Dealing with a Gun-Unfriendly Spouse

[Jeepergeo]

If you are "married" or have a "civil union" that included traditional vows, then honoring those vows is of utmost importance. There should be no person, hobby, vocation, or addiction allowed to come between you and your spouse.

Until the problem child is out of house, bringing guns into the house is not a good idea. Consider going to ranges where you can rent a gun when you have the desire to shoot.

As for your spouse, see if you can get her to come with you to an event so she can see what it is all about and meet some of the other people. Generally, the shooting sports crowd is pretty friendly and welcoming, so make sure you check the club/range/event out to make sure before bringing her along. This is important since some locations/events seem to be jerk magnets. Once she sees that the crowd is nice and having a lot of fun, she might lighten up and even want to take a few shots. Make sure those first shots are with an appropriate firearm...IMHO, something in 22 LR is a great place to start.

Next, have a date-day and take a firearm safety class together, then head out to a nice dinner afterward.

Small steps...that's the key.

[PandaLuv]

I recognize this is totally the reverse of the problem that a lot of couples have, but my (female - we're a same-gender couple) spouse has been watching my excitement/interest in guns with mounting discomfort. I'm planning to go watch an IDPA match next month, have two more range dates with friends planned, and am reading and learning as much as I possibly can. As I've learned more, and talked some about it, she's become vocal in her opposition to having guns in the house.

Part of this fear I understand - we have a teenage daughter with some mental health issues, and it's likely Very Unwise to have a gun in the house until she moves out next year. But some of what she's said makes me wonder if I'll have to choose between my spouse and a gun. I've been trying to (gently) encourage her to come with me to the range sometime, with a mostly lukewarm response so far.

A big part of her concern, I think, is her view that owning a gun is primarily about wanting to kill people. For me, that's not it at all - part of it is the fun of shooting, and part of it is that I've been the victim of a violent crime before (was sexually assaulted at knifepoint) and have a very strong investment in not being a victim again. To me, having a gun for home defense is like having smoke alarms or homeowner's insurance - most people never need it, but when you do, you'll be awfully sorry if you don't have it.

I'm reading Kathy Jackson's "Cornered Cat" book, and I really resonated with her comment to the effect that "the bad guy's already chosen that someone's going to die, and the gun just enables you to choose that it won't be you." But so far, my spouse has been vocal in her opposition, and I know if I push too hard she'll give me an "it's me or a gun" ultimatum, which isn't going to be nice for anybody.

So, any suggestions on how to help her with this? What helped you to bridge that psychological barrier? Advice and/or moral support are welcome. :-)

that should have been enough, buy a safe and/or carry the gun on you at all time at home if you're worried about your daughter.

[Full Clip]

My ex was not happy about my interest in shooting, and, in fact, had me keep my firearms at my parents' house (400 miles away) until we bought a house where I could install a proper gun safe (yes, and bolted to the floor). After that, she just kept her distance, but she did observe how I educated myself, took classes to better my shooting skills, practiced regularly, and even did safety tutorials at our house for friends who were new to shooting before we went to the range. This went on for more than two years, during which time she always declined to go shooting herself (hey, I always asked). Finally, some time later, after I let her know I was going to the range on a weekend to sight in a new scope, she invited herself along to be my spotter, and ended up shooting my AR-15 target rifle. And she did pretty well. She's extremely competitive, and I think that aspect, combined with her feeling that I was safe and sane, made it a positive experience. She has not gone to the range with me since, but she also better understands me and my interests. So I hope you're patient with your spouse -- pushing does not help.

Until the problem child is out of house, bringing guns into the house is not a good idea. Consider going to ranges where you can rent a gun when you have the desire to shoot.

Totally agree.

[tlcwrites]

Thank you, all, for the suggestions and feedback. To respond to a few specific things from the thread:

ultimately, she has the right to not participate in gun sports but she does not have the right to prohibit you from doing so.

