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Ladies Forum A place for our female Calgunners to discuss, share and interact without the 'excess attention' sometimes found in online forums.

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  #41  
Old 06-07-2012, 2:55 PM
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In process of rebuilding site then organization to bring some order.

Don't have a chapter in Santa Barbara yet, sorry.

The my way or the highway is control issue. My best friend got divorced because he wanted a motorcycle and his ex said if you get a motorcycle, I am leaving the marriage.

In hindsight he booked at the relationship and what his ex wife was doing was slowly emasculating him to turn him into her lap dog.

I am finally starting to write "Tryanny get your gun" and a large section will deal with the anti gun mental block that many in the LBGT community have.

The focus on my book of course will be self defense from hate crimes and it is geared as a first step to considering firearms options for a serious life and death issue for people in the LBGT community.

I will start with an e book first and assuming I have demand, will publish it in a real book with follow up books on guns and tactics to follow shortly thereafter.

Nicki
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  #42  
Old 06-07-2012, 7:04 PM
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Welcome Tammy. I live a similar situation with my husband of 35 years. I have not pushed the 'gun' thing on him and I truly had no idea the depths of his aversion to handguns especially until I exercised my 2nd amendment rights. Its been a bit tense to say the least.

Long story short, I shoot, he doesn't.

Good luck.

Teresa
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  #43  
Old 06-07-2012, 8:27 PM
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Teresa, my husband isn't sure he believes in private gunownership!
he's Australian and has a different mind set......most australians are anti-gun.
he shakes his head at me re self-defense but he also tells me i need to go to the range 'cause he knows its meditative for me. go figure! doesn't support 2A but doesn't get in the way of my buying guns and the ammo to shoot them. he has shot a few of my guns up in the high Sierra but i don't ask him to go to the range with me and he doesn't offer. he views it as "the crazy thing the wife does but she enjoys it so i'll let it go", i think. hope you get to the same point, Teresa.
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  #44  
Old 07-07-2012, 7:13 PM
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For those interested in an update:

Since I last posted, my spouse and I have had several long talks about both the gun issue and the larger issues in our relationship. I honestly don't know what the future holds in terms of our relationship, but I was clear that gun ownership is important to me and that, if she chooses to remain in a relationship with me, she'll need to accept that. I was also clear that I don't want to stay in a relationship just because of inertia or momentum, and that if we're going to stay together it's going to have to be because she makes an active, conscious choice to be with me (and I with her). We both recognize complications to separating right now (business, child, house, etc.) but I think the next year or so will, one way or the other, bring a decision about the future.

In the meantime, there are some minorly encouraging signs that her absolute opposition to guns may have a little wiggle to them. I've joined IDPA (and will be shooting my first match, with borrowed gear, next month). I've two range trips planned in the next 4 weeks or so, and my spouse has moved from "i want nothing gun-related in the house at all" to agreeing to my buying a Blue Guns Glock replica thingie so I can practice draws, sight picture, etc. for IDPA. (Small steps, right?) She's shown zero interest in going shooting with me, meeting other shooters, or dipping even the tiniest toe into that world. And I still have no idea where her opposition is coming from, apart from control issues.

Thank you again for all your support, and I'll continue to update progress if people are interested. The next year will be interesting and challenging, but one way or another I think the outcome will be a positive one for me, and I deeply appreciate the support and generosity of spirit of everyone who's chimed in on these issues.

Tammy
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  #45  
Old 07-07-2012, 7:45 PM
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Thanks for the update - good for you! Things will turn out right, and hopefully that includes keeping the family together.

also - before you buy a bluegun, it is more spendy, but check out SIRT, can add trigger pulls and sight pictures with feedback to your practice.
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  #46  
Old 07-08-2012, 7:45 AM
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another thanks for the update!
re future updates: of course i want them! i'm a woman and we women keep in contact, don't you know?!
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  #47  
Old 07-08-2012, 7:57 AM
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Tammy, thanks for the update. I'm glad you're attempting to work things out. A lot people don't realize that relationships require effort and will just walk out when the "happily ever after" thing doesn't just magically happen.

I think it's very cool that you're competing. If my vision was better, I'd be looking at that too.
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  #48  
Old 07-08-2012, 4:31 PM
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My apologies for jumping into the ladies' forum, but I do have a small recommendation. Morgan Spurlock did an episode of 30 Days in which he sent a woman to Ohio's "Gun Country" where she kind of underwent a metamorphosis in her stance against guns. It is available on instant streaming at Netflix. Perhaps it will give you some inspiration.

