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  #1  
Old 07-26-2012, 9:28 AM
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Default Advice please ladies

I don't normally post personal info on the interwebz but need to vent and get opinions. Fiance of 5 years is confusing me lol. Here is the break down as simple and short as I think possible.

- We met and moved fast, living together in three months and discussed and had w child within a year.

- Proposed she said yes and we still aren't married.

- She started to not trust me due to a text I received at 2 am from an ex stating that she missed me. (She went through my phone while I was asleep)

- Moved past that and decided to buy a house together.

- Talked and decided to have another child.

- Buddy played a prank on me with my email that caused more trust issues (has my email account info ).

- Broke up and go back together.

- She is now texting and lying about a friend whom is a guy (she won't allow opposite sex friends yet she is doing it. )

- States she is no longer IN love with me and doesn't fell she can ever trust me and has no interest in me at all anymore.

More info: We each have a child from previous relationship, I take hers as my own, she can't stand mine and has verbally stated so.

I am the cook, maid, babysitter 95% of the time. We do everything the fiance wants, including time with her family and not so much mine. I would not cheat and never had, nor have the available time.

So now we are at the fact that she doesn't love me, but comfortable with me around financially and not sure if she can or will be the same with me.

I am also worried about leaving as I can't imagine her or my kids struggling money wise. But if I continue to put in financially what I am now, I won't be able to survive on my own.

Advice from you ladies please, do I stay and make changes to try to rekindle love and rebuild trust or do I split. And if I do go, what's fair financially? I bring about $1500 into her account for bills. The rest is mine. But not enough I think to support myself.
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Originally Posted by bulgron View Post
(For the record, I think my grandchildren will be retired and moved to AZ before shall-issue CCW comes to this screwed up state... and my kids are still currently young teenagers.)
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Originally Posted by hoffmang View Post
Wow. I'd work harder to stop the underage sex in your family

-Gene
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  #2  
Old 07-26-2012, 9:45 AM
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Ok, I am going to be blunt here(because I don't know any other way lol) but get the Hell out now! Seriously, I have been with my husband for 15yrs(married 10) and I have a son and we have a son together. I would NEVER think to go through my husband's phone or email and he is the same way. We have 7 computers in this house. They are strictly mine, his or our sons. We don't use each others computers.

As for what it fair financially? Go to family court, they will take in all information and will probably send you to mediation to hammer out a support agreement. Don't make any offers of money to her, let the courts handle it.

This woman sounds like a Control Freak and staying for the sake of "what will happen to the kids" is a BAD idea. I know, I've been there with my own parents and they were better apart and were great parents but together? No, my siblings and I all saw what was going on and it can get pretty ugly.
I appreciate the very honest reply. She will not let it go to court though as she didn't even want support from a non existing parent for her child.

I don't know if my own childhood or values is what's keeping me but I have the mentality of I'll go through hell and back for my kids. Even if it is dealing with my fiance lol.

What's funny is she states she always trusted me until my ex texted. Lol, yet she got my phone while I was sleeping. That doesn't sound trusting. Or how is it trusting that when I tell her nothing was going on I wasn't believed.

Thanks again.

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Originally Posted by bulgron View Post
(For the record, I think my grandchildren will be retired and moved to AZ before shall-issue CCW comes to this screwed up state... and my kids are still currently young teenagers.)
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Originally Posted by hoffmang View Post
Wow. I'd work harder to stop the underage sex in your family

-Gene
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  #3  
Old 07-26-2012, 11:00 AM
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Originally Posted by teh.killer.of.zombies View Post
I don't know if my own childhood or values is what's keeping me but I have the mentality of I'll go through hell and back for my kids. Even if it is dealing with my fiance lol.
And trust me, the kids will know something is wrong.

To be blunt:

It doesn't seem like you're getting much out of this relationship other than your children.

The level of distrust based on one text from an Ex, seems excessive. The prank by your friend would be explainable by your friend. So, it seems that she was looking for an excuse.

Truly, if you're concerned, you could set it up as roommates. But, you would need to have clearly defined rules and spaces. That way you would know that your children are cared for and you would still be with them. This situation will be hard for you if you still have romantic feelings for her.
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Old 07-26-2012, 11:30 AM
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And trust me, the kids will know something is wrong.

