Dealing with a Gun-Unfriendly Spouse

[movie zombie]

another thanks for the update!
re future updates: of course i want them! i'm a woman and we women keep in contact, don't you know?!

[MrsRazz]

Tammy, thanks for the update. I'm glad you're attempting to work things out. A lot people don't realize that relationships require effort and will just walk out when the "happily ever after" thing doesn't just magically happen.

I think it's very cool that you're competing. If my vision was better, I'd be looking at that too.

[Kappy]

My apologies for jumping into the ladies' forum, but I do have a small recommendation. Morgan Spurlock did an episode of 30 Days in which he sent a woman to Ohio's "Gun Country" where she kind of underwent a metamorphosis in her stance against guns. It is available on instant streaming at Netflix. Perhaps it will give you some inspiration.

Good luck!

[d_c_mar]

Tammy,
Also responded to your post in the IDPA forum. It seems that there's positive developments on the significant other front which is positive. Before you rush out and buy a specific gun, shoot a few, even if they are rentals. Alternately, most clubs that run IDPA matches have forums. Post that you're trying to gain experience with different guns. I bet you can find a few people that will bring an extra rig. The real hurdle is shooting that first match. The Gold Cup is a truly excellent weapon. It will be more expensive to feed than a full size 9mm. I often do IDPA training drills with my nephew at Burro Canyon on a private range. We can always get you through the initial safety apprehension on a private range. Most local IDPA matches are a great bunch of folks out to have fun, but the one place they can never be lax is obviously safe gun handling. Welcome to the "club". I think you'll find that we really are a diverse and friendly bunch, and not, in reality, befitting of any particular stereotype.

Dan,
Long time shooter and reloaded, IDPA newbie.

[tlcwrites]

Another update, even though the words "un-f***ing-believable" are running through my head right now...

So, spouse and I had a fairly lengthy conversation tonight about this stuff. I articulated, calmly and honestly, all the reasons I want to own a gun (sport, recreation, self-defense, personal empowerment). Then she articulated (in a rather more heated way, but that's not unusual for her) the reasons why she is opposed to my owning a gun. They were thus:

1. The primary purpose of a gun is to deprive living things of their lives, and she doesn't want to live in the same house as a device whose primary purpose is depriving people of their lives;

2. She believes that the "law of attraction" is a strong force in the universe, and that by having a gun I'd be attracting trouble into our lives;

3. She believes that, if I have a gun, I'd lose my temper during an argument and shoot her. (Never find the fact that I work, in part, as a mediator, and my whole job revolves around staying calm and centered in the face of heated emotions.)

She said that the most she's willing to compromise is to "allow" me to own a gun if I store it elsewhere and ever bring the gun, ammunition, etc. into the house, and that if I'm not willing to agree to that, she is willing to end our relationship. And she said that even the Blue Gun I bought (with her consent) to practice draws, sight acquisition, target transitions etc. for IDPA "deeply bothers" her and if it was up to her it wouldn't be in the house either.

I responded by thanking her (calmly) for her honesty and for being willing to express her viewpoint, even though I disagree with it, and I told her that I would carefully consider what she had to say and let her know my response in two weeks when we next meet with our family therapist.

Frankly, I'm gobsmacked right now. "If we get into an argument, you'd shoot me"? Really? Honestly, it seems to me that, if that's true, her view of me is a much bigger threat to our relationship than the presence of a gun would be. Either way, though, I have some tough decisions to make in the next couple weeks.

Thank you all for your ongoing support and willingness to be my sounding board (and moral support)! I truly appreciate it.

Tammy

[MonkeyGrrl]

This is ... epic. And sad. I'm sorry.

I know that I wouldn't choose to live in a home where my partner thought I would actually do bodily harm if we were in an argument. And I would have probably stated that immediately. "If you don't feel safe with me, even when we argue, then we need to be done." I wouldn't be waiting two weeks. It's not worth it. That's two more weeks of living with someone who obviously has some irrational fears. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

If it were me, and I was in your position and gave myself two weeks to think, I would be spending it thinking about the living situation and who's going to be moving out and what steps need to be taken for that to happen.

*sigh*

This sucks for you. And no matter what your decision ends up being, it's not going to be easy. Again, I'm sorry.

[tlcwrites]

If it were me, and I was in your position and gave myself two weeks to think, I would be spending it thinking about the living situation and who's going to be moving out and what steps need to be taken for that

Honestly, this is pretty much where I am right now. I told her, "if you are actually seriously worried that I'd shoot you, we have a much larger problem than a disagreement about guns". So, I think the reality is that the next two weeks will be about figuring out living situation (we own a home and have a teenage daughter) and how I can move from being a participant in the business we've run together to finding a job and being economically self-sufficient again.

This sucks...especially after almost 15 years together...but she doesn't understand how much more is at stake for me in this decision than "Tammy wants a gun". And the sad truth is, I honestly doubt she ever will.

