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Ladies Forum A place for our female Calgunners to discuss, share and interact without the 'excess attention' sometimes found in online forums.

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  #1  
Old 07-13-2012, 8:11 AM
Untamed1972 Untamed1972 is offline
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Default Do 40yo+ women really want/expect to start families at that age?

I have a serious question for you ladies. I frequently meet single or divorced women in the 38 to 40+ year old range who do not have children yet but they want to have children or are looking to start a family or say "I want to have kids someday". at 40? Really? Someday....you're 40....when is that someday supposed to come?

I'm 40 myself, with no kids. The logical part of me easily does the math. If I met someone today and even rushed things, dated and married in a year, got pregnant right away, that adds another year till the first child is born. That puts me at 42. 42 + 5 = 47. Taking kid to first day of kindergarten when i'm 47yo? And that's at the earliest counting from today. At 47 I will be 10yrs shy of retirement. I'm gonna retire when my kid is just starting high-school?

I'm just curious if these women are really serious for the most part or are the just not coming to term with the fact that ship has sailed? Do they expect to find men in their age range 40+ that want to have more kids or start having kids?

I just have to look at them and shake my head and think quietly to myself "You must be insane".

So what say you ladies?
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Old 07-14-2012, 10:02 AM
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yes, there are women at 40 wanting to start families.

i think they are insane.

and i think the guy they marry who wants to start a family at that age is equally insane.

why? you did the math.....and at a certain age it makes more sense to be a grandparent than a parent.

the most important thing is to be upfront re your desires in an adult relationship and steer clear of women that don't share your vision of the future. oh, and keep it wrapped. i had a woman friend that was dating a guy who forgot that and he ended up paying for that moment of forgetfulness for 18 years......his kids were grown and he was having fun playing the dating game with about 8 women at the time. he continued to do so and never married my friend who actually was just trying to trap him as he was a "good" catch. seriously. i say "friend" when she ended up being merely an acquaintence largely due to her not having any moral qualms re this incident.
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Old 07-14-2012, 10:39 AM
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wasn't implying or thinking you "trapped" Bill, LdyApxr.

just relating the experience i had with a so-called friend as a cautionary tale for the OP.

this "friend" also had a good job, had bought a home, had a car, etc. and was in the 40 or so age group. she was more than capable of supporting a child on her own, especially since she had already declared she wanted a baby. the problem is she didn't tell the lover and she really did think he was a good catch and she'd get him. i think she filed for child support out of revenge for his not marrying her. in the end he never did marry her; however, his family did accept the child and had visitation with the little girl as well as including her in on family events and having parties for her. he never really did, though.

T was a good mother. but guys need to think twice before having sex w/o taking responsibility/precautions for themselves. never trust that the woman really is on the pill....or if you've seen the movie Your Sister's Sister, don't trust that the condom your lover shows up with hasn't been tampered with. even unprotected sex with women that are supposedly infertile can result in pregnancy. friends of my parents were declared infertile and so adopted. one year later she was pregnant. they loved both kids equally but infertility is a complicated circumstance and not always accurate.

glad you, Bill, and Riley worked it out to your satisfaction. i'm sure your independent attitude had a lot to do with that.
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Old 07-17-2012, 1:15 PM
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From a guy's perspective...

My father was 50 and my mother was 35 when they had me...and I have a sister who is 2.5 years younger.

I never had any problems with parents that were, most of the time, older than everyone else's. Age is what you make of it and if you want kids, they won't care how old you are when you cart them off the kindergarten or see them off the college. That said, the hard time with it is really now. I'm in my 30's and settling down and my father is in his 80's. There is a very good likelyhood he won't get to see my children and my mother will be close to (if not already) 70 by the time I have them.