To be blunt:

It doesn't seem like you're getting much out of this relationship other than your children.

The level of distrust based on one text from an Ex, seems excessive. The prank by your friend would be explainable by your friend. So, it seems that she was looking for an excuse.

Truly, if you're concerned, you could set it up as roommates. But, you would need to have clearly defined rules and spaces. That way you would know that your children are cared for and you would still be with them. This situation will be hard for you if you still have romantic feelings for her.

Agreed. If there is one thing that I despise it's hypocrasy. I have had women try and pull that on me and I drop them faster than a hot rock 9obviously didn't have kids with them). There is no reasoning with someone who can self-justify outright hypocrasy, you're dealing with someone who is truly delusional.

But you're (the OP) now deep into what I call "the business of life", the practical concerns, money/finances, housing, kids, basic survival, etc. Trying to make that all work with someone you dont get along with is gonna suck no matter what. Best you can do is try to protect yourself as much as possible while meeting your obligations to your kids.
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  #5  
Old 07-26-2012, 11:41 AM
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And trust me, the kids will know something is wrong.

To be blunt:

It doesn't seem like you're getting much out of this relationship other than your children.

The level of distrust based on one text from an Ex, seems excessive. The prank by your friend would be explainable by your friend. So, it seems that she was looking for an excuse.

Truly, if you're concerned, you could set it up as roommates. But, you would need to have clearly defined rules and spaces. That way you would know that your children are cared for and you would still be with them. This situation will be hard for you if you still have romantic feelings for her.
Thank you as well. Well during a break up period I did stay living on the couch. This didn't work too well as obviously for me there is still romantic feelings. Also the lack of privacy for myself at the time. Plus she would still go through my phone or ask who it was I was texting and what not.

I feel she is completely lost. I have been hoping the jumping through hoops and following her requests and MAKING it OBVIOUS that there is no cheating or reason for distrust, that the trust will be renewed. But alas I feel she has never trusted in her life lol. I've been accused of sleeping with her mother (who watches our kids) if it takes me longer than normal to pick kids up.

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Originally Posted by bulgron View Post
(For the record, I think my grandchildren will be retired and moved to AZ before shall-issue CCW comes to this screwed up state... and my kids are still currently young teenagers.)
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Originally Posted by hoffmang View Post
Wow. I'd work harder to stop the underage sex in your family

-Gene
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  #6  
Old 07-26-2012, 11:42 AM
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Agreed. If there is one thing that I despise it's hypocrasy. I have had women try and pull that on me and I drop them faster than a hot rock 9obviously didn't have kids with them). There is no reasoning with someone who can self-justify outright hypocrasy, you're dealing with someone who is truly delusional.

But you're (the OP) now deep into what I call "the business of life", the practical concerns, money/finances, housing, kids, basic survival, etc. Trying to make that all work with someone you dont get along with is gonna suck no matter what. Best you can do is try to protect yourself as much as possible while meeting your obligations to your kids.
You're absolutely right. It is just hard on my mind. I feel if I walk away from this relationship that I have let my kids down. I'd rather her just plain outright kick me out.

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Originally Posted by bulgron View Post
(For the record, I think my grandchildren will be retired and moved to AZ before shall-issue CCW comes to this screwed up state... and my kids are still currently young teenagers.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by hoffmang View Post
Wow. I'd work harder to stop the underage sex in your family

-Gene
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  #7  
Old 07-26-2012, 12:08 PM
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Originally Posted by teh.killer.of.zombies View Post
You're absolutely right. It is just hard on my mind. I feel if I walk away from this relationship that I have let my kids down. I'd rather her just plain outright kick me out.

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But what sort of example is being set for the kids if you stay? so you get your own place, and do the shared custody thing, and let see wht dad looks like when he's sane, and well rested, and they're not feeling the constant tension between Mom & Dad.

The whole "sleeping with her mother" thing.....she seriously might need some profession help. And I'm not kidding here...That kinda stuff (unless her mom has shagged her BFs in the past) is like scizo/bi-polar paranoia type stuff. Which if thats the case.....you're playin' a game you will never ever win.