Good luck!
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  #49  
Old 07-08-2012, 6:22 PM
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Tammy,
Also responded to your post in the IDPA forum. It seems that there's positive developments on the significant other front which is positive. Before you rush out and buy a specific gun, shoot a few, even if they are rentals. Alternately, most clubs that run IDPA matches have forums. Post that you're trying to gain experience with different guns. I bet you can find a few people that will bring an extra rig. The real hurdle is shooting that first match. The Gold Cup is a truly excellent weapon. It will be more expensive to feed than a full size 9mm. I often do IDPA training drills with my nephew at Burro Canyon on a private range. We can always get you through the initial safety apprehension on a private range. Most local IDPA matches are a great bunch of folks out to have fun, but the one place they can never be lax is obviously safe gun handling. Welcome to the "club". I think you'll find that we really are a diverse and friendly bunch, and not, in reality, befitting of any particular stereotype.

Dan,
Long time shooter and reloaded, IDPA newbie.
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  #50  
Old 07-15-2012, 8:28 PM
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Another update, even though the words "un-f***ing-believable" are running through my head right now...

So, spouse and I had a fairly lengthy conversation tonight about this stuff. I articulated, calmly and honestly, all the reasons I want to own a gun (sport, recreation, self-defense, personal empowerment). Then she articulated (in a rather more heated way, but that's not unusual for her) the reasons why she is opposed to my owning a gun. They were thus:

1. The primary purpose of a gun is to deprive living things of their lives, and she doesn't want to live in the same house as a device whose primary purpose is depriving people of their lives;

2. She believes that the "law of attraction" is a strong force in the universe, and that by having a gun I'd be attracting trouble into our lives;

3. She believes that, if I have a gun, I'd lose my temper during an argument and shoot her. (Never find the fact that I work, in part, as a mediator, and my whole job revolves around staying calm and centered in the face of heated emotions.)

She said that the most she's willing to compromise is to "allow" me to own a gun if I store it elsewhere and ever bring the gun, ammunition, etc. into the house, and that if I'm not willing to agree to that, she is willing to end our relationship. And she said that even the Blue Gun I bought (with her consent) to practice draws, sight acquisition, target transitions etc. for IDPA "deeply bothers" her and if it was up to her it wouldn't be in the house either.

I responded by thanking her (calmly) for her honesty and for being willing to express her viewpoint, even though I disagree with it, and I told her that I would carefully consider what she had to say and let her know my response in two weeks when we next meet with our family therapist.

Frankly, I'm gobsmacked right now. "If we get into an argument, you'd shoot me"? Really? Honestly, it seems to me that, if that's true, her view of me is a much bigger threat to our relationship than the presence of a gun would be. Either way, though, I have some tough decisions to make in the next couple weeks.

Thank you all for your ongoing support and willingness to be my sounding board (and moral support)! I truly appreciate it.

Tammy
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  #51  
Old 07-15-2012, 8:53 PM
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This is ... epic. And sad. I'm sorry.

I know that I wouldn't choose to live in a home where my partner thought I would actually do bodily harm if we were in an argument. And I would have probably stated that immediately. "If you don't feel safe with me, even when we argue, then we need to be done." I wouldn't be waiting two weeks. It's not worth it. That's two more weeks of living with someone who obviously has some irrational fears. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

If it were me, and I was in your position and gave myself two weeks to think, I would be spending it thinking about the living situation and who's going to be moving out and what steps need to be taken for that to happen.

*sigh*

This sucks for you. And no matter what your decision ends up being, it's not going to be easy. Again, I'm sorry.
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  #52  
Old 07-15-2012, 9:09 PM
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Originally Posted by MonkeyGrrl View Post
If it were me, and I was in your position and gave myself two weeks to think, I would be spending it thinking about the living situation and who's going to be moving out and what steps need to be taken for that
Honestly, this is pretty much where I am right now. I told her, "if you are actually seriously worried that I'd shoot you, we have a much larger problem than a disagreement about guns". So, I think the reality is that the next two weeks will be about figuring out living situation (we own a home and have a teenage daughter) and how I can move from being a participant in the business we've run together to finding a job and being economically self-sufficient again.

This sucks...especially after almost 15 years together...but she doesn't understand how much more is at stake for me in this decision than "Tammy wants a gun". And the sad truth is, I honestly doubt she ever will.
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  #53  
Old 07-15-2012, 9:10 PM
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tammy, as you noted before, this isn't about the gun as much as it is a power play in your relationship.

1-yes, the primary reason for owning a gun is to put food on the table & self-protection both of which do end life. however, in both instances warranted.

2-yes, there is a law of attraction in the universe which includes but is not limited to bad guys being attracted to defenseless persons.

