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  #1  
Old 05-26-2012, 9:30 AM
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Default Don't ask don't tell

My wife doesn't know the extent of my gun collection. I suspect she believes I have far fewer handguns than I actually do. She is not comfortable with my relatively new hobby, and I see no reason to announce every acquisition. She does know that I belong to a club, that I go to gun shows, that I make ammo runs and that I belong to the NRA. I leave gun magazines (the reading material) in our bathrooms, and cleaning gear out in the garage. The guns I keep in a safe-- which she obviously is aware of-- and she let me get because I paid $300 for a $1,000 safe. She also is unaware of the fact that I keep a loaded .45 in a gun vault in my nightstand. The funny thing is (and i could be way off on this) I think she's passively complicit because she never asks questions about what I buy or how much the club membership is, or how can I spend time on forums and review sites and mags, and not go out and get anything. This is so unlike her. So, it is of my opinion that in our home, we are actively practicing the Don't Ask Don't Tell Policy.

I realize this makes me sound deceptive, and I am uncomfortable with it. We are usually very open with each other about everything else. But I'm wondering, am
I the exception to the rule of transparency with guns and wives? I put the question out there.
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Old 05-26-2012, 9:33 AM
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You said it right the first time. Don't ask don't tell. If she really wanted to know the extent she'd ask. Right?

Haha, if anything try and get her to join you. She probably thinks it's a good outlet and healthy for you and that's the reason why she may be complicit. Hey, you're happy right?
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Old 05-26-2012, 9:36 AM
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Old 05-26-2012, 9:51 AM
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^^^^ lol

My wifey knows what I spend on guns... She doesn't care, in fact she helps!
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Old 05-26-2012, 10:00 AM
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my woman was kind of hesitant and gun shy when I first got into it. Then I took her to the range and she LOVED it. I actually feel bad right now....because I haven't bought her a gun yet LOL....she just uses mine.

I think you should ask her to go to the range, and participate in your other gun related activities. Don't push it on her, just tell her you think she will enjoy it. And TRUST me, woman love to feel the power of a gun in their hands. If you can get her to go to the range just one time, she will be hooked. And then you can buy all the guns you want, without the guilt !
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Old 05-26-2012, 10:02 AM
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Look at it this way.....How many pairs of shoes does your wife own ??? and Do you really even care...??? You know that she has them, but what color are they...??? What are they used for...??? Do you care if she buys any more...??? I bet she thinks the same about your guns...
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Old 05-26-2012, 10:03 AM
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my wife knows everything about my handguns, first off, I only have 4 at the moment, so its not like im hoarding handguns and I have a 30-30 rifle that i bought over 25 years ago...i dont even think i've fired that rifle in over 20 years, it just sits in its gun bag in my closet, don't even have any ammo around the house for it

i have my duty Beretta 92FS, my conceal Beretta .380 Cheetah and my 2 older guns, my collectors, the Browning 9mm Hi-Power and a Stainless Colt King Cobra 4" revolver. She doesn't mind, she's even been shooting with me on several occasions, she just cant stand all the loud noise...my wife is truely the greatest, married with her for almost 7 years now and she is my best friend and im never worried about ever telling her something about my gun ownership...isn't that the way it should be?

my slight gun hobby doesn't deprive us of from anything we need, she surely has more purses and handbags then i have guns lol, so we have a great understanding with each other about our "wants"...i feel blessed to have this lady in my life, she has made me a better man
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Old 05-26-2012, 10:06 AM
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Well said, bullwhip
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Old 05-26-2012, 10:08 AM
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I say tell her & avoid the potential argument when she finds out just how much your "relatively new hobby" costs.
but what the hell do I know, I'm single
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Old 05-26-2012, 10:10 AM
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My wife doesn't care. She also likes to shoot and has a habit of claiming guns she likes.
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Old 05-26-2012, 10:36 AM
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Try and get her into shooting, or at least involved with you while you go shooting.