I've personally known a couple of men who have dealt with clinically bi-polar women and it's a losing game, and what you describe sounds VERY eerily familiar.
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Old 07-26-2012, 12:30 PM
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Originally Posted by teh.killer.of.zombies View Post
Thank you as well. Well during a break up period I did stay living on the couch. This didn't work too well as obviously for me there is still romantic feelings. Also the lack of privacy for myself at the time. Plus she would still go through my phone or ask who it was I was texting and what not.
That would be part of the clearly defined rules and spaces thing. Separate bedrooms and private space. Your cell phone and computer off limits.

Quote:
I feel she is completely lost. I have been hoping the jumping through hoops and following her requests and MAKING it OBVIOUS that there is no cheating or reason for distrust, that the trust will be renewed. But alas I feel she has never trusted in her life lol. I've been accused of sleeping with her mother (who watches our kids) if it takes me longer than normal to pick kids up.
Yeah, there's a pathology going on here that is beyond what a text message from an ex would bring up. You're not going to earn her trust and quite frankly she needs to work on her extreme insecurity. And not to breed even more dissent, but when someone reacts that strongly, firing off wild accusations...it usually means they're hiding a guilty conscience.
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Old 07-26-2012, 12:42 PM
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Why has the Ladies forum turned into a Men's Advice forum?

Do women have some kind of special knowledge regarding relationships?

OP, your woman has your balls and you know it. You're letting yourself be played. You need to see a psychotherapist more than you need to ask a bunch of strangers for advice. Because most likely, the next relationship you have will be just a repeat of this one. If you want to stop this pattern, seek professional help.
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Old 07-26-2012, 12:45 PM
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But what sort of example is being set for the kids if you stay? so you get your own place, and do the shared custody thing, and let see wht dad looks like when he's sane, and well rested, and they're not feeling the constant tension between Mom & Dad.

The whole "sleeping with her mother" thing.....she seriously might need some profession help. And I'm not kidding here...That kinda stuff (unless her mom has shagged her BFs in the past) is like scizo/bi-polar paranoia type stuff. Which if thats the case.....you're playin' a game you will never ever win.

I've personally known a couple of men who have dealt with clinically bi-polar women and it's a losing game, and what you describe sounds VERY eerily familiar.

exactly what i would have written if it wasn't done already: your kids will learn that this is how they are to be in a relationship. you're not doing them a favor.
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Old 07-26-2012, 12:55 PM
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Hush! Don't share the secret of the sisterhood!
What sisterhood?

You mean gossip? Yeah, we're good at that. Fo' sure.

The OP wants advice and he's giving us a one-sided story that reveals waaay to much about his character. He's the kinda guy most of us women wouldn't want to be with. We want a strong man, a guy who won't put up with our BS, who won't let us treat him like dirt.

What his woman of five years has been doing to him is not what most of us women would have done to our men in one week. Heck, we wouldn't even think of playing these kinds of games. Bleh.
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Old 07-26-2012, 1:38 PM
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What sisterhood?

You mean gossip? Yeah, we're good at that. Fo' sure.

The OP wants advice and he's giving us a one-sided story that reveals waaay to much about his character. He's the kinda guy most of us women wouldn't want to be with. We want a strong man, a guy who won't put up with our BS, who won't let us treat him like dirt.

What his woman of five years has been doing to him is not what most of us women would have done to our men in one week. Heck, we wouldn't even think of playing these kinds of games. Bleh.
Well this works as well. Let me say I did not have a male role model or father figure growing up. So I never was raised in this sense. I was told by my fiances step dad that this was true as well.

So that's why I am asking. Would you feel its to late to change her mindset? By becoming the alpha of the relationship? See I have tries once but very lightly. She was raised to be strong and show no emotion. That a guy will not provide anything for her that she cannot do on her own. Her mother has never told her " I love you ". She has expressed she feels like a dude and its hard for her to talk or for her to be sensitive to the issue.

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Originally Posted by bulgron View Post
(For the record, I think my grandchildren will be retired and moved to AZ before shall-issue CCW comes to this screwed up state... and my kids are still currently young teenagers.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by hoffmang View Post
Wow. I'd work harder to stop the underage sex in your family

-Gene
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Old 07-26-2012, 1:45 PM
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I think its time for you to jump ship honestly. I'm not a female but this came up in recent posts. But it seems like space may be your friend. Get your own place and be a father to your kids rather then putting up with that and having it get worse for your children.
Just my 0.02
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Old 07-26-2012, 1:48 PM
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Get out of there dude, My sister is the exact same way, and she has made plenty of men miserable! I've seen her make grown men cry like a baby.
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Old 07-26-2012, 2:04 PM
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Well this works as well. Let me say I did not have a male role model or father figure growing up. So I never was raised in this sense. I was told by my fiances step dad that this was true as well.

