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  #41  
Old 03-05-2019, 1:49 PM
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Originally Posted by bombadillo View Post
this Thursday we have a professional marriage counselor that we are both familiar with and he is going to be doing an initial examination or evaluation whatever it's called in this case to find out what the root problems are and he's going to try to sort through the garbage and find out some main source issues. I'm really hoping that this does help and I'm very curious to hear what he thinks on this ultimatum pertaining to it being a lifelong commitment vs. Just letting my yes be yes and my no be no.
Glad to hear it. Make sure that whoever you see has clearly-stated goals for treatment outcomes. There are a fair number of nice therapists who are good listeners and have some good advice. But unless there are some defined goals about what results you both want out of the therapy, it may not be as productive as you want.
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  #42  
Old 03-05-2019, 1:54 PM
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Originally Posted by thetruecheese View Post
false dichotomy

he can drink and have a wife and kids
hell, maybe he wants to have a drink with his kids someday?

but of course this isn't an option he is being ALLOWED to take

op you are in deep, best of luck

It might be a false dichotomy, but it is the choice OP has to make. Pretty obviously his night on Ambian and Alcohol made a big impression on the wife.

I suspect being newly disabled is playing into things too.

But it still comes down to HOW IMPORTANT IS THE BOOZE.

If he is only drinking one scotch a night as he claims how hard would it be to quit for a while until he gets his disability under control and his home life back on solid ground.

And if Wife's real issue isn't the booze quitting would put the ball in her court.
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  #43  
Old 03-05-2019, 3:06 PM
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Originally Posted by 71MUSTY View Post
It might be a false dichotomy, but it is the choice OP has to make. Pretty obviously his night on Ambian and Alcohol made a big impression on the wife.

I suspect being newly disabled is playing into things too.

But it still comes down to HOW IMPORTANT IS THE BOOZE.

If he is only drinking one scotch a night as he claims how hard would it be to quit for a while until he gets his disability under control and his home life back on solid ground.

And if Wife's real issue isn't the booze quitting would put the ball in her court.
The thing isn't necessarily but I'm getting rid of the boots. I literally gave all my alcohol to a friend to keep at his house so that it wasn't even possible to have a drink. Then that made his wife feel uncomfortable because his wife is one of the people that my wife is bouncing things off of, so I told him screw it just throw all of it out and dump it in the garbage can. Then after he dumped it in the garbage can it's still not enough, it comes down to her desire that I make a lifelong commitment to never have any drink again which I feel like is asking too much. In the future if I want the ability to go have a beer with a friend I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I haven't had a drop of alcohol in the last month to show my wife I'm serious about making that commitment that I will not drink anything while I'm taking Ambien. So at this point it isn't a matter that I can't stop drinking or that there is any issue with the ability to stop, it's the fact that I won't make the lifelong commitment as she wants. As I've said again and again, I want to be able to say yes or no and that be that. Biblically it says let your yes be yes or your no be no, make no Covenant with any man and she's not getting that.
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  #44  
Old 03-05-2019, 3:07 PM
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And my apologies if there's grammar errors in this, I'm talking through my phone which if there's an error in it, blame google
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  #45  
Old 03-05-2019, 3:26 PM
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Originally Posted by 71MUSTY View Post
It might be a false dichotomy, but it is the choice OP has to make. Pretty obviously his night on Ambian and Alcohol made a big impression on the wife.

I suspect being newly disabled is playing into things too.

But it still comes down to HOW IMPORTANT IS THE BOOZE.

If he is only drinking one scotch a night as he claims how hard would it be to quit for a while until he gets his disability under control and his home life back on solid ground.

And if Wife's real issue isn't the booze quitting would put the ball in her court.

It could be anything. The booze is a symbol. Clearly the drinking isn't a problem, it's something else barring one or two odd incidents.
The fact it's a false dichotomy is why op is even posting i think.
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  #46  
Old 03-05-2019, 3:55 PM
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Your wife got really scared with the ambien and alcohol combo events.
She sees the doctor's prescription as OK because it is from a doctor.
Therefore, she sees the alcohol as the problem.
She does not want an event to ever happen again, hence the request for a life time commitment to you never drinking alcohol.