3-might be what she'd do but she's projecting a fear that is unsubstantiated unless at sometime during your relationship you've had her in a stranglehold.

storing a gun elsewhere does nothing for you re self-protection or your ability to protect her and the child in your home. so, does she have a plan for how to protect herself and the child if you are absent and an intruder breaks in? is she going to willingly allow herself to be raped and murdered? what about watching those things happen to her child? is she willing "to go there"?

she's stated she's willing to end the relationship if you can't agree to her terms. fair is fair and she did put her cards on the table. you do have factors that make an immediate break not practical so having and/or storing guns and/or ammo out of the house is a fair compromise for the time being. you can try it and see how you feel about it. be equally clear with her that while you might try it you can't guarantee that you will find it acceptable and are willing to walk.

the "gun" isn't the real issue. hopefully, your therapist has keyed in on that. it may be that your relationship has run its course and the only safe way she can end it is to blame your interest in guns.

the only thing you can do now is to be clear for yourself what you want your life to be like and what you want in it. if you really love her, then make it clear you need to have a means to defend her if someone wants to do her harm. that you need to be able to protect the child. that you need to be able to protect yourself. having a gun in your home in a safe or waiting until the child leaves are also options. only you can decide what works and does not work for you. but it is YOU, not her, that needs to make that decision. she is responsible for her decisions and you for yours.

my husband is not necessarily supportive of the right to self-defense but i already had guns before we met. it was a package deal. however, my adding to my collection took some time and the realization that i really did need to protect myself [reverse 911 call for a felon who had a shoot out with the sheriff just over the ridge did the trick].

yep, if she sees you as that much of a threat, well, she needs to remove all the knives from the house, not ride in a car with you, pour her own drinks, etc.

again, i'm sorry your relationship has gone on the rocks and i'm sorry she hasn't "heard" you re no longer wanting to be a victim and empowering yourself.
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  #54  
Old 07-15-2012, 9:26 PM
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This is an interesting drama that I can't get into.

Still I am curious, Tammy, about your username. It is also the twittername of Colorado writer Theresa Crater. Did you know that?

EDIT: Regarding the issue of "Honey, no guns in my house," here is the Calguns male POV.
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  #55  
Old 07-15-2012, 10:21 PM
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Originally Posted by tlcwrites View Post
Another update, even though the words "un-f***ing-believable" are running through my head right now...

So, spouse and I had a fairly lengthy conversation tonight about this stuff. I articulated, calmly and honestly, all the reasons I want to own a gun (sport, recreation, self-defense, personal empowerment). Then she articulated (in a rather more heated way, but that's not unusual for her) the reasons why she is opposed to my owning a gun. They were thus:

1. The primary purpose of a gun is to deprive living things of their lives, and she doesn't want to live in the same house as a device whose primary purpose is depriving people of their lives;

2. She believes that the "law of attraction" is a strong force in the universe, and that by having a gun I'd be attracting trouble into our lives;

3. She believes that, if I have a gun, I'd lose my temper during an argument and shoot her. (Never find the fact that I work, in part, as a mediator, and my whole job revolves around staying calm and centered in the face of heated emotions.)

She said that the most she's willing to compromise is to "allow" me to own a gun if I store it elsewhere and ever bring the gun, ammunition, etc. into the house, and that if I'm not willing to agree to that, she is willing to end our relationship. And she said that even the Blue Gun I bought (with her consent) to practice draws, sight acquisition, target transitions etc. for IDPA "deeply bothers" her and if it was up to her it wouldn't be in the house either.

I responded by thanking her (calmly) for her honesty and for being willing to express her viewpoint, even though I disagree with it, and I told her that I would carefully consider what she had to say and let her know my response in two weeks when we next meet with our family therapist.

Frankly, I'm gobsmacked right now. "If we get into an argument, you'd shoot me"? Really? Honestly, it seems to me that, if that's true, her view of me is a much bigger threat to our relationship than the presence of a gun would be. Either way, though, I have some tough decisions to make in the next couple weeks.

Thank you all for your ongoing support and willingness to be my sounding board (and moral support)! I truly appreciate it.

Tammy

Your honesty is valued. Looking at this from the outside in, she's made her point loud and clear. I will not go so far as to suggest her mind cannot be changed, but I am almost certain it won't be changed by you in the near future.

The choice is clear-your guns, or your relationship with this woman. She's made it clear it won't be both. Note that I am not judging your girlfriend;she has the right to dislike firearms and all things associated with them. This is obviously not compatible with your own desires and choices, which means looking from the outside in any future you have together is in serious doubt.Someone has to change or someone has to walk . A house divided cannot stand.
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  #56  
Old 07-15-2012, 11:27 PM
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Originally Posted by tlcwrites View Post
I recognize this is totally the reverse of the problem that a lot of couples have, but my (female - we're a same-gender couple) spouse has been watching my excitement/interest in guns with mounting discomfort. I'm planning to go watch an IDPA match next month, have two more range dates with friends planned, and am reading and learning as much as I possibly can. As I've learned more, and talked some about it, she's become vocal in her opposition to having guns in the house.

Part of this fear I understand - we have a teenage daughter with some mental health issues, and it's likely Very Unwise to have a gun in the house until she moves out next year. But some of what she's said makes me wonder if I'll have to choose between my spouse and a gun. I've been trying to (gently) encourage her to come with me to the range sometime, with a mostly lukewarm response so far.