So that's why I am asking. Would you feel its to late to change her mindset? By becoming the alpha of the relationship? See I have tries once but very lightly. She was raised to be strong and show no emotion. That a guy will not provide anything for her that she cannot do on her own. Her mother has never told her " I love you ". She has expressed she feels like a dude and its hard for her to talk or for her to be sensitive to the issue.
You're not qualified to fix her issues and deciding to change the power structure without her consent, after 5 years isn't going to work.

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In our marriage, there is no Alpha. There shouldn't be one.
I strongly disagree with this. Every relationship is different. Truly, it's about finding what works for you.

No relationship is perfectly 50/50 and absolute equals. Relationships are like puzzle pieces, the voids in one piece are filled in by the matching piece.
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Old 07-26-2012, 2:31 PM
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Well this works as well. Let me say I did not have a male role model or father figure growing up. So I never was raised in this sense. I was told by my fiances step dad that this was true as well.

So that's why I am asking. Would you feel its to late to change her mindset? By becoming the alpha of the relationship? See I have tries once but very lightly. She was raised to be strong and show no emotion. That a guy will not provide anything for her that she cannot do on her own. Her mother has never told her " I love you ". She has expressed she feels like a dude and its hard for her to talk or for her to be sensitive to the issue.
My parents never said I love you to me either. The only physical memories I have of my childhood are of them hurting me -- emotionally and physically. And more than once Mom said to me, You should have been born a boy. And you know what? I never once used my lousy childhood as an excuse to hurt the men in my life.

For people like us, talking with professional therapists helps. You need it. She needs it. Go together or go separately. But get some. And stop using her excuses to excuse her crummy, unloving behavior towards you. You have a brain and a loving heart. Remember that.

EDIT: Don't know if you read fiction, but if you do Maugham's "Of Human Bondage" (1915) might give you some insight.
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Last edited by masameet; 07-26-2012 at 2:42 PM..
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Old 07-26-2012, 2:57 PM
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Originally Posted by teh.killer.of.zombies View Post
Well this works as well. Let me say I did not have a male role model or father figure growing up. So I never was raised in this sense. I was told by my fiances step dad that this was true as well.

So that's why I am asking. Would you feel its to late to change her mindset? By becoming the alpha of the relationship? See I have tries once but very lightly. She was raised to be strong and show no emotion. That a guy will not provide anything for her that she cannot do on her own. Her mother has never told her " I love you ". She has expressed she feels like a dude and its hard for her to talk or for her to be sensitive to the issue.

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You cannot change other people....only yourself. Standing up for yourself and being a man is something you do for yourself, not to try and change someone else.

It comes down to deciding for yourself how you deserve to be treated. If you're not getting what you need or want and there is no hope that you will. The choice is fairly simple.

But from what you described of her, there is no changing that.....unless she has some epiphany on her own and decides to seek help for herself.
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Old 07-26-2012, 3:33 PM
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You cannot change other people....only yourself. Standing up for yourself and being a man is something you do for yourself, not to try and change someone else.

It comes down to deciding for yourself how you deserve to be treated. If you're not getting what you need or want and there is no hope that you will. The choice is fairly simple.

But from what you described of her, there is no changing that.....unless she has some epiphany on her own and decides to seek help for herself.

and again says exactly what i would have written.


before you try and change someone else, remember how hard it is to change yourself. only she can decide if she needs to change and do the work to "make it so". after 5 years, well, change is not impossible but it is improbable. at least she's been upfront with you so now its up to you to make your decisions.