This is the main thing for me, and it's the place where I'm really struggling. She tends to be very stubborn about wanting things her way, and tends to dig in her heels at times when she's uncomfortable with something. I'm worried that if I say, in effect, "I'm willing to discuss how to have guns in our home safely, but I'm not willing to give you the power to veto my having them", she's apt to say something like "well, I don't want to live in a house with guns, and if you have one, I'm leaving." This would be a complicated threat for her to follow through on in practice, given that we have a house/business/child together, but...like I said, she can be stubborn. :-)

So, I guess part of what I have to decide in the next year is, if she elects to take the "my way or the highway" stance on this issue, whether I'm willing to take the highway. :-)

in re-reading the original post, i do not sense that Tammy is looking to get her SO into guns as much as she is trying to get her SO to accept her own interest in firearms.

Yes. This. Exactly. Though I'd love it if my spouse came with me to the range, loved it, and we bought ourselves hers-and-hers Glocks for the holidays, I have nothing invested in her becoming excited about guns. If she was willing to say "I don't want to have anything to do with your guns, but if you keep them locked up in a gun safe and don't spend my money on them, it's not my business", that would totally be an acceptable outcome in my world.

If you are "married" or have a "civil union" that included traditional vows, then honoring those vows is of utmost importance. There should be no person, hobby, vocation, or addiction allowed to come between you and your spouse.

This is true for me, but only up to a point, and the "up to" point deals with other issues of lack of mutuality that are outside the scope of my question. Suffice it only to say that my path may ultimately end up being "the highway" for other reasons, but I'd prefer that my interest in guns not be the deciding factor if i can help it. And, I know that my stance toward my spouse's hobbies/interests/vocations/etc. is always "let's figure out how to make it work for both of us", so I guess part of what's going on for me is frustration and disappointment about the lack of parity I'm seeing in this part of our relationship.

Thank you again, everyone, for your input. I'm appreciating the food for thought I now have to ponder, and the range of perspectives here.

Oh, one more thing - I have no idea where my spouse's dislike of guns comes from (especially since I know she's shot a .22 rifle at least once in the past and describes it as a benign experience). My suspicion is that "guns are evil killing machines", "I don't want you to have hobbies that take you around other people and away from me", and "I want veto power over the things you do, but don't want you to have veto power over the things I do" are all components of the answer. But I honestly don't know.

[MrsRazz]

at least partially influenced by bad gun owner stereotypes: white, straight, fundamentalist rednecked bigots with freudian issues and an obsession with power/violence, etc.

That is one of the best lines that I've read here. And correct. People are surprised when I tell them that I enjoy going to the range and destroying paper targets. I don't fit their stereotype.

[Full Clip]

Oh, one more thing - I have no idea where my spouse's dislike of guns comes from (especially since I know she's shot a .22 rifle at least once in the past and describes it as a benign experience).

Popular culture (movies, TV, music, literature) of the last 30-40 years has been largely anti-gun, which has a lot to do with the brainwashing of many of the otherwise sane people we love.

...the few friends I have with that "a gun is a machine designed for one purpose: to KILL" fixation have usually been at least partially influenced by bad gun owner stereotypes: white, straight, fundamentalist rednecked bigots with freudian issues and an obsession with power/violence, etc.

Exactly the stereotype that is presented by most popular culture, with a few exceptions. Like this guy:



And this guy:

[CSACANNONEER]

WELCOME!

First, since you agree that your daughter should not have access to firearms, get a safe and don't keep one out for self defense. A safe is always a good investment anyways.

As far as you partner goes, get her out trap shooting. The immediate response from dusting her first bird will excite her and make her want to do it again. You're not that far from me. So, if you can talk her into it, we can probably meet up and I'll provide the shotguns AND AMMO for both of you to shoot a couple rounds or so. Or, better yet, we can meet at Angeles and use their throwers which are closer than a regulation trap range so, they are easier to hit. I'm far from a shotgun instructor but, I promise to have both of you smiling and breaking clays before you're done. This should help her realize that firearms are not evil and there are other uses for them besides killing things.