A big part of her concern, I think, is her view that owning a gun is primarily about wanting to kill people. For me, that's not it at all - part of it is the fun of shooting, and part of it is that I've been the victim of a violent crime before (was sexually assaulted at knifepoint) and have a very strong investment in not being a victim again. To me, having a gun for home defense is like having smoke alarms or homeowner's insurance - most people never need it, but when you do, you'll be awfully sorry if you don't have it.

I'm reading Kathy Jackson's "Cornered Cat" book, and I really resonated with her comment to the effect that "the bad guy's already chosen that someone's going to die, and the gun just enables you to choose that it won't be you." But so far, my spouse has been vocal in her opposition, and I know if I push too hard she'll give me an "it's me or a gun" ultimatum, which isn't going to be nice for anybody.

So, any suggestions on how to help her with this? What helped you to bridge that psychological barrier? Advice and/or moral support are welcome. :-)
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http://www.calguns.net/calgunforum/s...d.php?t=595674

Talk about a failure in life. He would whore out any aspect of his manhood and not make a stand for anything.
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  #57  
Old 07-16-2012, 6:08 AM
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Originally Posted by tlcwrites View Post
I responded by thanking her (calmly) for her honesty and for being willing to express her viewpoint, even though I disagree with it, and I told her that I would carefully consider what she had to say and let her know my response in two weeks when we next meet with our family therapist.

Frankly, I'm gobsmacked right now. "If we get into an argument, you'd shoot me"? Really? Honestly, it seems to me that, if that's true, her view of me is a much bigger threat to our relationship than the presence of a gun would be. Either way, though, I have some tough decisions to make in the next couple weeks.

Thank you all for your ongoing support and willingness to be my sounding board (and moral support)! I truly appreciate it.

Tammy
Oof - good luck, with belief systems in place like those this looks like it will be a really tough road.
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Old 07-16-2012, 6:50 AM
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........... Note that I am not judging your girlfriend;she has the right to dislike firearms and all things associated with them. This is obviously not compatible with your own desires and choices, which means looking from the outside in any future you have together is in serious doubt.Someone has to change or someone has to walk . A house divided cannot stand.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ in the end, it all comes down to this.

hope things go ok for our today, tammy.
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  #59  
Old 07-16-2012, 10:18 AM
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Tammy,

I agree with yourself and everyone else. We know your spouses logic is fundamentally flawed but in her eyes its emotionally sound...and then if that's the case it takes a life altering shift to change someone's point of view. You're not going to do this through talk, taking her to the range, etc.

The sad part is that there is no compromise. She allows you to bring the practice gun into the house and then goes back on that. She is saying she will allow you to buy a gun under certain circumstances, however from the sounds of things I am sure she would change her mind. Once you start spending time with your gun buddies, she is going to be at home stewing and the situation will only get worse. This is just going to push you into a place where you ultimately have to make a decision.

For those who say vows come first...I agree to an extent but people change and part of pledging your life to someone else is also pledging that you will adapt as that person grows. If you don't the two of you will eventually grow apart and your vows will be worthless.

I lost a few relationships because I refused to give up motorcycles and learned to simply be very upfront that they would be a part of my life with little to no exceptions. As for guns, I've waited until things got a bit more serious before I had those talks but they have scared people away as well. However, I've found that once you do find someone who can love you AND your 2A addiction...you have someone who's a keeper!

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Old 07-16-2012, 4:33 PM
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3. She believes that, if I have a gun, I'd lose my temper during an argument and shoot her. (Never find the fact that I work, in part, as a mediator, and my whole job revolves around staying calm and centered in the face of heated emotions.)
You're correct. If this is what she thinks, then there are larger issues than the gun. I mean I'm assuming that you haven't stabbed her with a kitchen knife or beaten her with a fireplace poker during an argument so far.....both of which could be just as deadly.

Quote:
She said that the most she's willing to compromise is to "allow" me to own a gun if I store it elsewhere and ever bring the gun, ammunition, etc. into the house, and that if I'm not willing to agree to that, she is willing to end our relationship.
I'm going to switch hats here. I have a degree in psychology specializing in relationship counseling. This is what is referred to as "emotional blackmail". The thing is that ultimatums rarely work in the manner in which the originator believes they will. I sincerely doubt that gun ownership goes against one of her core values, so really this is just her being unwilling to work past her own comfort levels.

It's not so much that your hobby is coming in front of your vows. It has to do with a lack of compromise on something that isn't a core value.

I'm so sorry Tammy, I know it's hard.
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Old 07-17-2012, 6:35 PM
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I'd just like to toss my .02 in here.

Tammy, you're obviously a smart, eloquent, well read woman. I have no doubt that if you end up having to take the hard path here...that you will end up in a better place eventually. I was touched by this thread and your honest, insightful comments as I've had similar (but not the same) experiences. Thanks for sharing.
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Old 07-17-2012, 8:12 PM
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Unhappy Sad thread

This thread
  1. is an extremely good thread.
  2. tells a very sad story.
I feel sad that you and your spouse are going through this trouble with these issues. May the Lady and Lord bless you both, always. May it be that everything works out for the ultimate good, no matter what.