I don't want to wait to have children for this reason but I know plenty of women who simply arent ready and are waiting until later in life to have their kids. The biggest benefit is that you're more likely stable in a career and able to take time with your children...or even like my mother...take an early retirement.
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Old 07-20-2012, 9:52 PM
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Ummm my aunt is 50, a widow, her husband died to mel cancer. Her oldest son died in a car accident coming home from a late night job when retarded greaser boys drag racing a mustang and a nova slammed into his little civic, stock and driving normal, on his green light, they were going far to fast to stop and thought theyd just run a stop light.

Anyways, shed been devastated. Withdrawn. That was 3 years ago, a year after, she entertained thoughts of maybe dating...never happened. And just a few months ago, she adopted a little 7 yo asian girl lol. And by accident a few WEEKS ago, ran into her first bf from the east coast when she was in junior high...

They reconnected, and since he was a widower himself, no kids. Oddly its been perfect for her. If you didnt know the girl was adopted youd think they were a family that was made, rather then assembled now...but still. Little girl calls her mommy, and the love is beautifully amazing. Age honestly, has nothing to do with it...

My aunt is a Dr, at a local hospital, has a great income, her bf was a nurse when he was younger, but now is a pharma at local drug store, both super stable. And aunts thinking of getting for little girl and adding to her family, a chesapeake retriever.

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Old 07-20-2012, 10:21 PM
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Women who are over 40 should not be making children. Given the elevated risk of Down's and other birth defects (not to mention other pregnancy complications), it's a selfish and dangerous move. Either adopt or reproduce when it's still healthy to do so. The same applies to men.

Finding love? That's a different matter entirely.

Last edited by QQQ; 07-20-2012 at 10:26 PM..
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Old 07-21-2012, 7:34 AM
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QQQ, thread is not about "should" but are women really serious about having kids after 40....and the answer is yes many women are. as a woman i think they're crazy but then i have guns and many women think i'm crazy.
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Old 07-21-2012, 7:57 AM
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Male here. I did a.job in a fertility clinic and there was a woman patient who must.have been 70. There is no way she.was under 55.
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Old 07-21-2012, 8:26 AM
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Had both my sons with my wife and I both near 40 (+\- 2 years). It's been perfect! Plenty of money, large house, great stability. Definitely wouldn't have been nearly as rewarding if I were much younger. IMHO.

Last edited by RileyBean; 07-21-2012 at 8:29 AM..
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Old 07-21-2012, 10:01 AM
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It's tough. I had 2 kids in my 20's and 2 around 40yr. Big difference. Yes, more mature. More stabile. But, not as much energy. Although, wife is much younger and keeps up with them, I on the other hand struggle. I also agree, if I make it to 80yrs old as my grandparents have, that puts my youngest in his 40's. Still a full life ahead I will miss out on vs my older kids who will be in their 60's. So, waiting, I personally feel has it's disadvantages.
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Old 07-21-2012, 5:17 PM
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To the OP - yes there are many woman who want children even though they are 40's. Some because they wanted the picture perfect house, husband etc and it didn't materialize that way. Others wanted to wait and now their biological clock is ticking. If you do not want children, just be forward about that fact and keep yourself from having children (yes, accidents sometimes happen but can mostly be avoided).

I work in a field where I see many older women having kids, for many different reasons. It happens fairly often.
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Old 07-26-2012, 8:08 AM
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Thanks for the input ladies. Sorry I didn't respond sooner, forgot to check back here after I posted this.
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Old 07-26-2012, 8:19 AM
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Originally Posted by RileyBean View Post
Had both my sons with my wife and I both near 40 (+\- 2 years). It's been perfect! Plenty of money, large house, great stability. Definitely wouldn't have been nearly as rewarding if I were much younger. IMHO.

I think it would be one thing to consider having kids at 40 if you'd already been married for awhile.

But if you're 40+ and single and still looking for a relationship with the intent of having kids....I think that's chasing a dying or dead dream.

In the last 10yrs I've dated women who have kids already (and many do not want anymore) but that never really worked out for me either. And I've tried many variations, ie number of kids, ages of kids, father's involvement, etc. None of it really seemed to work out. There was always some kinda "ex drama", being "the other guy" sucks too. It always felt like "stepping into someone elses life already in progress".

