Dealing with a Gun-Unfriendly Spouse

[tlcwrites]

I recognize this is totally the reverse of the problem that a lot of couples have, but my (female - we're a same-gender couple) spouse has been watching my excitement/interest in guns with mounting discomfort. I'm planning to go watch an IDPA match next month, have two more range dates with friends planned, and am reading and learning as much as I possibly can. As I've learned more, and talked some about it, she's become vocal in her opposition to having guns in the house.

Part of this fear I understand - we have a teenage daughter with some mental health issues, and it's likely Very Unwise to have a gun in the house until she moves out next year. But some of what she's said makes me wonder if I'll have to choose between my spouse and a gun. I've been trying to (gently) encourage her to come with me to the range sometime, with a mostly lukewarm response so far.

A big part of her concern, I think, is her view that owning a gun is primarily about wanting to kill people. For me, that's not it at all - part of it is the fun of shooting, and part of it is that I've been the victim of a violent crime before (was sexually assaulted at knifepoint) and have a very strong investment in not being a victim again. To me, having a gun for home defense is like having smoke alarms or homeowner's insurance - most people never need it, but when you do, you'll be awfully sorry if you don't have it.

I'm reading Kathy Jackson's "Cornered Cat" book, and I really resonated with her comment to the effect that "the bad guy's already chosen that someone's going to die, and the gun just enables you to choose that it won't be you." But so far, my spouse has been vocal in her opposition, and I know if I push too hard she'll give me an "it's me or a gun" ultimatum, which isn't going to be nice for anybody.

So, any suggestions on how to help her with this? What helped you to bridge that psychological barrier? Advice and/or moral support are welcome. :-)

[njineermike]

I recognize this is totally the reverse of the problem that a lot of couples have, but my (female - we're a same-gender couple) spouse has been watching my excitement/interest in guns with mounting discomfort. I'm planning to go watch an IDPA match next month, have two more range dates with friends planned, and am reading and learning as much as I possibly can. As I've learned more, and talked some about it, she's become vocal in her opposition to having guns in the house.

Part of this fear I understand - we have a teenage daughter with some mental health issues, and it's likely Very Unwise to have a gun in the house until she moves out next year. But some of what she's said makes me wonder if I'll have to choose between my spouse and a gun. I've been trying to (gently) encourage her to come with me to the range sometime, with a mostly lukewarm response so far.

A big part of her concern, I think, is her view that owning a gun is primarily about wanting to kill people. For me, that's not it at all - part of it is the fun of shooting, and part of it is that I've been the victim of a violent crime before (was sexually assaulted at knifepoint) and have a very strong investment in not being a victim again. To me, having a gun for home defense is like having smoke alarms or homeowner's insurance - most people never need it, but when you do, you'll be awfully sorry if you don't have it.

I'm reading Kathy Jackson's "Cornered Cat" book, and I really resonated with her comment to the effect that "the bad guy's already chosen that someone's going to die, and the gun just enables you to choose that it won't be you." But so far, my spouse has been vocal in her opposition, and I know if I push too hard she'll give me an "it's me or a gun" ultimatum, which isn't going to be nice for anybody.

So, any suggestions on how to help her with this? What helped you to bridge that psychological barrier? Advice and/or moral support are welcome. :-)

Fighting the emotional brainwashing of "guns are bad" is difficult. If she won't go to a range, won't go watch an IDPA match, won't do anything to even gain any remote interest, it's an uphill climb. Your daughter is a point of concern, but people have guns in homes all the time under security and it's not an issue. I'd recommend coming to an understanding that the gun(s) will always be under lock and key (preferrable in a securely affixed safe) unless under your direct supervision and control. You might also schedule a surprise handgun shooting lesson from a reputable range that you BOTH attend, and she understands that you have safety in mind as well. If she can't abide by that, you ARE an adult capable of making your own decisons. She can only suggest what you can or can't do.


BTW, my gf went from "I'm not so sure I like guns" to having an FNP 9mm in her nightstand right after her first private shooting lesson. Now she wants a $2000Les Baer .45 too.

[GMG]

Tammy first of all welcome to Calguns !

Maybe impress upon your spouse the two of you will be shooting at paper targets. It's a skill thing,.....like shooting baskets, swinging a bat at a ball or bowling etc.

Several years ago I was packing up to go shooting, wife comes out and asks can I go also. I told her a course you can. you've been invited before. She had a great time (I think) by her reactions.

Since then she's done The Women on Target that the NRA sponsors, a very low key experience. She did that, and quite well I might add.

She never approved of my guns nor disapproved of them since we've been married. I think she's coming around! I think it's something that takes time.

Best of luck in your situation.