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Old 07-17-2012, 8:28 PM
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I only read the OP's post. So that is what I will adress.

I "HAD" three teenage boys in the house and my wife.

I have a safe an I am the only one with the combo.

When I have a gun out it is typicall a handgun and it is on my side at all times. I dont leave it laying anywhere.

I am EXTREMELY cautious when it comes to my firearms and ensuring no one gets hurt by them. No one else in my household trains as I do with firearms, so for them to have access to them would probably be more problamatic than anything.

I work and go home, if anything were to happen I would more than likely be here anyway. I want to start getting the wife to the range so I feel comfortable with her around guns so I can give her the combo to the safe.

If you take all the corrrect precautions and ensure your firearms are either with you or locked in your safe, there is no reason for your wife to worry, or anyone else.

Your wife needs to understand that most criminals if they are going to do a home invasion, they will be armed. you can choose either to be a victim at their mercy, and most criminals dont show much. or you can try and equalize the situation in order to protect your family. Excuse the pun, but your wife is basically shooting her self in the foot by limiting your ability to protect your family.

Personally, I try to go out shooting as much as I can. not so much because I enjoy it. I really dont that much. cost money, then time cleaning the guns when I get home. rather spend time with the family. the reason I shoot is for one reason, to keep my skill set up to par in case I ever need it for self defense.
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Old 07-17-2012, 8:34 PM
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Originally Posted by HatersLOVEme : ) View Post
My Buddy had the same problem with his very closed minded stubborn and controlling Anti gun partner and he was given the very clear ultimatum when they moved in together on the very first week to get rid of all the things that can kill people ( meaning his pistol and rifle left to him by his late father ) .
Not trying to sound like a bada *****, but I served in the Marine Corps for 10 years and have 30 years of martial arts training. I can easily kill someone with my bare hands. or a kitchen knife, or a pen or pencil etc etc.

So where do you draw the line? anyone can really kill another person with any object of they are threatend enough. anyone can take a pen and thrust it into someones eye as far as it will go.

Anyone can take a skillet and crack it over someones had hard enough to kill them.

Firearms are just one of many ways to take someones life.

Personally if it happened the way it sounds, he had no idea it was coming and she waiting until the first week they moved in together, that is pretty low. that should have been made well know WAY in advance. probably needs to kick her to the curb because obviously she will be controlling and obviously he doesnt know her as well as he thought he did.

Just my .02
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Old 07-17-2012, 10:41 PM
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Welcome to CalGuns, Tammy. Best of luck to you .
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Old 07-18-2012, 8:45 AM
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I recognize this is totally the reverse of the problem that a lot of couples have, but my (female - we're a same-gender couple) spouse has been watching my excitement/interest in guns with mounting discomfort. I'm planning to go watch an IDPA match next month, have two more range dates with friends planned, and am reading and learning as much as I possibly can. As I've learned more, and talked some about it, she's become vocal in her opposition to having guns in the house.

Part of this fear I understand - we have a teenage daughter with some mental health issues, and it's likely Very Unwise to have a gun in the house until she moves out next year. But some of what she's said makes me wonder if I'll have to choose between my spouse and a gun. I've been trying to (gently) encourage her to come with me to the range sometime, with a mostly lukewarm response so far.

A big part of her concern, I think, is her view that owning a gun is primarily about wanting to kill people. For me, that's not it at all - part of it is the fun of shooting, and part of it is that I've been the victim of a violent crime before (was sexually assaulted at knifepoint) and have a very strong investment in not being a victim again. To me, having a gun for home defense is like having smoke alarms or homeowner's insurance - most people never need it, but when you do, you'll be awfully sorry if you don't have it.

I'm reading Kathy Jackson's "Cornered Cat" book, and I really resonated with her comment to the effect that "the bad guy's already chosen that someone's going to die, and the gun just enables you to choose that it won't be you." But so far, my spouse has been vocal in her opposition, and I know if I push too hard she'll give me an "it's me or a gun" ultimatum, which isn't going to be nice for anybody.

So, any suggestions on how to help her with this? What helped you to bridge that psychological barrier? Advice and/or moral support are welcome. :-)
you defiantly have a hard row to hoe (I'm from the south we still talk funny)I have two words for you. GUN SAFE. After that ask her to at least give it a good faith honest try. If she does, she can pass judgement based on her own experience instead of what strangers have told her, or what she has seen in the media. I'll bet you my beer money when she experiences interacting with responsible gun owners her mind will open.
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:53 PM
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Honestly, this is pretty much where I am right now. I told her, "if you are actually seriously worried that I'd shoot you, we have a much larger problem than a disagreement about guns". So, I think the reality is that the next two weeks will be about figuring out living situation (we own a home and have a teenage daughter) and how I can move from being a participant in the business we've run together to finding a job and being economically self-sufficient again.

