valid point and it was his partner ( another guy not that it matters closed mindedness knows no sex lol ) who threw the anti gun fit - it ended up having a happy ending where they got matching guns - if he had kicked his partner to the curb due to semantics without digging deeper and communicating through it this never would have came to be so you missed my point entirely ... I had hoped this situation would have a similar outcome for Tammy and her families sake hopefully her partner will see the light and realize a gun is a tool like anything else more people die from car accidents each year than guns .

[tlcwrites]

I'm in a spot with limited Internet for a bit, so this will be a short post to thank you all, again, for the perspective and the support. I've spent some time talking with my spouse at some length, and also considering carefully my own feelings, desires and goals. I also spent some time talking with a trusted relative (who, being Canadian and not inculcated in gun culture, was able to give me an outsider's perspective on the underlying issues.) Suffice it for now to say that over the next few weeks I'm going to be making some uncomfortable decisions.

Thank you, all who have posted here and all who have PM'd. I'll keep everyone posted as things progress.

Warmly,
Tammy

[Tlc.norcal]

Good luck Tammy. I also use the TLC handle, and had a similar issue with a spouse. Notice the word 'had'. Long story short I after I exercised my Second Amendment rights early this year, it turns out he had a serious problem with it. It wasn't the only problem on Gilligan's Island, but it was the straw that broke the camels back for me. After a big Hell No, I now live at a new address and have a much clearer focus than I have for many, many years.

I'm not recommending this for everyone, but hey, maybe one day I will meet someone who actually likes to blow crap up.