My wife doesn’t really care for guns because the noise scares her.
She didn’t grow up with them so the ideology that I have supported has been life long, while she is still “getting used to it.”
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:17 AM
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bahahahha!!! I don't have to hide my purchases!!!!!!



Cause I am

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Old 05-26-2012, 11:24 AM
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If your wife is half as smart as mine, she already knows (or at least has a pretty good idea). She just cares more about you, than the guns, as long as it doesn't get out of hand!

Just sayin...
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:35 AM
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it's all about jealousy lol. All women think we are selfish with our "toys". They want us to spend all the money on THEM. But if you buy her a gun, and get her to like guns, then you can keep all the guns you have lol.
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:37 AM
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Be a man and show her your GUNS!!!
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Old 05-26-2012, 12:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ubermcoupe View Post

because the noise scares her.
the wording isn't best. but does this happen to anyone else? when at the range(mostly indoor) my hands will somtimes start to shake while loading a magazine when the person next to me is popping off shots.
it is almost like my adrenaline is pumping, and my heart rate goes crazy.
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Old 05-26-2012, 1:00 PM
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My wife was very anti for a long time. We finally sat down with my Pastor and we talked about how my need to protect my family outweighed her dislike of guns as long as I kept them in a safe manner. So I bought a safe, then another one. She doesn't know how many of what is in them, but she knows they are there.
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Old 05-26-2012, 1:08 PM
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a real woman will support her man no mater what. even better if she joins you, thats why i love mine so much.
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Old 05-26-2012, 1:16 PM
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i am sure she has her own things she likes to buy? shoes, makeup, bags?! and you have your hobby (guns). so its all good if every one is on the same page.
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Old 05-26-2012, 1:24 PM
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Run a cleaning patch through your guns. I bet she knows more than you think.
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  #21  
Old 05-26-2012, 1:27 PM
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I feel like I just read my own biography haha. Don't tell!!
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  #22  
Old 05-26-2012, 1:32 PM
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My Wife knows all about which guns I buy and which guns I am saving for...she is very good at enabling.

Now on the other hand I always find clothes, shoes, purses etc lying around her closet. When I ask she has a standard line..."oh I've had that!" I've used that line too.
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Old 05-26-2012, 1:36 PM
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my wife cared at first so i took her out to the range, bought her a px4 she liked it, and now dosent care how much i spend as or how much time i spend doing my hobby as long as i spend as much if not more time with her.
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Old 05-26-2012, 1:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by capturedlive View Post
I realize this makes me sound deceptive, and I am uncomfortable with it. We are usually very open with each other about everything else.
You can and should still be open about everything, but that doesn't mean you need to itemize the content of your safe(s). Tell her that you have "multiple guns" and that you "occasionally add a gun to your collection." Also, tell her that if she is interested, she is more than welcome to see what's inside the safe(s), just that you are not pushing her to do it or announcing every purchase since you know that she "doesn't care much for guns."

It's important to set the record straight if you want a good relationship. Part of that is understanding that there is still privacy in a relationship which is open for sharing, but is not shared on a regular basis. She needs to take special interest to see what's in the safe, while you have to leave that option always open. Akin to a permanently open invitation for her to go shooting with you and take more interest in the sport.

Just my 2c.
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Old 05-26-2012, 2:37 PM
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I feel similar to the OP. I have a safe, she does not know how many guns are in it and I don't think that she cares. Fortunately my son is working on his rifle shooting merit badge for scouts so now I have a new shooting partner. I am also taking my daughter for a Dad/Daughter handgun class before she leaves us for college this Summer.

I do have a lot of ammo though and I keep it all locked up. My gun safe is almost full though so I don't think I could expand my shooting/collecting hobby very much more without arousing suspicion. I have pretty much everything I want that I can legally own in California, four handguns and twelve long guns (whoops, just picked up my first Mosin! So that makes thirteen!) so other than range fees, my gun hobby can coast almost cost free for the next couple of years.