[movie zombie]

Tammy, thanks for the 2nd post. it does sound like there are other issues at play that you are dealing with and "control" is a big one. have you tried counseling?

Pink Pistols was an excellent suggestion.

i wish you luck with this one. you've got lots of feedback here and lots to ponder. i hope a compromise can be made and push does not come to shove.....but if it does i believe that "guns" are only symptomatic of other issues and not "the issue" itself. please keep us posted, especially if you have a break through. and you can always send a PM to any of us.

[njineermike]

LdyApxr, my gf's great awakening was some guy trying to get in the house while her sister fumbled with a 38 and the calls to the police might as well have been made to the credit card complaint line.

[199q]

I fully wish you luck. I dont have the uphill battle that I have with my current girlfriend, but I have had the "guns are only meant to kill" mentality in relationships before. It is tough. But a gradual exposure to the type of people, safety rules, and general understanding will help. Unfortunately you do not have a gun already, so that is a tough place to start from.

The offer to take you shooting is a wonderful thing, and a huge reason why the California gun community is great.

I would think that telling her this is an important thing to you, and that in its self is warranted of her support. Maybe buying the gun and having a friend or relative to store it for you is an idea to get her started?

Just recently my somewhat anti girlfriend wanted to go shooting. I don't have anything for her to shoot, but I recently bought a .22 for her to use, and signed her up for hunters safety class. She understands it is important to me, and will support me. She at least is willing to give it a college try.

The idea I am trying to push across in my ramblings, is that it will need to be a gentle and slow process. its tough to change a stubborn persons mind overnight. I would strongly recommend the pink pistols, as it is group she can relate to, and feel a bit more comfortable in. The less in-common she has with a gun owner, the easier it is to disassociate with it and put them off in her mind.

[MrsRazz]

20minutes goes by... TWENTY MINUTES of listening to this man try to get through my door, the cops show up and he runs.

That was one of our considerations too. I work from home and our house is laid out so that you can't see the front door from the street. If someone tried to kick in the door, no one in our neighborhood would be able to see it.

Plus....we live about 1.5 miles from the Sherriff's station. That station covers Santee, Lakeside, part of El Cajon and part of Ramona. Based on where they are in their shifts and whether something big is going on the response times can vary greatly.

[GunHo]

I recognize this is totally the reverse of the problem that a lot of couples have, but my (female - we're a same-gender couple) spouse has been watching my excitement/interest in guns with mounting discomfort. I'm planning to go watch an IDPA match next month, have two more range dates with friends planned, and am reading and learning as much as I possibly can. As I've learned more, and talked some about it, she's become vocal in her opposition to having guns in the house.

Part of this fear I understand - we have a teenage daughter with some mental health issues, and it's likely Very Unwise to have a gun in the house until she moves out next year. But some of what she's said makes me wonder if I'll have to choose between my spouse and a gun. I've been trying to (gently) encourage her to come with me to the range sometime, with a mostly lukewarm response so far.

A big part of her concern, I think, is her view that owning a gun is primarily about wanting to kill people. For me, that's not it at all - part of it is the fun of shooting, and part of it is that I've been the victim of a violent crime before (was sexually assaulted at knifepoint) and have a very strong investment in not being a victim again. To me, having a gun for home defense is like having smoke alarms or homeowner's insurance - most people never need it, but when you do, you'll be awfully sorry if you don't have it.

I'm reading Kathy Jackson's "Cornered Cat" book, and I really resonated with her comment to the effect that "the bad guy's already chosen that someone's going to die, and the gun just enables you to choose that it won't be you." But so far, my spouse has been vocal in her opposition, and I know if I push too hard she'll give me an "it's me or a gun" ultimatum, which isn't going to be nice for anybody.