What you have to do is build up her confidence in you again.
First and foremost, no more Ambien or similar medications as they seem to affect you greatly.
Pain sucks and can certainly drag you down, as can a resulting lack of sleep.
Talk to your doctor about other medications that are available...something like a mild muscle relaxer or a little valium may help sleeping greatly and should not be a problem if taken only-as-needed.
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  #47  
Old 03-05-2019, 4:30 PM
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Originally Posted by bombadillo View Post
The thing isn't necessarily but I'm getting rid of the boots. I literally gave all my alcohol to a friend to keep at his house so that it wasn't even possible to have a drink. Then that made his wife feel uncomfortable because his wife is one of the people that my wife is bouncing things off of, so I told him screw it just throw all of it out and dump it in the garbage can. Then after he dumped it in the garbage can it's still not enough, it comes down to her desire that I make a lifelong commitment to never have any drink again which I feel like is asking too much. In the future if I want the ability to go have a beer with a friend I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I haven't had a drop of alcohol in the last month to show my wife I'm serious about making that commitment that I will not drink anything while I'm taking Ambien. So at this point it isn't a matter that I can't stop drinking or that there is any issue with the ability to stop, it's the fact that I won't make the lifelong commitment as she wants. As I've said again and again, I want to be able to say yes or no and that be that. Biblically it says let your yes be yes or your no be no, make no Covenant with any man and she's not getting that.
Well said, I still say flush the Ambian, I'm not kidding about the friend who sleep drove on it and killed a kid. Really sad and IMHO caused by sleep driving on Ambian + Alcohol (in his boxers), unfortunately the courts did not see it that way and we was convicted


Bring all this up with the counselor. Maybe she can help your wife see things more clearly.

Best of luck to you
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  #48  
Old 03-06-2019, 8:44 AM
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So you are being forced to choose alcohol or wife? Should be a simple choice, but since itís not maybe you need to be honest with yourself. If your wife told you to stop doing something small it would be no problem. The fact that itís a big deal shows that it may be a problem even though you donít take it to excess.
Since we are on the topic of faith, Jesus tells us to deny ourselves and follow Him. We are a new creation in Christ and have died to the flesh that we might live. We leave the old man behind for something infinitely more valuable... in many ways this is how your relationship with your wife and alcohol may be viewed.
Look past her faults and try to live with her in peace
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  #49  
Old 03-06-2019, 9:34 AM
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Originally Posted by FresnoRob View Post
This. Early in our marriage drinking was a stumbling block for my wife. I agree I was drinking too much. I gave it up for a time. Now Iíll have maybe 1 beer a week and my marriage is better for the change. 34 years now this month.


We went through a similar time. My wife came up in a Mormon family. Sheís not practicing, but she always was anti drinking. Iím opposite, Christian and I have a work hard play hard mentality. It took some time, but we both realized ultimatums would only drive us further apart. She loosened up and I tightened up. We couldnít be happier these days.

For the OP, seems like his wife is doing something we talk often here about anti gun groups doing, and thatís focusing on the wrong thing (blame the gun and not the actual problem). Doesnít sound like drinking is/was ever the problem, but for some reason sheís blaming the ďgunĒ aka alcohol. Like others have said, drop the ambien. It seems to be the root cause. Talk to a doctor about alternatives.

Not sure of the injury, but is working out/ exercise an option? I had severe neck pain for years. Doctor said I have two degenerative disks. 5 months ago I started working out with a personal trainer. I have no pain now, feel great both physically and self image, and I drink less. Iíd rather go get sweaty and tired lifting, than tired and lethargic sitting a drinking.
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  #50  
Old 03-06-2019, 1:35 PM
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My wife tried to pull that stunt with me with guns. Tried to make me commit to just 5 guns. I repeat, tried.

She's coming at this out of fear, not reason, making you commit to a life long ban on alcohol because she had a scare from you mixing alcohol and ambien. She's afraid of losing you or losing her kids.

I wouldn't commit to the ban unless it's self-imposed. For example, I decided to give up gambling on my own. If my wife coerced me to do it, I would resent it.

You already told her that you wouldn't mix the two and demonstrated for a month. Sounds like you're not abusing alcohol and you're a man of your word.

I think your wife needs to submit to your leadership and you need to help her feel secure. Showing anger and frustration at home doesn't help. I've been there. Still there, but better.
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  #51  
Old 03-14-2019, 6:04 PM
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Originally Posted by bombadillo View Post
3 kids

14 years

Yes I certainly want to make it work.

Definitely feel backed into a corner
Ask your wife to go to marriage counseling with your minister....a 3 impartial party will help her see that her 3 friends shouldn't be part of her marriage, and help you get to the bottom of what is really bothering her, and how you can work on it together.
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  #52  
Old 03-15-2019, 6:08 AM
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We are both going to a mutually known and trusted counselor and hopefully things will be getting better from here. There are changes happening, and I'll keep some posted up here up to speed if anybody cares to hear it.
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  #53  
Old 03-15-2019, 9:45 AM
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Keep folks posted. I'd like to hear about how other believers handle such things with their spouses.
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  #54  
Old 03-15-2019, 9:51 AM
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Do you take pain pills for your back?

I have been sober since Sept. 20, 2008.

I didnít realize I had a drinking problem until I quit.

If youíre in pain pills, they have an effect on your neurotransmitters that make you believe youíre in more pain than what youíre actually in.

I had cervical fusion but for years I thought I was in need of medication until I cut those out also.

If your wife loves you she might have a point. I donít know either if you do I canít say one way or the other...