Might just hafta wait a few more years till some of those Moms' kids are old enough that they're are out of the house. I dunno, just a sucky age to be single I guess. I've met alot of otherwise great women, but that issue always seems to get in the way.

Guess that's the price a pay for making a bad choice the first time around in my 20's.
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Old 07-26-2012, 8:38 AM
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unfair? who said life was fair?....certainly not my mother!

i call it being clear about your own responsibilities and what you were willing and not willing to deal with. i call it making a mature, adult decision. i call it making sure you didn't set yourself up for failure. more should be so honest with themselves and with their potential partners.
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Old 07-26-2012, 9:02 AM
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I'm gonna step out on a limb here and admit that when I was a single mom with my oldest son(he's 23 now), his father was never in the picture and to this day even though he lives in the town that all of my family live in 2hrs away, Josh has never met him and does not want to. But I will admit that I was really biased about dating guys who had kids. I didn't want THEIR drama. I didn't have drama and did not need any from a guy with an ex and kids. Unfair? Sure, but that is just how I am.
I've met women like that too and generally thought they were pretty hypocritical and just walked away. But it was usually because they had a boat load of ex drama of their own they expected the guy to suck up but didn't wanna return the favor.

It was rare to meet single mom's where dad was totally outta the picture. Usually he was around but just a dirtbag trouble maker. The couple mom's I most seriously pursued were one's who one young child with no dad in the picture. My fear always was one day dad would decide to show up and insist on being in the picture and start making trouble tho.

To this day my "One that got away" that I still kick myself about was a single mom, with one young daughter at the time. But she lived a couple hours away (met while I was traveling for work) and because of shared custody issues she would have never been able to move, and my job isn't portable to where she was.
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Old 07-26-2012, 9:06 AM
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Had our kids in our early and mid-30's. Can't imagine starting out at 40, it would kill me.

Also parenting these days isn't the same as it was in the good old days. Too many products, too much advice, too much BS and most of the other preschool and elementary parents I think are idiots but then I live in the bay area so I guess it's kind of stacked like that here.
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Old 08-20-2012, 2:45 PM
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As someone just getting back into the single scene, if the 'kid' meaning the other person has kids at home subject comes up, I simply move on down the line. Because to be honest, I have truly done my time at this age, and don't need to do it again. I'm totally cool with people with kids, especially kids that are grown up or nearly grown up. But if they have little kids or kids that need them, they should be there for their kids, not looking for a future Mrs. Ex. As for wanting kids after 40+ hell no.

I don't really like my sleep interrupted by feverish babies... now other interruptions sometimes that's nice...
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Old 08-20-2012, 2:54 PM
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I don't, thought of this. And look it has Tim Curry in it!
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Old 08-20-2012, 2:54 PM
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Another thing to ponder. My wife's friend had a kid late in life. He has autism. Went to a bday party for him that had mostly autistic kids. All of the mothers were older too. Seems to me the older u are the more likely you are gunna have a kid with some sort of retardation.
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Old 08-20-2012, 3:08 PM
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Another thing to ponder. My wife's friend had a kid late in life. He has autism. Went to a bday party for him that had mostly autistic kids. All of the mothers were older too. Seems to me the older u are the more likely you are gunna have a kid with some sort of retardation.
The older women get, the more risk there is of a variety of things. There's loads of research and information on it, but folks want what they want and damn the consequences.

I say you're best off having kids young, you have the energy.
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Old 08-20-2012, 8:41 PM
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My wife and i are actively trying and she is 42. I am 36. She has a 15 year old from a previous marriage who is now my daughter. We are all excited about it.

Neither of us see any issues with it
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Old 08-21-2012, 5:44 AM
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My wife and i are actively trying and she is 42. I am 36. She has a 15 year old from a previous marriage who is now my daughter. We are all excited about it.