[movie zombie]

tammy, as you noted before, this isn't about the gun as much as it is a power play in your relationship.

1-yes, the primary reason for owning a gun is to put food on the table & self-protection both of which do end life. however, in both instances warranted.

2-yes, there is a law of attraction in the universe which includes but is not limited to bad guys being attracted to defenseless persons.

3-might be what she'd do but she's projecting a fear that is unsubstantiated unless at sometime during your relationship you've had her in a stranglehold.

storing a gun elsewhere does nothing for you re self-protection or your ability to protect her and the child in your home. so, does she have a plan for how to protect herself and the child if you are absent and an intruder breaks in? is she going to willingly allow herself to be raped and murdered? what about watching those things happen to her child? is she willing "to go there"?

she's stated she's willing to end the relationship if you can't agree to her terms. fair is fair and she did put her cards on the table. you do have factors that make an immediate break not practical so having and/or storing guns and/or ammo out of the house is a fair compromise for the time being. you can try it and see how you feel about it. be equally clear with her that while you might try it you can't guarantee that you will find it acceptable and are willing to walk.

the "gun" isn't the real issue. hopefully, your therapist has keyed in on that. it may be that your relationship has run its course and the only safe way she can end it is to blame your interest in guns.

the only thing you can do now is to be clear for yourself what you want your life to be like and what you want in it. if you really love her, then make it clear you need to have a means to defend her if someone wants to do her harm. that you need to be able to protect the child. that you need to be able to protect yourself. having a gun in your home in a safe or waiting until the child leaves are also options. only you can decide what works and does not work for you. but it is YOU, not her, that needs to make that decision. she is responsible for her decisions and you for yours.

my husband is not necessarily supportive of the right to self-defense but i already had guns before we met. it was a package deal. however, my adding to my collection took some time and the realization that i really did need to protect myself [reverse 911 call for a felon who had a shoot out with the sheriff just over the ridge did the trick].

yep, if she sees you as that much of a threat, well, she needs to remove all the knives from the house, not ride in a car with you, pour her own drinks, etc.

again, i'm sorry your relationship has gone on the rocks and i'm sorry she hasn't "heard" you re no longer wanting to be a victim and empowering yourself.

[masameet]

This is an interesting drama that I can't get into.

Still I am curious, Tammy, about your username. It is also the twittername of Colorado writer Theresa Crater. Did you know that?

EDIT: Regarding the issue of "Honey, no guns in my house," here is the Calguns male POV.

[SilverTauron]

Another update, even though the words "un-f***ing-believable" are running through my head right now...

So, spouse and I had a fairly lengthy conversation tonight about this stuff. I articulated, calmly and honestly, all the reasons I want to own a gun (sport, recreation, self-defense, personal empowerment). Then she articulated (in a rather more heated way, but that's not unusual for her) the reasons why she is opposed to my owning a gun. They were thus:

1. The primary purpose of a gun is to deprive living things of their lives, and she doesn't want to live in the same house as a device whose primary purpose is depriving people of their lives;

2. She believes that the "law of attraction" is a strong force in the universe, and that by having a gun I'd be attracting trouble into our lives;

3. She believes that, if I have a gun, I'd lose my temper during an argument and shoot her. (Never find the fact that I work, in part, as a mediator, and my whole job revolves around staying calm and centered in the face of heated emotions.)

She said that the most she's willing to compromise is to "allow" me to own a gun if I store it elsewhere and ever bring the gun, ammunition, etc. into the house, and that if I'm not willing to agree to that, she is willing to end our relationship. And she said that even the Blue Gun I bought (with her consent) to practice draws, sight acquisition, target transitions etc. for IDPA "deeply bothers" her and if it was up to her it wouldn't be in the house either.

I responded by thanking her (calmly) for her honesty and for being willing to express her viewpoint, even though I disagree with it, and I told her that I would carefully consider what she had to say and let her know my response in two weeks when we next meet with our family therapist.

Frankly, I'm gobsmacked right now. "If we get into an argument, you'd shoot me"? Really? Honestly, it seems to me that, if that's true, her view of me is a much bigger threat to our relationship than the presence of a gun would be. Either way, though, I have some tough decisions to make in the next couple weeks.

Thank you all for your ongoing support and willingness to be my sounding board (and moral support)! I truly appreciate it.

Tammy

Your honesty is valued. Looking at this from the outside in, she's made her point loud and clear. I will not go so far as to suggest her mind cannot be changed, but I am almost certain it won't be changed by you in the near future.

The choice is clear-your guns, or your relationship with this woman. She's made it clear it won't be both. Note that I am not judging your girlfriend;she has the right to dislike firearms and all things associated with them. This is obviously not compatible with your own desires and choices, which means looking from the outside in any future you have together is in serious doubt.Someone has to change or someone has to walk . A house divided cannot stand.

