******FAVORITE STORIES FROM THE SERVICE******

[18Dmedic]

I'll start...

****PLEASE REMEMBER OPSEC/PERSEC...change names and places if necessary...

So I am at my CO's house....long story short...Bunch of folks I know and a bunch I don't.....gotta pee.....so I go to the hall bathroom (Powder Room)...and there is somebody in it...so I wait back at the little bar...pretty soon a lady comes out....she is about 100lbs built like a brick ****house and is with one of my teammates....I gotta pee ...so I go in the bathroom....unzip and open the ****ter lid and staring back at me is one HUMONGOUS turd. I mean that turd was the size of a small baby....I never even seen a turd that big.....I dont know how anybody could possibly push that ****ing thing out their ***. Then it dawned on me...that turd just came out of Ms. Bubbles. Holy ****! That turd probably weighed as much as one of her legs. How in the hell can a giant turd of Guinness World Record size ever come out of that lil girl? Holy **** is an understatement. She must take a dump once a ****ing year.

Then as I started peeing all over aforementioned Turd Giganticus a horrible thought occurred to me. My face froze. Sweat busted out all over my forehead. My heart started racing. I had just taken ownership of the giant turd in the bowl. I was in the bathroom! Everybody would see me walk out and know I just laid a Monster Turd.

Oh **** me.....all my friends...their wives....trophy girlfriends and Sarge just laid a Monster Fawking Turd in the toilet everybody was using all night. WTF do I do?

Nobody would believe me if I said it was there when I got there. Do I come out and holler "Who gave birth?" No....I need to find something to bust up the Giant Turd. Make it a bunch of lil turds so it will flush down. Nothing....I keep looking for a coat hanger anything to bust this ****ing thing up. I think it has grown by the way....well hell....I'm going to have to grab that Giant Turd and break it up with my bare hands....no other choice...time is running out.....been in there 2-3 minutes already......how bad can it be anyway? I mean I'll wash my hands really good.....Beats being known as the guy that gave birth to the Giant Turd at the party the rest of my life....No hell no....I ain't going to grab the Giant Turd bare handed...plus there was piss all over it....nope could never eat chicken wings again as the memory of squishing that Giant Turd between my fingers would be burnt into my memory forever and ever....somebody knocks on the door...oh FAWK...

What do you think I did?

I did what any true soldier would do. I instantly grabbed the lil porcelain statue girl thing holding the toilet paper....stabbed the giant turd.....swung that mammoth thing up and in one swoop had it in the hand towel....wrapped that big bi@otch up....threw it in the linen drawer....turned on the sink water....rinsed off the lil toilet paper holding statue lady....flushed the toilet...washed my hands and walked the **** out.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

[Gun_Smoke]

Ill continue with a poop story...

On Pendleton pretty much all infantry Marines shoot on the Horno range. It's pretty far from the rest of the base and rarely sees anyone that isn't in 1st, 5th, SOI, or from Camp Flores. Well last April I guess Wilcox or whatever pog range women normally shoot on was full and there were 5 admin girls playing their week of dress up who got assigned to shoot Horno. This was a pleasant surprise for all the horny grunts who automatically assume they will all be getting with these 5 girls.

The 1st Reg gunner is very combat oriented, I have actually witnessed him tell the commandant he thought the rifle range was stupid. (godbless this gunner). He doesn't allow people to shoot on the Horno range with modified weapons. If you have a 203, bipods, whatever normally attached to your gun it isn't coming off when you qualify. Well I and a few of my friends have suppressors on our guns. The 5 random women seem to be super interested in these and come over asking us about them. One of them is pretty cute and seems super interested in walking away with someone's phone number. She wanders away somewhere and a few minutes later the roach coach shows up and I go to get a delicious breakfast burrito and chocolate milk. I look over and see the port of potties and decide to go piss. When I walk up I just happen to see Cpl attention whore walk out of the one Im waiting for. I smiled at her and walked in. It's monday and these are fresh port of potties. I look down and you can clearly tell there has only been one person who has used it because the toilet paper wrapper is on top of the blue **** water. Next to the wrapper is a massive bloody ****. This thing was massive with an equally massive amount of bloody **** paper around it. Needless to say I was disturbed. But not disturbed enough to take a picture and show everyone in the group we were talking to what this girl just did.

Maybe women take larger ****s than originally thought.

[Maddog5150]

All my LOL stories are incriminating and would probably reveal my identity to some
Summery, tazers and ugly lying wives are great for lawlz. Having to stand in front the BC as a witness on your buddies behalf isn't

I have no battle stories. Just face palming ones

[6114DAVE]

Pattaya, Thailand .....