Good luck and God bless


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  #55  
Old 03-15-2019, 10:01 AM
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+1 on natural elements...
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  #56  
Old 03-18-2019, 4:55 PM
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I put the beer down 30 years ago. No problem for me. Anything that impairs my ability to make sound judgments I want no part of.
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  #57  
Old 03-18-2019, 5:08 PM
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Sometimes even the most sincere and well intentioned couples cannot see or work their way out of a problem. Sometime we get so dug into our own views that we really can't see the whole picture. There is no shame or weakness in seeking counseling from a Christian professional. Someone who will not 'arbitrate' or decide who is right or wrong, but someone who will facilitate communication between the two who are stuck in a dilemma and allow them together to resolve the problem.
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  #58  
Old 03-18-2019, 6:01 PM
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Originally Posted by bombadillo View Post
So first off being a Christian, have severe back problems, and casually drink, I wanted to ask some questions.

I preface this that way because it leads into other things. So I have severe back problems and have to take sleeping pills to sleep. I will have a scotch in the evenings, and don't overdo it by any stretch. I have had a couple problems in the past where I have not slept, taken an Ambien, and then had a scotch afterward. It's led to me cooking at night, and doing some crazy things. It got to the point where my wife thought I had a problem with drinking, but we went back and forth on the ambien and mixing it with alcohol. I told her that I would NOT drink ANYTHING for the time I am having to take the Ambien to sleep. She wants me to make a LIFELONG commitment to her and God that I will never consume alcohol again. I don't believe that I have any problem with alcohol and have simply stopped drinking for the time being. I'm at near breakpoint in my marriage right now and am just frustrated.

I'm upset that EVERYTHING I say seems to have to get run through about 3 other women and I can't talk directly to my wife without her having to "make sure she's thinking right" all the time. I feel like I married another 3 women in addition to my wife and I'm going a little nutty over it.

THAT SAID, I'm feeling like I'm pinned in a corner and it's my way or the highway as far as drinking is concerned to my wife. I don't tend to do well when I'm feeling trapped or like someone is trying to coerce me to do something I just don't want to do. What are your thoughts (TO THE MEN OF FAITH) regarding what I've stated. I'll answer any other detail questions you may have if need be.

-C
As a Pastor and Lic Therapist, in my experience often the presenting issue isn't the issue (notably when on the surface there seems to be an overreaction) get some Pastoral Counseling, someone that can help you as a couple explore all of the issues and give some direction.

Last edited by Keith4him; 03-18-2019 at 6:15 PM..
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  #59  
Old 03-18-2019, 6:33 PM
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As a Pastor and Lic Therapist, my experience is often the presenting issue isn't the issue (notably when on the surface there seems to be an overreaction) get some Pastoral Counseling, someone that can help as a couple explore all of the issues and give some direction.



UPDATE:

So because I said I would, I am updating this from time to time. I/we DID go get counseling and will continue to each thursday at the low low rate of $185 per session.....ouch.

We are getting to some of the root problems for sure (most of which are really NOT the drinking come to find out as you suspected) and there are a lot of deep hurts and trust issues that have gone on over the years. We are bringing out and up a lot of things that have been on the backburner, and it's essentially a trust issue. In some ways I have broken a trust and some ways she just NEVER had the trust to begin with going back to childhood issues. Feel free to ask questions if you want, I'll go in depth as far as I'm comfortable with.
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  #60  
Old 03-18-2019, 7:00 PM
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Ah nothing like mandatory ultimatums to remind you what a great marriage looks like.



Flush the ambien, Start exercising for your back, and tell the wife you like your scotch but have her make you a drink and keep you on only one here and there.


I hate to be a jerk but it seems like the drinking might be worse than your making it out. Pretty rare a wife will straight up tell you the quitting for life is something that's on the table if its not a real problem.
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  #61  
Old 03-19-2019, 6:17 AM
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Originally Posted by bombadillo View Post
UPDATE:

So because I said I would, I am updating this from time to time. I/we DID go get counseling and will continue to each thursday at the low low rate of $185 per session.....ouch.

We are getting to some of the root problems for sure (most of which are really NOT the drinking come to find out as you suspected) and there are a lot of deep hurts and trust issues that have gone on over the years. We are bringing out and up a lot of things that have been on the backburner, and it's essentially a trust issue. In some ways I have broken a trust and some ways she just NEVER had the trust to begin with going back to childhood issues. Feel free to ask questions if you want, I'll go in depth as far as I'm comfortable with.
Glad to hear, trust and reconciliation can happen, notably since you have a great resource the living Christ!
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  #62  
Old 03-19-2019, 8:12 AM
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Originally Posted by bombadillo View Post
UPDATE:

So because I said I would, I am updating this from time to time. I/we DID go get counseling and will continue to each thursday at the low low rate of $185 per session.....ouch.
.
Too bad your insurance doesn't cover it.
What city do you live in? There's a workshop that my wife and I took in LA that's cost effective.
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