I now will have college to pay for so it is probably good that I bought all of the guns I wanted before the 2014 long gun registration and I have a good stash of ammo. My wife used to have the combo to the safe but she zoned out one day and left the door open so I changed the lock and have not given her the new combo as I told her that I don't want her serving jail time for something bad happening should one of my kids friends see it and decide to snoop.

She does not know how many guns I have but she seems okay with me taking the kids shooting. I took her trap shooting once and she was good, 18/25 the first time she ever shot a shotgun, I asked her to keep going with me but she doesn't like the noise. Oh well, I tried.
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Old 05-26-2012, 2:46 PM
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You need to get her out shooting....start with a .22 and show her how fun it is, she will be hooked in no time, and then you can do it together.
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Old 05-26-2012, 3:17 PM
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im always open to my SO, becaue i want her try and enjoy the things that i do.

with that said, my gf's dad is a retired cop, she doesnt care that i likr guns, but does wonder about the actual cost of this hobby
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  #28  
Old 05-26-2012, 3:19 PM
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Far be it from me to past judgement on the intricacies of another person's relationship. Let he who is without guilt cast the first stone and all that.

Part of me thinks your wife is ok with your hobby. Using MAN LOGIC, she certainly knows you have guns and if she wanted to know more she would just ask, right? This, of course, has to be ABSOLUTELY wrong. MAN LOGIC is NEVER right when applied to the opposite sex.

So yea, you've clearly got a problem on your hands. MAN LOGIC would dictate that you just sit her down and talk to her straight out. So we know that CAN'T possibly be the right solution either.

You must tread lightly here. Because if she does find out and gets pissed, that would cause a world of trouble in your happy household.

I'm in favor of the, "trying to ge her involved" approach. Ask her to go shooting with you sometime. Or better, enlist the help of a female shooter and get HER to take your wife. Approach it from the standpoint that you have guns in the house (which she already knows), and for safety reasons, it seems prudent that she should at least know how they operate and how to handle them safely since she is going to be around them. She doesn't have to take up the hobby. Just a range session or two to learn the basics.

And I think it will go a long way to orchestrate the right range session. Go out to some private land as opposed to a range with other people so she has privacy. Pack a very nice pic nic lunch and make it a relaxed, social type outing. Bring that other woman/couple along and let the woman take over when it comes time to showing her the ropes. Try to use some reactive fun targets as opposed to just paper. The more fun you can make it, the better the chance that she will, at least, be accepting of it. If she she's it's fun, she'll connect more with why you are into it and be more understanding.

THEN...you can have a talk with her about things. Because I do think you need to come clean on things to a certain extent.
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Old 05-26-2012, 4:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IVC View Post
You can and should still be open about everything, but that doesn't mean you need to itemize the content of your safe(s). Tell her that you have "multiple guns" and that you "occasionally add a gun to your collection." Also, tell her that if she is interested, she is more than welcome to see what's inside the safe(s), just that you are not pushing her to do it or announcing every purchase since you know that she "doesn't care much for guns."

It's important to set the record straight if you want a good relationship. Part of that is understanding that there is still privacy in a relationship which is open for sharing, but is not shared on a regular basis. She needs to take special interest to see what's in the safe, while you have to leave that option always open. Akin to a permanently open invitation for her to go shooting with you and take more interest in the sport.

Just my 2c.
+1 to this. As a disclaimer, OP, I'm just relaying my own experience for you and not passing any judgment. I hope my point of view helps! Just know you're not alone in what you're going through!

My wife is a hardcore liberal. Does not approve of guns in society as a whole. But, as partners for life, we are open about almost every major topic in our lives. She knows I own guns. She doesn't micromanage my collection or openly encourage me to buy more, but she tries with all her heart to understand my desires and accept them as a part of me.