That is all

[Stormfeather]

Pattaya, Thailand .....

That is all

Missed the libo-boat in Pattaya, Shore Patrol came thru ordering everyone back to the boat because of a incoming typhoon. So myself and 2 fellow gyrenes start the stumble back to the beach. We arrive at the beach to see the Huge #1 (USS Tarawa) disappearing in the distance. So, unsure of ourselves, we do what any libo-repressed Marine does, head back to the bar to come up with a battleplan. Luckily enough, was stumbling back to the bar when we came across the company gunny, 1st Sgt, CO, & my Plt commander, all stumbling out of the bar after what could have definitely been a 7 day bender. We instantly attach ourselves to the command structure and inform them of the situation to which they were obviously unaware of. We all stumble back to the beach, realizing that we are the only US Military within 20 miles of the beach. So. . . we beeline to the nearest police station, who put us in contact with the US Embassy. Embassy informs us several hours later that the boat wont be able to come back for us for another 2 weeks, and can we rest in place until then? Um. . .hello? another 2 weeks in Pattaya. . . unfettered by thousands and thousands of Marines & Sailors? "Yes Sir, we can do that, would you like us to check in each day and at what time?" . . ."oh, just give us your hotel name, number & room number, and we will call you back in about 10 days or so."

Game on! Unfortunately, I ended up with a very bad tattoo after that which still haunts me to this day. Goddamn Rabbits. No NJP, No called to the quarterdeck to see the man, no nada! We did have some very good times with the command structure during those 2 weeks!

[rooster85]

Missed the libo-boat in Pattaya, Shore Patrol came thru ordering everyone back to the boat because of a incoming typhoon. So myself and 2 fellow gyrenes start the stumble back to the beach. We arrive at the beach to see the Huge #1 (USS Tarawa) disappearing in the distance. So, unsure of ourselves, we do what any libo-repressed Marine does, head back to the bar to come up with a battleplan. Luckily enough, was stumbling back to the bar when we came across the company gunny, 1st Sgt, CO, & my Plt commander, all stumbling out of the bar after what could have definitely been a 7 day bender. We instantly attach ourselves to the command structure and inform them of the situation to which they were obviously unaware of. We all stumble back to the beach, realizing that we are the only US Military within 20 miles of the beach. So. . . we beeline to the nearest police station, who put us in contact with the US Embassy. Embassy informs us several hours later that the boat wont be able to come back for us for another 2 weeks, and can we rest in place until then? Um. . .hello? another 2 weeks in Pattaya. . . unfettered by thousands and thousands of Marines & Sailors? "Yes Sir, we can do that, would you like us to check in each day and at what time?" . . ."oh, just give us your hotel name, number & room number, and we will call you back in about 10 days or so."

Game on! Unfortunately, I ended up with a very bad tattoo after that which still haunts me to this day. Goddamn Rabbits. No NJP, No called to the quarterdeck to see the man, no nada! We did have some very good times with the command structure during those 2 weeks!

Thats living the dream bro! As long as all you left with is a bad tat!

[6114DAVE]

Thats living the dream bro! As long as all you left with is a bad tat!

Haha...pattaya was the first time i eve heard someone say ". That dude has nice tits" that place is insane ....

[rooster85]

Haha...pattaya was the first time i eve heard someone say ". That dude has nice tits" that place is insane ....

There and hollywood.

[tnlrat37]

I tried a couple times to explain Thailand to civilians and they looked at me like I was from Mars. Went to Pattaya and Phuket, Op Cobra Gold. After Somalia, they gave us 10 days off in Phuket, we made it 8 days before the US Ambassador to Thailand told our CO to get us rounded up and leave. I guess we were raising too much hell. I tell people its like living like a rock star for a week, everyone loves you and money is no object. I just wish I could remember more of it, it's kind of a blur.

[speedextreme16]

Missed the libo-boat in Pattaya, Shore Patrol came thru ordering everyone back to the boat because of a incoming typhoon. So myself and 2 fellow gyrenes start the stumble back to the beach. We arrive at the beach to see the Huge #1 (USS Tarawa) disappearing in the distance. So, unsure of ourselves, we do what any libo-repressed Marine does, head back to the bar to come up with a battleplan. Luckily enough, was stumbling back to the bar when we came across the company gunny, 1st Sgt, CO, & my Plt commander, all stumbling out of the bar after what could have definitely been a 7 day bender. We instantly attach ourselves to the command structure and inform them of the situation to which they were obviously unaware of. We all stumble back to the beach, realizing that we are the only US Military within 20 miles of the beach. So. . . we beeline to the nearest police station, who put us in contact with the US Embassy. Embassy informs us several hours later that the boat wont be able to come back for us for another 2 weeks, and can we rest in place until then? Um. . .hello? another 2 weeks in Pattaya. . . unfettered by thousands and thousands of Marines & Sailors? "Yes Sir, we can do that, would you like us to check in each day and at what time?" . . ."oh, just give us your hotel name, number & room number, and we will call you back in about 10 days or so."