for a relationship it takes two people to make it work. at this point and according to what you've told us, you're the only one doing that work.
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Old 07-26-2012, 5:58 PM
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If you are even reading all of this it is obvious that you are both in a relationship that is going no where and needs to end. Kids are no reason to stay in a relationship just to live in misery for the rest of your life or until the kids get 18 and have a bad example of what parents should be. Do the right thing, be a man accept your losses if that is what you want to call them and be the bigger person and move on. Be a father for your child and be there no matter what for them but do not get sucked into ever going back with her because she is the mother of your child or she has "changed". She will always be the psycho she is now with issues of her own that will carry on for the rest of her life and make yours miserable and your children as well. Pack your **** and leave with knowing that there is a better place to be. This is coming from a dad who's son is 15 now and can see how much his mom has lied and made things up and wants nothing to do with her. If you are honest and truthful and remain a decent person your children will see who is right and who is wrong. Never talk bad about the other person even if they bad mouth you all the time, be the bigger better person and ignore their little attacks and just lead by example, your children will thank you for it and be better people because of it. Mine is going career Navy and will end up either on one of the teams or working with them. I encourage him to do whatever he wants and to serve with honor and integrity, trust me living in your situation you and your children will never have happiness like my son and I have. Good luck and hope you make the right choice.
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Old 07-26-2012, 6:23 PM
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First thing: I'm not female.

Wow.

The only alpha move left is to say "I'm not going to marry you and I'm going to start making the decisions about how my children are raised", then follow through on it.

You've been waffling for the whole relationship and she's not going to stop walking all over you until the relationship is working on your terms.

Right now the only term you can enforce is the end date. If you can't make that stick, you're screwed.
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Old 07-26-2012, 9:44 PM
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Old 07-27-2012, 9:38 AM
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As a divorced man(due to her infidelity), and one who has had numerous girlfriends, let me say this. I agree with some of the comments, and disagree with some.
I could have stayed in the relationship(marriage) longer since she wanted to wait to get a divorce until we were in better financial shape. But, my feeling was, you are either married to me or you're not. You don't get to stay under my roof and play around with another guy.
As for going through phones/computors, that is the accepted, number one thing to do nowdays if one thinks that someone is cheating. I did it to a GF, which confirmed my suspicions that she was back with an old flame. I am not saying it was right, but self preservation often causes one to do things one shouldn't.
If you ask if they are cheating, more than likely they will lie and say "No". My "exwife" admitted that is what she would have done if I had asked her.
With all the "social diseases" out there, you must protect your self in whatever way you can.
I agree with the "bail out now" comments that have been made. If nothing else, the space is needed at this time. You both need some serious alone time to think and work through things. Even if you think you can't afford to out, you can't afford to stay in this relationshp for your own peace of mind.
Plus, it gives you some of your self respect back. If you keep letting her walk all over you and control you, you will have less and less self respect.
I am currently working on re-establishing the relationship with lady whose phone I went through. We have had a year hiatus, and she did some major rethinking of our relationship and some of her attitudes. Whether it will work or not depends on whether I can over come some major trust issues with myself due to what see did last fall to cause me to go through her phone. But, so far things seem to be going okay as long as she stays away from the other guy. They go to the same church, so she has contact with him periodically.

Last edited by Sailormilan2; 07-27-2012 at 10:03 AM..
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Old 07-27-2012, 9:54 AM
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Old 07-27-2012, 10:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Sailormilan2 View Post
As a divorced man(due to her infidelity), and one who has had numerous girlfriends, let me say this. I agree with some of the comments, and disagree with some.
I could have stayed in the relationship(marriage) longer since she wanted to wait to get a divorce until we were in better financial shape. But, my feeling was, you are either married to me or you're not. You don't get to stay under my roof and play around with another guy.
As for going through phones/computors, that is the accepted, number one thing to do nowdays if one thinks that someone is cheating. I did it to a GF, which confirmed my suspicions that she was back with an old flame. I am not saying it was right, but self preservation often causes one to do things one shouldn't.
If you ask if they are cheating, more than likely they will lie and say "No". My "exwife" admitted that is what she would have done if I had asked her.
With all the "social diseases" out there, you must protect your self in whatever way you can.
I agree with the "bail out now" comments that have been made. If nothing else, the space is needed at this time. You both need some serious alone time to think and work through things. Even if you think you can't afford to out, you can't afford to stay in this relationshp for your own peace of mind.
Plus, it gives you some of your self respect back. If you keep letting her walk all over you and control you, you will have less and less self respect.
I am currently working on re-establishing the relationship with lady whose phone I went through. We have had a year hiatus, and she did some major rethinking of our relationship and some of her attitudes. Whether it will work or not depends on whether I can over come some major trust issues with myself due to what see did last fall to cause me to go through her phone. But, so far things seem to be going okay as long as she stays away from the other guy. They go to the same church, so she has contact with him periodically.
Why would you reconsider starting up again with someone who cheated on you? I dont care how great of an epiphany they had. That's a game over for all time deal their. She could attempt to make ammends if she was truly sorry, but no way I'd get back together. But that's just me.
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Old 07-27-2012, 10:12 AM
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Another issue for the OP to consider is that the longer you stay the more likely things are to spiral down the drain. Are you willing to risk her flipping out sometime and calling the COPs on you claiming you hit her or something other lie just cuz she is mad at you?