It's more about setting proper expectations and less about getting permission. That philosophy has encouraged us to be open and communicative. I mean, it's not like we discuss our bowel movements in detail, but I feel unafraid to say to her, "Baby, I feel like buying another gun. What do you think about that?"

Then we try to find the middle ground and compromise until we're both happy.
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Old 05-26-2012, 4:42 PM
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Im in the same boat as the op. I have a 'few' guns and 'some' ammo. She knows I go here, I go there but I dont disclose what I am buying. For me its the purchases I dont disclose. I do disclose, shows, gun ranges, gun trips (Barstow), etc.

I always say: "babe, are you kidding me? I've had that" or "Babe, its been there the whole time".

Or: "I traded this for that, I sold this to get that. Its all relative".

She would never get into shooting, I've tried. We have an understanding. I have two hobbies. Spearfishing and shooting. Leave me alone when I need to vent and do either. She does! I am the bread winner so..... Nuff said!
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Old 05-26-2012, 6:23 PM
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Cheaper than a Harley....!!!!
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Old 05-26-2012, 8:24 PM
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Bullwhip55-- Ha! Yeah, I almost went the Harley route a couple of years ago. A lot of guys in the neighborhood around my age had 'em, I was taking a motorcycle safety course and everything. But I also started counting the highway casualties and chickened out. I agree, guns are a lot cheaper.
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Old 05-26-2012, 8:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arkangel View Post
My wifey knows what I spend on guns... She doesn't care, in fact she helps!
I got my GF a M&P 15 for Valentines Day this year . . . I hate sharing. I learned the hard way a few years back to never stop and pick up a gun with her with me. When my XD45 Tactical came in she was with me when I picked it up and we left that day with a XD45 service for her.

Now a days it's her that comes home with new guns for herself
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Old 05-26-2012, 9:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by h0use View Post
i am sure she has her own things she likes to buy? shoes, makeup, bags?! and you have your hobby (guns). so its all good if every one is on the same page.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bullwhip55 View Post
Look at it this way.....How many pairs of shoes does your wife own ??? and Do you really even care...??? You know that she has them, but what color are they...??? What are they used for...??? Do you care if she buys any more...??? I bet she thinks the same about your guns...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ken Woodford View Post
My Wife knows all about which guns I buy and which guns I am saving for...she is very good at enabling. Now on the other hand I always find clothes, shoes, purses etc lying around her closet. When I ask she has a standard line..."oh I've had that!" I've used that line too.
Heh...
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Old 05-26-2012, 11:00 PM
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I had guns before I was married and have picked-up "a few" over the years after we've married---she knows about the safe and knows about "the list" in the safe deposit box just in case---she even goes shooting a few times a year and has "her" pistols---all is well...
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Old 05-27-2012, 8:22 AM
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Take her shooting to an outdoor range or if you can go to some BLM land.

My firend's wife did not like guns. My friend had a beretta 92fs, he finally convinced his wife to go shooting. She shot the beretta and started crying. He thought is new hobby was over. After a few minutes she calmed down, shot a few more rounds, seemed okay. The wife then sees me shooting my Winchester 94 in .30-30. She asks if she can shoot it. Of course I let her. First shot at one hundred yards hits the steel plate. She ends up with the biggest grin on her face. Next words out of her mouth is "I want one"

Moral of story; include the wife, the fiance, the gf and you may end up with a new winchester 94.
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Old 05-27-2012, 9:07 AM
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If you have an understanding wife then I don't see why can't you show or tell. But if your wife understands whenever you purchase a $1000 gun means a $1500 handbag or jewelry for her to even things out... Then you're better off sneaking your guns in.
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Old 05-27-2012, 9:19 AM
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Leaving gun magazines in the bathroom is a good idea. My wife eventually started reading them and occasionally asked me questions after she was done stinking up the jon.

She's in no way into guns or shooting but after being married for 10 years she gets it and thinks it's cool.
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