This sucks...especially after almost 15 years together...but she doesn't understand how much more is at stake for me in this decision than "Tammy wants a gun". And the sad truth is, I honestly doubt she ever will.
Tammy, this conversation seemed to be pointing in this direction from the beginning.

Your spouse is controlling, but she appears to be controlling not because she's "strong willed" but because she's insecure. She finds your empowerment of owning a firearm intimidating and assumes that it would cancel out any control she has - either leading to you leaving her or her being forced to give up her wishes in favor of yours (not under the threat of violence, but because said empowerment will make you "stronger willed" than her).

The suggestion that she thinks you'll lose your temper and shoot her is a toss out of left field, but (as you said) it betrays a deeper problem. She doesn't REALLY think you'd shoot her; she (for lack of a better phrase) thinks that the gun will replace her.

This doesn't sound like you can reconcile it, but I want to pose two rhetorical questions.
If you were absolutely certain she was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with - would you give up shooting for her?
If she was absolutely sure you were the person she wanted to spend the rest of her life with - wouldn't she be able to accept a gun?
If this is THAT BIG of an issue, it probably wasn't meant to be.

For the benefit of other readers:
Quote:
Originally Posted by tlcwrites View Post
1. The primary purpose of a gun is to deprive living things of their lives, and she doesn't want to live in the same house as a device whose primary purpose is depriving people of their lives;
The primary purpose of a knife is to cut things, why would you want a device in your home that's primary purpose is mutilating?

Quote:
Originally Posted by tlcwrites View Post
2. She believes that the "law of attraction" is a strong force in the universe, and that by having a gun I'd be attracting trouble into our lives;
Opposites attract. Guns don't attract more guns - but being unprepared attracts trouble.

Last edited by db42; 07-19-2012 at 7:21 AM..
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Old 07-19-2012, 12:21 AM
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The worst thing you could do is force this thing of ours on to your spouse. Let her do what she likes and do your own thing. Heres how I dealt with it: I always cleaned and played with my stuff away in garage/shop area. I did not show anything to anyone in my family and always was strict about my space. But I had to realize sooner or later that in my family, my wife is also a teammate to defend our children, our family, property and everything else in between.....it took me years of explaining the benefits of it. Years of gradually giving her the opportunity to see this my way. Of course now she customises her stuff and looks at mine as guidance. However, you must understand that many people here in USA and everywhere else are just plainly afraid of guns. It takes patience....lots of it.
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Old 07-19-2012, 8:23 AM
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My wife didn't like guns at all and always politely argued that she was uncomfortable with guns, especially handguns in the house. After living with me for 1.5 years she saw my handguns safely unloaded in boxes and later in the safe. She brought up her courage to ask me about guns, especially on the occasions we watch action movies.

I offered to demystify guns for her and she opened up to guns in a positive way. Of course she has the rule that I can't have any more than 3 guns in the house at any time (I think I have 5 now). The good side is she knows I am a safe gun owner, and we go shooting together. We are very happy and after drilling her on the 4 laws of gun safety I tell her this joke "If you ever shoot me, it better not be an accident, it would break my heart".

My point is once the guns are in the house, safe and locked up, they don't become an issue. Guns around don't have some kind of field of evil. Guns only become an issue if a person is looking and meditating on them. I doubt you're going to be playing with the guns out every day. The act of drilling with a blue gun in front of her might be too much for her to understand, or reinforce her hatred or fear of guns. I'd just keep the guns in boxes and let them be a part of reality. If she really loves you, she will give you the space, and trust you to have your own hobbies and interests.
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Old 07-19-2012, 1:39 PM
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Originally Posted by tlcwrites View Post
<snip>the reasons why she is opposed to my owning a gun. They were thus:

1. The primary purpose of a gun is to deprive living things of their lives, and she doesn't want to live in the same house as a device whose primary purpose is depriving people of their lives;

2. She believes that the "law of attraction" is a strong force in the universe, and that by having a gun I'd be attracting trouble into our lives;

3. She believes that, if I have a gun, I'd lose my temper during an argument and shoot her. (Never find the fact that I work, in part, as a mediator, and my whole job revolves around staying calm and centered in the face of heated emotions.)
<snip>
Ugh. Sorry for another smelly boy invading the forum, but for what little they're worth, I'd like to give my thoughts on these points.

1. The primary purpose of a gun is to throw a small piece of metal very fast. It's true that most, say, AK-47s have historically been made with the intent of killing or threatening to kill people, but the opposite is true of target pistols. I've never intended my pistols to kill anything; as evidence: they're kept unloaded and in the basement locked with a padlock for which I couldn't remember the combination under stress. Shooting paper or pop cans is certainly an end in itself, for fun and for the esoteric skill of it, but you have admitted a willingness to kill with it, however, so she does kinda have you there. I assume and hope that by "home defense" in the OP that you mean shooting someone if needed, not just brandishing the gun and hoping they don't take it away from you!