So, any suggestions on how to help her with this? What helped you to bridge that psychological barrier? Advice and/or moral support are welcome. :-)

[HighLander51]

So, any suggestions on how to help her with this? What helped you to bridge that psychological barrier? Advice and/or moral support are welcome. :-)

Well, we have been married for 34 years. And I came into the marriage with 11 years of competition shooting under my belt. I love my wife, but this is my hobby, and I shoot a match almost every weekend. But, that doesn't mean we do any of that together, she is a musician with her own business, she has her gigs, and I have my matches. Now sometimes she will accompany me to the big matches, usually a 3 Gun Nationals in Las Vegas, and sometimes I will tag along for a music gig at a big resort hotel, but shooting and music gigs are pretty much mutually exclusive. I understand her passion, and she understands my hobby. Marriage does not have to be equal, it never is, but it has to be understanding and accepting. You have a special needs child, so be responsible and get a gun safe. You explain to your spouse that shooting is very important to you, for the reasons you stated, and hopefully, she will understand and accept your position. You can't convert anyone to be a gun person, anymore than you can convert anyone to ride a motorcycle, it's either in your blood, or not. So try to make up the time you take shooting for an equal interest that you both share. Good luck.

PS: I know people that have put shooting over their marriage, and it cost them their marriage. Are they better off now? I don't know, but I would choose a spouse over a gun.

[nocomply25]

Well, we have been married for 34 years. And I came into the marriage with 11 years of competition shooting under my belt. I love my wife, but this is my hobby, and I shoot a match almost every weekend. But, that doesn't mean we do any of that together, she is a musician with her own business, she has her gigs, and I have my matches. Now sometimes she will accompany me to the big matches, usually a 3 Gun Nationals in Las Vegas, and sometimes I will tag along for a music gig at a big resort hotel, but shooting and music gigs are pretty much mutually exclusive. I understand her passion, and she understands my hobby. Marriage does not have to be equal, it never is, but it has to be understanding and accepting. You have a special needs child, so be responsible and get a gun safe. You explain to your spouse that shooting is very important to you, for the reasons you stated, and hopefully, she will understand and accept your position. You can't convert anyone to be a gun person, anymore than you can convert anyone to ride a motorcycle, it's either in your blood, or not. So try to make up the time you take shooting for an equal interest that you both share. Good luck.

PS: I know people that have put shooting over their marriage, and it cost them their marriage. Are they better off now? I don't know, but I would choose a spouse over a gun.

+1 on this.

For me it is surfing. I have been surfing 8 years and go 4 days a week. Before we got married I told my wife how important surfing is to me. I told her when the waves are pumping I will not be waking up next to her in the morning cause I would have already ready left to surf around 5. My amazing wife understands and pushes me to go. She knows how it makes me feel and how important it is.

I would not pick surfing over my wife...but I would have to question my wife if she ever where to make me choose. Marriage is about working together. My wife does not surf and she understands that i might die doing this ( which for some people would be reason enough to stop me) but she knows that living without is worse then death for me. So she understands.

I think if you approach her and ask her to just understand you and she loves you, then she will. She does not have to be involved with guns or shoot any. If its about this power over crap...then guns are the least of your worrys. Being married to someone like that is hard and i hope that she will be willing to meet you half way in life, or things will get really hard really fast.

[tacticalcity]

Introduce her to the Pink Pistols. Great organization. Changed a lot of minds about guns and offers support for gay and lesbian gun owners. Might help her to know that there is a large gay and lesbian organization that supports the second amedment. People tend to see guns as a "conservative" issue and gay rights as a "liberal" issue. For a lot of people it is hard to accept that somebody can be a be gay, and even a liberal and still embrace the idea that the second amedment is as much about protecting them as it is about protecting conservative red-necks like myself. Given some of the infamous acts of violence commited against gays and lesbians (Matthew Shepard comes to mind) embracing the second amendment can be a pretty easy sell. Once people get over the idea that their politics do not need to be all or nothing and start to see how the second amendment can positively affect their life then they are sold. Of course, the fact that shooting is fun and one heck of an adrenaline rush helps too.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pink_Pistols

http://www.pinkpistols.org/