[Beaker650]

Don't know if this would help or not, Movie Zombie suggested this another thread, getting a Women & Guns subscription and leaving it around the home will get her reading and learning more about the sport. http://www.womenshooters.com

[Beaker650]

I don't know if you saw this thread, but it might be helpful: http://www.calguns.net/calgunforum/s...d.php?t=533838

[movie zombie]

hi, Tammy!

i think your 3rd paragraph would be a good way to start.
acknowledge what you believe her belief is.
acknowledge that you understand her fears.
but do tell her how you never want to be a victim again and you hope you're never in that position again but if so you want to be prepared. emphasis on knowing you can protect your daughter should anyone try to hurt her in your home. acknowledge safety concerns and that the firearm will be locked and properly stored.
more important is to let her know how much fun it is to shoot targets. ask if she would go with you a couple of times before the two of you discuss it again. go on youtube and find videos [or whatever they're called now] of women SAFELY AND SANELY participating in target shooting.
the Women & Guns subscription is a good idea. leave Cornered Cat out for her to find with bookmarks in places you'd like her to read. don't ask her questions but wait to see if she asks you questions.

my husband is not into guns. at all. however, he doesn't interfer with my interest. in fact, he sometimes tells me he thinks it time i go to the range! i find it relaxing. i enjoy the outdoor range and the concentration on the target. its meditative.

perhaps if she met other women who shoot? oddly, we were winetasting in santa cruz last weekend and one of the servers mentioned having a pistol and i think she was surprised when jumped on the topic and ran with it.

anyway, i wish you luck. whether you have a gun or not should not be a deal breaker given your 3rd paragraph. take it slow and easy. don't force the issue. but do continue exploring your interest. thought: could her disapproval stem from a perception that you are meeting new people and perhaps moving away from her?

ok, we women sometimes over think things.....

[choprzrul]

....trade up.....

.

[movie zombie]

but just as you respect that she does not like guns, she should respect your right to have them. It's a give and take no matter what the couple makeup is[/B].

lots to think about in this post as well, especially the bolded part: you can lead a horse to water but you can't force it to drink.....

ultimately, she has the right to not participate in gun sports but she does not have the right to prohibit you from doing so. relationships are all about compromise. "my way or the highway" can be a lonely road.....but one worth traveling if the differences are so great that compromise is impossible. but i get the feeling that Tammy really wants to work this out. where there is a will there is a way, Tammy. perhaps backing off for a while on getting her involved might get her to wondering what she's missing.....?

[rkt88edmo]

Get to know other shooters who aren't scary, take her shooting with them. .22lrs and reactive targets are magic.

[Beaker650]

Why would having Women & Guns mag around feel like pushing? Tammy would be buying it for herself to read and her significant other would pick it up if she would be curious.

[MrsRazz]

I say this only because I am stubborn woman and I will be the first to admit it. If Bill's idea of persuasion was leaving out gun mags, reading material, etc. I would be more irritated than intrigued.

I'm the same way. I'd feel as if I was being circumvented or manipulated.

Honestly, I think the only chance you have of changing her mind is to get her hands on a gun and have fun. But, even that has to be done delicately. If you push too hard, she'll go along and resent it the entire way. I know that DH wouldn't accept a "no" from me until I've at least tried it. So, you could ask nicely that she at least try it and then if she still doesn't like it, you'll not address it again.

You could do a friends outing at a range. Or maybe attend the NRA Women on Target class together. Actually, that would be a great idea because even if she decides she doesn't like guns......she'll still know how to handle one safely if the need arises.

[SilverTauron]

I hate to be the voice of cynecism, but I would leave the topic alone if you intend on spending time with your girlfriend in the future. Unfortunately, a range visit is not 100% effective in convincing an anti-RKBA person to change their viewpoint. My Bronx-raised ex liked it the first time I took her shooting with my .22LR, but she still mandated that I not carry in her presence.On further explanation she said she understood why I carried, and was impressed with the fact that I wasn't some unsafe moron, but she fundamentally disliked firearms. That's one reason of many why she went "down the road", so to speak.

While I understand the desperate motivation to impart the true nature of personal security and firearms to your closest people, the sad truth is that you cannot impose enlightenment on someone. Your spouse has to WANT to learn more about guns, and like it or not they have a right to their political perspective as much as we do for our own. Whether its factually correct or not is beside the point.

Doubtlessly, your girlfriend is talking to her pals now trying to figure out how to get YOU to abandon an unhealthy obsession with firearms. Either some sort of cease-fire will need to become of this, or the relationship will need to be reconsidered.

[movie zombie]

in re-reading the original post, i do not sense that Tammy is looking to get her SO into guns as much as she is trying to get her SO to accept her own interest in firearms. SilverTauron's post above, especially the 2nd and last paragraphs resonate with my re-reading of Tammy's post.

Tammy are you there? is any of this helping you? anything more to add?

[GettoPhilosopher]

A side point worth mentioning...obviously I don't know you, your spouse, or your situation, but the few friends I have with that "a gun is a machine designed for one purpose: to KILL" fixation have usually been at least partially influenced by bad gun owner stereotypes: white, straight, fundamentalist rednecked bigots with freudian issues and an obsession with power/violence, etc.
If that is or may be true for your spouse, you might want to consider connecting with a group like the pink pistols or other LGBTQ shooters. At the worst, you meet new people. At the best, it may expand her viewpoint and help her accept your interest, even if she doesn't become a shooter overnight.


One last comment: do you know what her view of guns is rooted in experientially? My wife originally hated guns (literally could not be in the same room as a gun), but it was the flip side of your sexual assault experience; because of her SA experiences, being around someone who (in her mind) had the power of life and death over her would give her panic attacks. She slowly grew to where she fully trusted *me* around her with a gun and was able to relax, then she got more comfortable with *her* having a gun, and eventually she got to the point where she's comfortable period. Now she mop the floor with my a** with handguns, wants her own Saiga 12, and loves my ARs. YMMV, obviously, but worth a shot (no pun intended )

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[MrsRazz]

in re-reading the original post, i do not sense that Tammy is looking to get her SO into guns as much as she is trying to get her SO to accept her own interest in firearms.

That's pretty much what I got out of it too.