As an aside, if she dislikes "killing things," and is not a vegan, you should point out that eating meat or using leather and being opposed to hunting is the height of hypocracy! I don't actually LIKE killing and butchering animals other than fish, 'cause it's messy and smelly and I'm not much good at it (fish are easy enough to deal with that I don't dislike it), but anyone who eats meat should do it themselves a few times so they can't pretend to themselves that nothing unpleasant happens when they buy meat. I haven't killed anything with fur in 30 years, but I'm glad I know what the inside of a pronghorn looks like.

2. Great googly-moogly! This superstitious BS should be enough to DTMFA right there. I'm a rationalist-materialist, so I'm pretty much equally against any religious beliefs, but this drooling new-age crap (and it's close Xtian cousin "prosperity gospel") really drives me up the wall. Negative thoughts do not cause cancer (see Barbara Ehrenreich for more and much better on this) and guns do not "draw" criminals. Maybe you should not tell anyone that you keep guns, so word can't get around to a would-be burglar that your house is a potential place to steal a valuable gun (I don't brag to all my neighbors about my shooting prowess, not that there's much to brag about). Maybe guns are statistically harmful to their owners (I don't know, and don't want to argue about it), since yes, they are dangerous and being near a dangerous thing makes you more likely to be affected by it. Those ideas I could deal with. But the "law" of attraction? It's your right to believe any nonsense you like, but it's also "you're wrong!"

3. Projection, maybe? Just sayin'. Maybe you should get a safe to which only YOU have the combination. Admittedly, my spousal critter has a bit of an anger management problem, and likes to break things occasionally. I don't really think she's likely to mis-use a gun, but I'm not certain it's impossible. It's not the top of my list for not keeping a gun more accessible, but it's on the list! We live in a pretty freaking safe place, so I don't think a ready gun is really worth the risk of accident (more likely) or anger (very, very unlikely). We have to have kitchen knives, but we don't have to have a bedroom gun. OTOH, if SHE (my spouse) wanted the option of a self-defense gun and was willing to develop good shooting skills, I wouldn't try to deny it to her! It's not my place to make that choice for her. Particularly if she had your history and wanted the chance to defend herself if another assault seemed imminent!!! That peace of mind should be worth more than my tiny doubt that she is *perfectly* trustworthy, and if that doubt isn't tiny, again you should DTMFA! That seems like a pretty good litmus test for a partner!

You trust someone with your life every time you let them drive with you in the car, or serve your food or you sleep in a house with them and a sharp knife, so why not with a gun?

Last edited by Buck13; 07-19-2012 at 11:19 PM.. Reason: grammer error
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Old 07-19-2012, 1:41 PM
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This things is that scariest damn thing I have ever seen!!
What, the chipped nail polish or the way it clashes with the blue plastic?
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Old 07-19-2012, 2:52 PM
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Shorter me:

Putting aside for the moment your desire to pursue a fun activity in the only life you'll ever have...It appears that she's putting her fear of YOU ahead of your fear of being attacked. Which of these is founded in Actual Factual Facts?

If she doesn't trust you, why is she married to you?

If she doesn't trust you, why are you married to her?

Last edited by Buck13; 07-19-2012 at 3:12 PM..
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Old 07-19-2012, 5:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HatersLOVEme : )
My Buddy had the same problem with his very closed minded stubborn and controlling Anti gun partner and he was given the very clear ultimatum when they moved in together on the very first week to get rid of all the things that can kill people ( meaning his pistol and rifle left to him by his late father ) .
Quote:
Originally Posted by thrasherfox View Post
Not trying to sound like a bada *****, but I served in the Marine Corps for 10 years and have 30 years of martial arts training. I can easily kill someone with my bare hands. or a kitchen knife, or a pen or pencil etc etc.

So where do you draw the line? anyone can really kill another person with any object of they are threatend enough. anyone can take a pen and thrust it into someones eye as far as it will go.

Anyone can take a skillet and crack it over someones had hard enough to kill them.

Firearms are just one of many ways to take someones life.

Personally if it happened the way it sounds, he had no idea it was coming and she waiting until the first week they moved in together, that is pretty low. that should have been made well know WAY in advance. probably needs to kick her to the curb because obviously she will be controlling and obviously he doesnt know her as well as he thought he did.