Game on! Unfortunately, I ended up with a very bad tattoo after that which still haunts me to this day. Goddamn Rabbits. No NJP, No called to the quarterdeck to see the man, no nada! We did have some very good times with the command structure during those 2 weeks!

That is F'n awesome! Never made it to Thailand...we were en route to Thailand when we were called to steam to the Persian Gulf. Needless to say, there were a ton of pissed off Marines who were now going to be either in theater on the boat or in the desert. F'n terrorists...

[Alpha Male]

I am not in the service, but my best memories are of my family members who did serve if you don't mind.
This was in the 80s. My uncle and a pal of his went fishing at a pond on base during the winter- After fishing and having a good time, they headed back with their catch thinking they could have a buddy(cook) sneakingly cook it at the chow hall. Well time was ticking and they were supposed to be back quite awhile ago. On the way back, I guess someone who does patrolling was near them- so they freaked out and tossed them suckers into an outside pool that was on the way back to their sleeping quarters. That night, the weather kicked up freezing the top layer of the pool. They thought nothing of it until the pool thawed out and an NCO was screaming who the hell tossed a bunch of fish into the pool. My uncle and his friend were freaking out because some of the fish where still swimming after nearly a month. I don't know how chlorine works or if it separates due to temperature, but them suckers where swimming.

[ChuckDizzle]

I arrived in Bagram Afghanistan in December of 2002. As a young E-3 photographer without a girlfriend or kids to distract me I was exceptionally excited and motivated for this first deployment.

I had done plenty of cool gigs covering our unit's train-up for the deployment and I couldn't wait for my first assignment. It came my second day in country. I was to photograph some sling load pick-ups of artillery canons by CH-47s that would be flown out to FOB Salerno. Ok, not a high speed air assault operation with QRF, but it was still cool, I was going to be ridiculously close to one of the most powerful helicopters on the planet, a first for me.

I linked up with the NCOs in charge and they put me in a safe spot for the photos they need. I put my camera gear together, and got set.

When the rotor wash first hit me as the CH-47 closed in for the pick-up it nearly knocked me down, it did however pick up my camera bag, and roll it about 100 feet off the flight line into the dirt. Of course being so green I didn't secure the top-flap and I watched helplessly as the bag went end over end spilling thousands of dollars worth of lenses, batteries, flashes, and camera bodies across one of the most heavily mined places in the world. If you were ever at Bagram in the early days you probably remember the UXO and mine problem.

I took my photos and the artillery guys took off leaving me standing on the edge of the hardball wondering just how I was going to explain my missing gear, missing leg, or both. Luckily on the other end of the flight line there was a German mine clearing team, and one of their officers spoke English. He was kind enough to send out one of their privates in an armor suit and some big moon-boot looking things on his feet to collect my gear. He, my gear, and my pay-grade survived.

[chris]

I have too many to remember them all let alone one good one.

[maggie06]

I tried a couple times to explain Thailand to civilians and they looked at me like I was from Mars. Went to Pattaya and Phuket, Op Cobra Gold. After Somalia, they gave us 10 days off in Phuket, we made it 8 days before the US Ambassador to Thailand told our CO to get us rounded up and leave. I guess we were raising too much hell. I tell people its like living like a rock star for a week, everyone loves you and money is no object. I just wish I could remember more of it, it's kind of a blur.

I was on Cobra Gold in mid-eighties. Did a jump with a Thai general. After the jump my team changed into our "charlies" and in the middle of the f@@king jungle this general pinned a Thai decoration on the jumpers. Absolutely bizarre!

Same op, on down time we took over top floor of a hotel, just the teams, no civilians, man it was like the movie Animal House, no boundaries. This was in Hat Yai(spelling?)

[1911whore]

One time in Spain.......well, I will leave that one out, but it involves local women, pissed bikers, too much booze and a team of guys using the beach as an exfil back to the hotel before the cops got there

Did you know when you ask a woman in spain to walk with you on the beach and she agrees, this means she wants to have your love child? HMM