The true alpha thing to do at this point is put your guard up and start thinking defensively. As long as you're still under the same roof.....you're on dangerous ground.
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Old 07-27-2012, 12:40 PM
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I've read through your original post and all the replies thereafter. There are some very good points made. I think there is very little trust on her part of you and at this point a sensible amount of distrust on your part.

Where does this leave you? If she has made it a point to tell you she is not in love with you there is really is not much more to go from there. Love seems to be a little one-sided and is not being fair to you. Counseling/mediator may help the two of you figure this out then again separation while you are going through this may be the answer.

Good luck!
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Old 07-27-2012, 1:07 PM
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OP, if she told you about her past relationships and why they did not work out, and those failed relationships followed similar abusive and controlling events and patterns as your current one, then honestly there's no sense in beating yourself up about this failed relationship.

And if you intend to leave, why can't you take your kids with you? And if need be, sell your firearms to help keep you and your kids fed and housed?
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Old 07-27-2012, 2:20 PM
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OP, if she told you about her past relationships and why they did not work out, and those failed relationships followed similar abusive and controlling events and patterns as your current one, then honestly there's no sense in beating yourself up about this failed relationship.

And if you intend to leave, why can't you take your kids with you? And if need be, sell your firearms to help keep you and your kids fed and housed?
I can't see taking kids from their mother. Plus I have been through this battle with my son, not a very easy road to tread.

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(For the record, I think my grandchildren will be retired and moved to AZ before shall-issue CCW comes to this screwed up state... and my kids are still currently young teenagers.)
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Wow. I'd work harder to stop the underage sex in your family

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Old 07-27-2012, 3:04 PM
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Some mothers are not the best option to raise the kids and actually sometimes the kids are better off with the father. I have two brothers who have custody of their children because both of their wives were complete f-ing wackos. Step outside of it and look at how she behaves around the children.

Case in point... A good friend of ours met a girl(I hated her from the get go, just bad juju!) and they had a kid and got married and about 4yrs in to it, it was going South in a BAD way. He didn't want to have his son raised in a broken home so he tried to stick it out but it was constant fighting. During one fight, she yelled at him "LOOK AT WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO YOUR SON!!!" He said he looked over, saw his son and went "That's it" He now has custody and she has visitation. He didn't want her to be out of his life but she was intent on making everything his fault as witnessed by the "What You're doing to YOUR son", not "What we are doing to our son"
Very good point

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(For the record, I think my grandchildren will be retired and moved to AZ before shall-issue CCW comes to this screwed up state... and my kids are still currently young teenagers.)
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Wow. I'd work harder to stop the underage sex in your family

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Old 07-27-2012, 4:44 PM
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After you've had that much negativity with someone, you are always going to hold some sort of resentment for that person. This resentment builds and builds, until it becomes full blown disdain. Every little argument or joke taken too far is going to lead back to some previous issue you guys had in the past and it will never go away. You could see a therapist, you could both have some fantastic epiphany, you could tell yourselves that it's only until the kids grow up, whatever. Bottom line is you'll both be unhappy, you'll both hate each other and you'll end up playing that on-again off-again game until the end of time. You have to understand that once you reach a certain point of intimacy with someone, things dig a little deeper. You become a lot more vulnerable to each other, and a little bit of spite goes a long way.