[Cali-Shooter]

I recognize this is totally the reverse of the problem that a lot of couples have, but my (female - we're a same-gender couple) spouse has been watching my excitement/interest in guns with mounting discomfort. I'm planning to go watch an IDPA match next month, have two more range dates with friends planned, and am reading and learning as much as I possibly can. As I've learned more, and talked some about it, she's become vocal in her opposition to having guns in the house.

Part of this fear I understand - we have a teenage daughter with some mental health issues, and it's likely Very Unwise to have a gun in the house until she moves out next year. But some of what she's said makes me wonder if I'll have to choose between my spouse and a gun. I've been trying to (gently) encourage her to come with me to the range sometime, with a mostly lukewarm response so far.

A big part of her concern, I think, is her view that owning a gun is primarily about wanting to kill people. For me, that's not it at all - part of it is the fun of shooting, and part of it is that I've been the victim of a violent crime before (was sexually assaulted at knifepoint) and have a very strong investment in not being a victim again. To me, having a gun for home defense is like having smoke alarms or homeowner's insurance - most people never need it, but when you do, you'll be awfully sorry if you don't have it.

I'm reading Kathy Jackson's "Cornered Cat" book, and I really resonated with her comment to the effect that "the bad guy's already chosen that someone's going to die, and the gun just enables you to choose that it won't be you." But so far, my spouse has been vocal in her opposition, and I know if I push too hard she'll give me an "it's me or a gun" ultimatum, which isn't going to be nice for anybody.

So, any suggestions on how to help her with this? What helped you to bridge that psychological barrier? Advice and/or moral support are welcome. :-)

Whatever you do, do NOT follow this emasculated chump's example in the article in this thread:

http://www.calguns.net/calgunforum/showthread.php?t=595674

Talk about a failure in life. He would whore out any aspect of his manhood and not make a stand for anything.

[rkt88edmo]

I responded by thanking her (calmly) for her honesty and for being willing to express her viewpoint, even though I disagree with it, and I told her that I would carefully consider what she had to say and let her know my response in two weeks when we next meet with our family therapist.

Frankly, I'm gobsmacked right now. "If we get into an argument, you'd shoot me"? Really? Honestly, it seems to me that, if that's true, her view of me is a much bigger threat to our relationship than the presence of a gun would be. Either way, though, I have some tough decisions to make in the next couple weeks.

Thank you all for your ongoing support and willingness to be my sounding board (and moral support)! I truly appreciate it.

Tammy

Oof - good luck, with belief systems in place like those this looks like it will be a really tough road.

[movie zombie]

........... Note that I am not judging your girlfriend;she has the right to dislike firearms and all things associated with them. This is obviously not compatible with your own desires and choices, which means looking from the outside in any future you have together is in serious doubt.Someone has to change or someone has to walk . A house divided cannot stand.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ in the end, it all comes down to this.

hope things go ok for our today, tammy.

[Lifeon2whls]

Tammy,

I agree with yourself and everyone else. We know your spouses logic is fundamentally flawed but in her eyes its emotionally sound...and then if that's the case it takes a life altering shift to change someone's point of view. You're not going to do this through talk, taking her to the range, etc.

The sad part is that there is no compromise. She allows you to bring the practice gun into the house and then goes back on that. She is saying she will allow you to buy a gun under certain circumstances, however from the sounds of things I am sure she would change her mind. Once you start spending time with your gun buddies, she is going to be at home stewing and the situation will only get worse. This is just going to push you into a place where you ultimately have to make a decision.

For those who say vows come first...I agree to an extent but people change and part of pledging your life to someone else is also pledging that you will adapt as that person grows. If you don't the two of you will eventually grow apart and your vows will be worthless.

I lost a few relationships because I refused to give up motorcycles and learned to simply be very upfront that they would be a part of my life with little to no exceptions. As for guns, I've waited until things got a bit more serious before I had those talks but they have scared people away as well. However, I've found that once you do find someone who can love you AND your 2A addiction...you have someone who's a keeper!

[MrsRazz]

3. She believes that, if I have a gun, I'd lose my temper during an argument and shoot her. (Never find the fact that I work, in part, as a mediator, and my whole job revolves around staying calm and centered in the face of heated emotions.)

You're correct. If this is what she thinks, then there are larger issues than the gun. I mean I'm assuming that you haven't stabbed her with a kitchen knife or beaten her with a fireplace poker during an argument so far.....both of which could be just as deadly.

She said that the most she's willing to compromise is to "allow" me to own a gun if I store it elsewhere and ever bring the gun, ammunition, etc. into the house, and that if I'm not willing to agree to that, she is willing to end our relationship.

I'm going to switch hats here. I have a degree in psychology specializing in relationship counseling. This is what is referred to as "emotional blackmail". The thing is that ultimatums rarely work in the manner in which the originator believes they will. I sincerely doubt that gun ownership goes against one of her core values, so really this is just her being unwilling to work past her own comfort levels.

It's not so much that your hobby is coming in front of your vows. It has to do with a lack of compromise on something that isn't a core value.

I'm so sorry Tammy, I know it's hard.