Just my .02
trasherfox no offense intended Buddy but did you even read my entire posting start to finish or just the first part of it and then quote it to make your point - since my point was exactly that my friend actually removed everything that could possibly kill someone to prove his very valid point and it was his partner ( another guy not that it matters closed mindedness knows no sex lol ) who threw the anti gun fit - it ended up having a happy ending where they got matching guns - if he had kicked his partner to the curb due to semantics without digging deeper and communicating through it this never would have came to be so you missed my point entirely ... I had hoped this situation would have a similar outcome for Tammy and her families sake hopefully her partner will see the light and realize a gun is a tool like anything else more people die from car accidents each year than guns .
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Old 07-20-2012, 7:44 AM
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I'm in a spot with limited Internet for a bit, so this will be a short post to thank you all, again, for the perspective and the support. I've spent some time talking with my spouse at some length, and also considering carefully my own feelings, desires and goals. I also spent some time talking with a trusted relative (who, being Canadian and not inculcated in gun culture, was able to give me an outsider's perspective on the underlying issues.) Suffice it for now to say that over the next few weeks I'm going to be making some uncomfortable decisions.

Thank you, all who have posted here and all who have PM'd. I'll keep everyone posted as things progress.

Warmly,
Tammy
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Old 07-23-2012, 10:24 AM
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Good luck Tammy. I also use the TLC handle, and had a similar issue with a spouse. Notice the word 'had'. Long story short I after I exercised my Second Amendment rights early this year, it turns out he had a serious problem with it. It wasn't the only problem on Gilligan's Island, but it was the straw that broke the camels back for me. After a big Hell No, I now live at a new address and have a much clearer focus than I have for many, many years.

I'm not recommending this for everyone, but hey, maybe one day I will meet someone who actually likes to blow crap up.
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Old 07-23-2012, 11:48 AM
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Just have her read this thread. It demonstrates you care about and respect her. It also demonstrates pro-gun people are not the stereotypes portrayed.

Just my humble opinion.
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Old 07-29-2012, 7:59 AM
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Now that I'm back home, I can give another update for those following the saga: when I posted my "limited Internet" thing a few posts ago, I was in Vancouver visiting family while my spouse was in Oregon attending a seminar. From the point of clarity that came from being away for a bit, we had a long and difficult discussion, the results of which were as follows: I identified for her all the things in our relationship which aren't working for me, including her intractable stance on the gun issue. I told her that "you may not own a gun" and "I don't want a gun in my house" are non-starters for me in terms of any future for our relationship. I told her that owning and shooting guns is in my future, and that if it isn't in her future, there's no point wasting our time further. I've given her until December to show me significant movement toward a workable place on all of those issues, and told her in no uncertain terms that unless things dramatically improve between now and then, I'm out the door in January.

She professes to really, really not want to break up, so I told her (in front of our family therapist, and in no uncertain terms) that the ball is in her court. So now we'll see what happens. I'm of course going to continue to work on making my side of our relationship work for now, but I'm also making contingency plans.

Thank you again, everyone, for your support and encouragement. Truly I can say that in the gun community, I've found a place where I belong, where I am accepted and cared about and encouraged to grow and learn, both as a shooter and as a person. For the first time in my life, I've found my people. And whatever happens with my spouse, that means everything to me.

Tammy

PS: I'd like to invite people to check out my new blog, http://www.momwithagun.com/ - I'm writing about shooting, personal protection, self defense, etc. Feedback is most welcome.
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Old 07-30-2012, 11:45 AM
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It looks like things are moving along and will work themselves out gradually at this point.
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Old 08-12-2012, 10:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tlcwrites View Post
Now that I'm back home, I can give another update for those following the saga: when I posted my "limited Internet" thing a few posts ago, I was in Vancouver visiting family while my spouse was in Oregon attending a seminar. From the point of clarity that came from being away for a bit, we had a long and difficult discussion, the results of which were as follows: I identified for her all the things in our relationship which aren't working for me, including her intractable stance on the gun issue. I told her that "you may not own a gun" and "I don't want a gun in my house" are non-starters for me in terms of any future for our relationship. I told her that owning and shooting guns is in my future, and that if it isn't in her future, there's no point wasting our time further. I've given her until December to show me significant movement toward a workable place on all of those issues, and told her in no uncertain terms that unless things dramatically improve between now and then, I'm out the door in January.

She professes to really, really not want to break up, so I told her (in front of our family therapist, and in no uncertain terms) that the ball is in her court. So now we'll see what happens. I'm of course going to continue to work on making my side of our relationship work for now, but I'm also making contingency plans.

Thank you again, everyone, for your support and encouragement. Truly I can say that in the gun community, I've found a place where I belong, where I am accepted and cared about and encouraged to grow and learn, both as a shooter and as a person. For the first time in my life, I've found my people. And whatever happens with my spouse, that means everything to me.

Tammy

PS: I'd like to invite people to check out my new blog, http://www.momwithagun.com/ - I'm writing about shooting, personal protection, self defense, etc. Feedback is most welcome.
Good for you Tammy sorry to hear its been such a emotional roller coaster but it sounds like you know what you want and are willing to do the work the right way please hang in there one way or another things will eventually get better hopefully your spouse will be along for the ride and be there when its over
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