On the topic of whether or not to end it now, I think you already knew the answer to that. The relationship is beyond 'unhealthy' and should be given a last meal and put up for the firing squad, so to speak. Make a clean break and let time relieve some of the animosity between you two before attempting to reestablish communication, which IMO, would only be fore the sake of your kids. Your kids will definitely pick up on the aggression between you, which is no better than staying together from their standpoint, which is why it's important to give each other some time to move past the break up before trying to slowly reincorporate boundaries and details that are involved with shared custody. My last bit of advice would be to avoid court at all costs. Many times, it is completely necessary, but if it can be avoided, IMO it's best to do so. If you guys absolutely cannot come to an agreement on any particular terms alone, that is when the court system comes in. Keep in mind, coming up with a solid game plan for custody, financial issues and disbursement of possessions will be a lot easier to do after that cooling off period (No, not 10 days :P) but of course, a lot of the time one or both people involved is going to be unreasonable and unwilling to compromise.. which is when it needs to enter court.

Disclaimer: I'm not female nor have I ever been a female.
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Old 07-28-2012, 7:08 AM
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^^ Thanks ^^

As of right now it seems that a break up is on the way. Respect is completely lost on her behalf. Everyday I am reminded that she can't stand me. She has been yelling at kids and unhappy and blames this with being unhappy with me. We talked a bit and discussed the decisions of a break up. She jokingly said I'd take the kids so she can focus on school and work. Then retracted that as a joke. At this time with my employment issue, I believe we are going to try to be civil towards one another in order for me to stay to find another job and move forward.
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(For the record, I think my grandchildren will be retired and moved to AZ before shall-issue CCW comes to this screwed up state... and my kids are still currently young teenagers.)
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Wow. I'd work harder to stop the underage sex in your family

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Old 07-31-2012, 10:23 PM
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From that info; it really doesnt sound like a relationship you should stay in. The part that gets to me is her stating her discontent about your child. How you guys have been together so long is beyond me, since that should be a dealbreaker for anyone.

I hope you guys can end amicably since you have children together and both move on.

Good luck....
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Old 08-01-2012, 6:48 AM
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She has been yelling at kids and unhappy and blames this with being unhappy with me.
You need to have a serious talk with her about doing that. Taking it out on the children is not acceptable. She's an adult, she should have some modicum of control. The children do not deserve to be the fall guys for the failure of the relationship.
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Old 08-01-2012, 7:57 AM
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You need to have a serious talk with her about doing that. Taking it out on the children is not acceptable. She's an adult, she should have some modicum of control. The children do not deserve to be the fall guys for the failure of the relationship.

GFT.

she needs to grow up and put her big girl panties on right now. time to let her know what needs to happen for her to remain on the premises. its called "ground rules for relationship failure to allow continued co-existence in a combined household until such time as the sheets are literally separated". sit down, talk about it, write it down, and each of you sign it. if she breaks it, tell her her things will be on the street.
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Old 09-08-2012, 1:12 PM
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You're absolutely right. It is just hard on my mind. I feel if I walk away from this relationship that I have let my kids down. I'd rather her just plain outright kick me out.

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Can I suggest that you waiting for her to kick you out is you CHOOSING to live in misery. That she would accuse you of having sex with her mother tells me she is completely out to lunch.

I (a total stranger on the internet) am just giving you an opinion - but obviously I think what I have to say is worth wasting my time writing it out...

She sounds like she has a personality disorder of the Histrionic or Narcissistic type who is using the accusations to throw you off and keep you emotionally upset - it is a form of control. Sadly I had a similar experience with a crazy man and it took me far too long to get free. This is NOT GOOD FIR THE KIDS - and it weakens your ability to be a fully functioning parent.

I suggest you try "duplex" style living and you emotionally detach from her as that is where all her power resides and keep a journal because if she senses you slipping out of her grasp she may begin to mess with the kids and you need a record of these things if it comes to a custody battle (not recommended)... Keep doing the right thing for the kids but distance yourself so yo can offer them a sane and safe place when she starts doing to them what she is doing to you and trust me - sooner or later it will happen bt f you keep doing the next right thing the kids will one day know it and let you know they know it. That is the best reward and yes, revenge.

You sound like a good and decent man - from what you wrote - if you think you can change her and renew the trust I believe you are mistaken and will spend years twisting yourself into a pretzel to wrest sanity from the insane. Don't do it - it is like arguing with idiots or drunks - just makes you crazy and loses more precious seconds of your life.
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Old 09-08-2012, 1:17 PM
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What sisterhood?