Neither of us see any issues with it
Wow how selfish.
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Old 08-26-2012, 1:12 PM
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yes, there are women at 40 wanting to start families.

i think they are insane.

and i think the guy they marry who wants to start a family at that age is equally insane.

why? you did the math.....and at a certain age it makes more sense to be a grandparent than a parent.

I TOTALLY disagree! i dont kno where you get all that from! i personally think some of the BEST parents are the ones who actually waited to have children until they were mature and financially stable! some of us are just not ready at 21 to be having babies. And if i am going to live into my 70's or 80's unless i get hit by a bus or something then that should be more than long enough!

i would rather be 40 and set in my career where i have money saved up enough to buy that baby the better things in life, and to where i am in management and not just a worker so i can take that time off to pick up my baby from school or be there when he/she is sick etc., and not be sticking him in daycare all the time because i have NO control over my schedule.
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Old 08-26-2012, 1:18 PM
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where i am in management and not just a worker so i can take that time off to pick up my baby from school or be there when he/she is sick etc., and not be sticking him in daycare all the time because i have NO control over my schedule.
Aside from your other points, which I don't disagree too much and it's your life to live (plenty of people are having kids later in life than in their 20's), this part I quoted struck me.

I don't know what industry you might thinking of, but "management" doesn't mean less time or demands, but it often means more time demands. What do you think you will be "managing"? Daycare will be a norm in most scenarios like you elude to, unless you have a stay-at-home husband. I am not sure where you got this idea, but I want to alert to it.
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Old 08-26-2012, 1:24 PM
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Aside from your other points, which I don't disagree too much and it's your life to live (plenty of people are having kids later in life than in their 20's), this part I quoted struck me.

I don't know what industry you might thinking of, but "management" doesn't mean less time or demands, but it often means more time demands. What do you think you will be "managing"? Daycare will be a norm in most scenarios like you elude to, unless you have a stay-at-home husband. I am not sure where you got this idea, but I want to alert to it.
i am not talking about 'less' hours im talking about more control of your schedule. i have some older gf's that are management so they can come and go how they want a LOT easier than someone my age. they dont have that boss over their shoulder expecting them to work x hours. I have been told SOO many times by girls to just wait until i have proven myself (and getting promotion to manager is a good signal of that) to where the boss wants to know that i am completing my task and not working those hours. I think if you cannot be a stay at home mom, then that is WAY better.
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Old 08-26-2012, 1:36 PM
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yes, there are women at 40 wanting to start families.

i think they are insane.

and i think the guy they marry who wants to start a family at that age is equally insane.

why? you did the math.....and at a certain age it makes more sense to be a grandparent than a parent.
Some of us wanted to have established lives\careers and be financially\emotionally stable before getting into having kids rather than being young reckless and ending up single parents. Everyone has their own thoughts on how this thing called "life" works.

I'll be retiring the year my oldest graduates from HS and 62 when his brother graduates. I did the math, and its just numbers.
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Old 08-26-2012, 2:05 PM
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glad it worked for you, bill.
just 'cause i think its insane, doesn't mean it doesn't work for others.

the OP was asking women if it really was a desire by some women at age 40.
my response as a female respondant stands: yes, there are women wanting to do that....but i think they are insane. doesn't make me right, doesn't make wrong....just means i stated my opinion.

but in the end it is what each individual and then each couple wants. there really is no right or wrong. and you are right that numbers are just numbers.

the OP expressed he has no desire to start a family. he's clear about it for himself after running the numbers. now he needs to date women who've come to the same conclusion as he has....

heck, i've also known women that established their careers but didn't have an SO/husband so they went the single parent route on their own. i think they're crazy, too.....but its not me, is it? and they're doing fine.
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Old 08-26-2012, 2:33 PM
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The clock is ticking !!!!!!!! Being a parent is interesting. I became a parent a 37 and it has been great but if I was a parent at 19 then when the kids were 21 I would be 40 And maybe be a young grandparent ? But shoulda, coulda, woulda doesn't count.
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Old 08-26-2012, 3:26 PM
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Women who are over 40 should not be making children. Given the elevated risk of Down's and other birth defects (not to mention other pregnancy complications), it's a selfish and dangerous move. Either adopt or reproduce when it's still healthy to do so. The same applies to men.

