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Chameleon Loco
04-29-2012, 9:00 PM
For my 12th grade senior project I choose the topic of gun control but I wrote against it not for it. Please tell me what you think of it I worked very hard on it. Be warned it is 10 pages.

zfields
04-29-2012, 9:09 PM
You need to seriously proof read that. Print it out and read it outloud in a normal speaking voice.

Sent from my Incredible 2 using Tapatalk 2

Chameleon Loco
04-29-2012, 9:14 PM
I will proof read it right now

alfred1222
04-29-2012, 9:23 PM
Honestly, proof reading is key. if i had the time, i would fact check and edit it for you, because it needs some major editing and revamping. Your paper doesnt flow, and by that i mean that you arent transitioning from one are of argument to another. its all just jumping around. Youre talking about criime stats and than the NFA and than more states and than details of the laws and current regulations. i think you need to, first of all, have a clearly defined topic sentence, and than from there, build an essay surrounded around 3 key points. and than from there, you write one or two paragraphs to support each point AND support the prime argument youre making. In a piece like this, you cant have errant arguments. everything must be concise and cohesive

EDIT: oh and learn how to use paragraphs... 5 paragraphs over 10 pages is way 2 little

alfred1222
04-29-2012, 9:31 PM
O and also, i personally wouldnt talk about politics and socialism and all of that. You dont know how the grader feels or what he believes, so it isnt smart to discuss personal opinions on such a controversial topic.

Chameleon Loco
04-29-2012, 9:32 PM
I found alot of gramatical errors and will try to change it around to make it flow better. There is a guideline that we have to follow: an intro, a history of the problem, opposing views, your stance, solution, and then a conclusion.

rkt88edmo
04-29-2012, 9:35 PM
Read the first paragraph, not quite sure what your thesis is. Strong thesis stmt, strong essay.

SoCal Bob
04-29-2012, 9:35 PM
May I suggest you have a friend or relative read it and give you their opinion so you can make changes and get real time feedback. You have a ton of information and I feel like a large dump truck just backed up to me, lifted the bed and buried me in info.

I do have a few thoughts though. It is a 10 day waiting period and the riot example you gave is not very effective. Even if the person had been able to buy a gun their home had already been ransacked by the time they got back.

Fun fact: California's assault weapons laws are all based on scary cosmetic features. What is a felony to posses in CA can be bought cash & carry in Walmart's in many other states.

Good luck with your paper.

Rivers
04-30-2012, 1:41 PM
If you did a good outline, then "fleshed out" the outline by expanding each item with sub-items, the paper or article will pretty much write itself. Your outline will structure continuity so you can't jump all over the place.

When you write, in a single paragraph, pick up in the next sentence some element of the previous sentence. That's continuity. For example:

"All basketballs used in the NBA are inflated to the same pressure per NBA regulations. This [the "same pressure" regulation] ensures all basketballs perform in an identical manner."

When your sentences no longer pick up directly from the previous, start a new paragraph. Your paragraphs should contain at least two sentences, but you should use caution that your paragraphs are not overly long. Short, crisp sentences are easy for the brain to digest. Long single-sentence paragraphs are not easy to read. A period is like getting a chance to breathe.

And write in "active" verbiage rather than "passive".
"Active" = "We painted the house red."
"Passive" = The house was painted red by us."
This is a subliminal technique. "Active" sends an authoritative or more concise message to the audience. "Passive" verbiage comes across as submissive or apologetic, especially when done throughout an article or story. Kind of a "proactive" vs. "reactive" thought process.

Good luck with the project.

tradecraft
04-30-2012, 1:47 PM
Jesus have someone proofread the whole thing for you. That's a C paper right there. Where is your thesis statement?

Chameleon Loco
04-30-2012, 6:24 PM
I turned in the paper today with alot less mistakes. My thesis was that gun control does not help and infact makes things worse for everyone exepct the criminals.

AAShooter
04-30-2012, 6:34 PM
I would love to read your final paper.

alfred1222
04-30-2012, 7:26 PM
Post up the final draft!!!!

Paul S
04-30-2012, 7:39 PM
I turned in the paper today with alot less mistakes. My thesis was that gun control does not help and infact makes things worse for everyone exepct the criminals.

My friend:
Slow down...think before your fingers pound the keys.
A lot
fewer - Remember the rule...if you can count things it is fewer...otherwise less is correct
except

I hope you were able to incorporate some of the great advice you got here on the forum and I hope you'll share the outcome with us.

AAShooter
04-30-2012, 8:29 PM
My friend:
Slow down...think before your fingers pound the keys.
A lot
fewer - Remember the rule...if you can count things it is fewer...otherwise less is correct
except

I hope you were able to incorporate some of the great advice you got here on the forum and I hope you'll share the outcome with us.

"Alot means nothing because it is not a word in the English language
and therefore should not to be used."
SOURCE: http://www.garypaulson.net/archives/allot-vs-alot-vs-a-lot-spelling/

"A lot (two words) is an informal phrase meaning a large portion or
large quantity of something."
SOURCE: http://www.garypaulson.net/archives/allot-vs-alot-vs-a-lot-spelling/

"Allot is a verb that means to distribute, to assign a portion, or to divide.
Example: The instructor allotted me 20 minutes to take the test."
SOURCE: http://www.garypaulson.net/archives/allot-vs-alot-vs-a-lot-spelling/

For formal English, it would be "quite a bit fewer" or "many fewer" or simply "fewer".

steve91104
04-30-2012, 10:06 PM
Good for you. You took the more challenging side of the argument. Hopefully your teacher will give you credit for that.