You mean gossip? Yeah, we're good at that. Fo' sure.

The OP wants advice and he's giving us a one-sided story that reveals waaay to much about his character. He's the kinda guy most of us women wouldn't want to be with. We want a strong man, a guy who won't put up with our BS, who won't let us treat him like dirt.

What his woman of five years has been doing to him is not what most of us women would have done to our men in one week. Heck, we wouldn't even think of playing these kinds of games. Bleh.
Thoroughly agree. Thank God my man would not tolerate that stuff... Co-sign advice to get some therapy and NOT from someone who will turn you into an Alan Alda type... UGH
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Old 10-22-2012, 8:13 AM
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Reviving an old thread. I am still living with her but as of tonight moving out.

Ive been reading through this thread and realized some things. A lot of you are right as I allowed her to control the relationship. Its been hard to let go as I am an extremely great father. I would rather be here for my kids everyday an suffer her wrath. But in doing so i finally realized i am being selfish.....if i truly cared about my children I would not allow them to be part of such a scene. They shiuld not witness their mom yelling and cussing at me. Trying to be here everyday for them is also hurting them. I see that now.

On a side note, my fiance punched me a few times in past. Both kids were not present. But yesterday she was on a terror yelling at kids while I showered. I jumped out of shower still soapy worried she would harm them. When i expressed to her that she began yelling at me and was pissed. She threw her phone, and two remote controlls at me in front of my 3 year old who waa standing extremely close..

Ive had it. Im packing up and leaving today. I just wish I was financially well off to take kids with me now. I have been worried that their mother would just yell and not take care of them like i can. She assures me that she is only in the agitated mood she is in everyday because I am here.

So I amnleaving and hoping that she is the good mom i.know she can be.

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(For the record, I think my grandchildren will be retired and moved to AZ before shall-issue CCW comes to this screwed up state... and my kids are still currently young teenagers.)
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Wow. I'd work harder to stop the underage sex in your family

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Old 10-22-2012, 3:13 PM
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Wow, I sympathize with your situation. I think you're doing the right thing. I was once in a relationship with someone who was mentally unstable, and it made both of our lives exceedingly difficult. I had an easier time than you walking away from it, however, because no kids were involved. Best of luck!



Quote:
Originally Posted by teh.killer.of.zombies View Post
Reviving an old thread. I am still living with her but as of tonight moving out.

Ive been reading through this thread and realized some things. A lot of you are right as I allowed her to control the relationship. Its been hard to let go as I am an extremely great father. I would rather be here for my kids everyday an suffer her wrath. But in doing so i finally realized i am being selfish.....if i truly cared about my children I would not allow them to be part of such a scene. They shiuld not witness their mom yelling and cussing at me. Trying to be here everyday for them is also hurting them. I see that now.

On a side note, my fiance punched me a few times in past. Both kids were not present. But yesterday she was on a terror yelling at kids while I showered. I jumped out of shower still soapy worried she would harm them. When i expressed to her that she began yelling at me and was pissed. She threw her phone, and two remote controlls at me in front of my 3 year old who waa standing extremely close..

Ive had it. Im packing up and leaving today. I just wish I was financially well off to take kids with me now. I have been worried that their mother would just yell and not take care of them like i can. She assures me that she is only in the agitated mood she is in everyday because I am here.

So I amnleaving and hoping that she is the good mom i.know she can be.

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Old 10-22-2012, 3:33 PM
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........She assures me that she is only in the agitated mood she is in everyday because I am here.

So I amnleaving and hoping that she is the good mom i.know she can be.

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thanks for the update.
she spelled it out for you so there should be no doubt that she simply wants you gone.
i'm glad you've had enough and are moving out today.
i know you want the best for the kids.
but think about it this way: the relationship was teaching the kids some very unhealthy things about what a woman's role and what a man's role are in a relationship and even what is to be expected/tolerated in a relationship much less what constitutes a relationship.
you say you're a great father.
now is the time to look at why you got into this relationship and why you stayed....and then not make the same mistakes again.
stay involved with the kids. show them through making a new life for yourself how to walk through this world with love and respect....for oneself, for a loved one, and for a relationship.
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