Finding love? That's a different matter entirely.

This is how I feel about it.

I'm 31 years old right now. I have an IUD in. This particular one needs to be out 5 years after it's put in(hormonal).

If by the time I have this thing removed I have not decided to have children(I'll be 35) I will be getting the surgery done and I will adopt later if I *do* decide to have kids. I refuse to have them that late.

I've been fighting this decision with my family for a decade now. Mom wanted me to have kids, my sister had two and it took until this past year for my mother to finally admit to me that me not having kids was the best decision I made. I told her it's not over yet, but she's adamant that not popping out kids with different fathers and not being married or whatever is not better than not having kids. My sister's two sons are by two different fathers and she's never been married. Mom's stuck with her oldest all the time and the younger was put up for adoption during her pregnancy, adopted at birth.

Only reason we're even *thinking* about the remote possibility right now is because my partner is 24. He might want kids in the next few years. He's also the last male on his father's side with the death of his cousin last year.

We'll see. I don't expect people to push having kids way early when they aren't ready for them, but I honestly think 40 is a bit too old to start planning a pregnancy.

Just my 2cp
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Old 08-26-2012, 3:42 PM
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If by the time I have this thing removed I have not decided to have children(I'll be 35) I will be getting the surgery done and I will adopt later if I *do* decide to have kids. I refuse to have them that late. I've been fighting this decision with my family for a decade now...
Tubal ligation is really minimally invasive, I had mine done 7 years ago (at 25) and it was an outpatient surgery. I took that day off work (surgery at 7AM) and was back at work the following day without taking any of the painkillers prescribed, just Aleve.

Regarding the family, one option is also just not to inform them whether you decide to get sterilized or not, just tell them you don't plan to have children "yet" since it isn't really their business. If more kids in the family is that high on their priority list, they can birth and raise them.

Or, (but I haven't really looked into it), I hear you can freeze eggs now. If you're on the fence you might be able to freeze some while you're young and in vitro fertilize your own eggs into yourself later. IVF is expensive and requires multiple attempts for a likely success, but if you think you might decide later that you need children with your own genes that is another way to go.
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Old 08-26-2012, 4:00 PM
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Tubal ligation is really minimally invasive, I had mine done 7 years ago (at 25) and it was an outpatient surgery. I took that day off work (surgery at 7AM) and was back at work the following day without taking any of the painkillers prescribed, just Aleve.

Regarding the family, one option is also just not to inform them whether you decide to get sterilized or not, just tell them you don't plan to have children "yet" since it isn't really their business. If more kids in the family is that high on their priority list, they can birth and raise them.

Or, (but I haven't really looked into it), I hear you can freeze eggs now. If you're on the fence you might be able to freeze some while you're young and in vitro fertilize your own eggs into yourself later. IVF is expensive and requires multiple attempts for a likely success, but if you think you might decide later that you need children with your own genes that is another way to go.
My mom was on my case since my first marriage(19 years old) "when are you gonna have kids? I wanna be a grandma" and up until I divorced him. I moved to the West Coast and it died down a bit when I was 27.

I'd planned on a tubal when I was 21 or 22 but the insurance didn't want to pay for it because I was "too young" unless there was some medical issue like gross deformity or a genetic issue that I didn't want to pass on or had AIDS or something. Typically doctors back home don't like doing them on anyone under the age of 30 that hasn't had at least 2 kids yet. /rolleyes

Egg freezing is an idea for those younger than I I'd think. Just remember that cells can rupture while frozen and it might not be 100% possible to use them.

I have no regrets, personally, and ultimately it's everyone's decision to make on their own with this one, but we all have opinions.
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Old 08-26-2012, 4:04 PM
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I'm not interested in having kids past 30, but I ain't going to fault someone for trying. Having my daughter is the best thing that has happened for me. If people can support their kids then more power to them.
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Old 08-26-2012, 4:07 PM
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I'd planned on a tubal when I was 21 or 22 but the insurance didn't want to pay for it because I was "too young" unless there was some medical issue like gross deformity or a genetic issue that I didn't want to pass on or had AIDS or something. Typically doctors back home don't like doing them on anyone under the age of 30 that hasn't had at least 2 kids yet.
Gotcha, wasn't a problem with my insurance or with doctors out here -- I grew up in North Carolina, and I'm sure it would have been almost impossible there, unless I went to Planned Parenthood or something and paid out of pocket. It didn't even come up with insurance, but maybe they were just thanking their lucky stars it would spare them on paying for prenatal and obstetrics, which can be much pricier. In California there are laws regarding health providers discriminating on sterilizations based on age, number of prior children, etc. That probably made it easier since my doc was trying to persuade me not to since I might change my mind -- I can't exactly blame him, given the way medical liability works these days. I have to wonder whether he'd have been trying to persuade me not to have kids in case I changed my mind; what, would I be able to give them back?
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Old 08-26-2012, 7:12 PM
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Old 08-26-2012, 7:17 PM
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I asked for a tubal after my oldest son was born. I KNEW I did not want any more kids and I was told that my insurance wouldn't pay for it because I was too young and may change my mind(I was 20).
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Old 08-26-2012, 7:31 PM
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My grandmother had 5 kids, the 5th was born 25 years after the 1st one. She was in her 40's and my uncle(#5) sure seems retarded. My cousin waited until she was 42 to start a family, both of her kids are autistic. I think age is a definite factor in the health of the child.
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Old 08-26-2012, 8:39 PM
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My grandmother had 5 kids, the 5th was born 25 years after the 1st one. She was in her 40's and my uncle(#5) sure seems retarded. My cousin waited until she was 42 to start a family, both of her kids are autistic. I think age is a definite factor in the health of the child.
All of the studies I've seen have found evidence to suggest this, but it's ultimately up to the couple if they want to risk it or not.

Way I look at it is this: You're a woman. You have two ovaries. Those two ovaries contain every single egg you'll ever develop in your entire life. Only a few hundred of these ever actually mature. As you get older, cells start breaking down. Older you are, the higher potential for your eggs to be damaged. Damaged egg can result in birth defects or mental retardation.

I personally wouldn't risk it, but others would. It's subjective.
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Old 08-26-2012, 8:45 PM
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I asked for a tubal after my oldest son was born. I KNEW I did not want any more kids and I was told that my insurance wouldn't pay for it because I was too young and may change my mind(I was 20).
This is precisely what I was told.

I have certain things that run in my family, such as mental disorders that have a tendency of being familial, and I'd rather not risk passing that gene on to a kid that I'd be incapable of handling. In short, with my unstable lifestyle, I'd be a terrible mother. The child would be a burden on the state.

I was in Pennsylvania at the time as well. Things may work out later but eh. In the meantime, as I said, I have no regrets. Adoption is a possibility. And I look at that this way: Kid born, gave up for whatever reason, needs a chance to become a civil adult and not a statistic. Adopt that kid, give him a chance, statistic removed.
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Old 08-26-2012, 9:08 PM
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age of the father is important:

http://articles.latimes.com/2001/jul/23/health/he-25555

perhaps more important than the age of the mother.
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Old 08-26-2012, 9:21 PM
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age of the father is important:

http://articles.latimes.com/2001/jul/23/health/he-25555

perhaps more important than the age of the mother.
That is pretty interesting. My son's father was 44yrs old when I got pregnant. His younger brother was diagnosed paranoid psychotic. That alone was reason enough for my son's father to never want children. He does not have it but it is in the family. Our son though is just fine do far but it still upsets his dad that at some point he may turn out like his uncle.
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