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jdewolf
06-04-2010, 1:17 AM
I talked to a good female friend recently and relayed a story about what happened very recently. She concluded that I was being a bit insensitive. So I'm looking for more women's perspective and well why not air my dirty laundry on CG? :o It's interesting to get perspective from people completely outside of the situation.

I've been friends with this nice girl I met for a while. She was in a rocky relationship and I'd always help her out whenever I had the free time. Simple crap like fixing some stuff around her pad, helping her move, etc. In exchange we'd chill every now and then, she'd cook me lunch or dinner, etc. Very casual type of thing and just kept it very much on a friend level. She's cute, got a great personality, but I'd describe her as more book smart than street smart.

Well a while ago she finally ended the relationship that she was in. I'd describe their relationship as over very long ago, but it was one of those things where they were used to one another and stayed together out of familiarity. So anyway she called me and told me what happened. Said she wanted to hang out a little more often and basically just get out to help her feel better. I had no problem and didn't think about it much. We did stupid stuff like bowling, batting cages, mini golf, go out and eat at new places, chill at the beach, etc. Again just very casual friend type of stuff.

There was always this weird sexual tension between us, it was just something we never acted on. At first it was because she was in a relationship. After the relationship ended I didn't want to mess up the friendship for the sake of a good rebound roll in the hay . Until one night we walked down to this little dive bar a few blocks from her pad. I'm not one to drink much... but we both had a ****ty day and well both got f'n trashed. I think at some point we were arguing about sports and I told her she was completely wrong and I was gonna knee cap her. All in good humor of course. So we end up stumbling back to her place and I asked her if I could crash on her couch. I've slept in the same bed with this girl, but I mean when people are drunk "stuff" happens. So anyway she says I can sleep in her bed tonight and it was said in a very non "friend" type of manner.

In my drunken state I followed along... in the morning I just wrote it off as a drunken lapse in judgement. Things went on just the same for a few weeks. We did the same things we did before and I thought that was that. Until last weekend...

She called me up late at night and was very upset. I did what I do best... I might not give the best advice, nor really know what to say sometimes, but I'm always there to listen and comfort. So she asks if she can come over and I do a quick cleanup of the room, hide the guns and ammo, etc.

Skipping all the rest of the stuff, at some point in the conversation she's calmed down and not crying anymore. And she drops the bomb on me. Tells me how she really likes me and really needs me in her life on a more serious level. She also tells me that it hurts her because I don't need her in my life. At that point I caught off guard. She knows me on a [B]very basic intimate level. I've told her enough of my past so she knows that I'm a very independent person. It's been that way since my earliest of childhood memories. I told her that I very much like having her in my life because I think she's really a great person. On the same token I told her that I don't necessarily need anyone in my life. How that might change but that would take years to form those bonds of trust, etc.

Needless to say that didn't go over well and she left and hasn't talked to me in a few days. Obviously part of me feels bad, but the other part well doesn't. I understand where she's coming from and it's not like I outright rejected her. On the same token I don't think she's taken into account my feelings nor "who" I am as a person. Ultimately it sucks because emotions don't always fall in line with logic.

Ultimately I'd rather not lie to someone to make them feel better, I feel as though I'm doing them a greater disservice in the end. I ask here because I'm interested in the female perspective. Am I in the right? Am I in the wrong? Do I need to attend sensitivity training? Are you guys gonna vote me off the island? :(

11011500a
06-04-2010, 2:03 AM
Penthouse and 870 is all that you need. Girls are less headache on paper.

11011500a
06-04-2010, 2:16 AM
Mrs 11011500a
I think the second you two slept together you were screwed. A girl can joke with a friend and relax with a friend as soon as you did it she no longer sees you as a pal to hang out with and everything you say and do with her will be studied by her over and over. That is the biggest draw back to being female when things get to that level everthing you say and don't say, everything she things your trying to tell her and not tell her, this is why women seem touch and insane they are horribly afraid that you are holding something back and that there is some fatal flaw in them. Women over thing and feel everything what I have come to understand is men are not half as deep as women give them credit for and usually, if the are the type to talk straight like you, say exactly what they mean with no hidden meaning or decoder ring needed. I say hang in there your damned if you do something and your damned if you don't just ride it out and see what happens just keep being honest always it's better in the end. Maybe you'll get lucky and she will find another boyfriend and become less emotionally vested in you and you can go back to friend status.

thevic
06-04-2010, 2:31 AM
i feel ya bro.

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 3:57 AM
Penthouse and 870 is all that you need. Girls are less headache on paper.

I'm a Mossberg man though :p

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 4:15 AM
Mrs 11011500a
I think the second you two slept together you were screwed. A girl can joke with a friend and relax with a friend as soon as you did it she no longer sees you as a pal to hang out with and everything you say and do with her will be studied by her over and over. That is the biggest draw back to being female when things get to that level everthing you say and don't say, everything she things your trying to tell her and not tell her, this is why women seem touch and insane they are horribly afraid that you are holding something back and that there is some fatal flaw in them. Women over thing and feel everything what I have come to understand is men are not half as deep as women give them credit for and usually, if the are the type to talk straight like you, say exactly what they mean with no hidden meaning or decoder ring needed. I say hang in there your damned if you do something and your damned if you don't just ride it out and see what happens just keep being honest always it's better in the end. Maybe you'll get lucky and she will find another boyfriend and become less emotionally vested in you and you can go back to friend status.

At the end of the day it just kind of sucks. Women/girls are confusing creatures... can't live with 'em... and they can't pee standing up :(

Fjold
06-04-2010, 5:47 AM
You were honest, that's a capital offense in most relationships.

Steyrlp10
06-04-2010, 6:34 AM
Viewpoint from another girl:

Yes, as soon as you slept with her, it tossed the wrench into the clockwork. It sounded like you had a great friendship going, but things have definitely changed.

She was vulnerable and still is. Been there, done that (who hasn't?) You sound like a nice, intelligent guy. I'm not an expert on such things, but I think it's a situation where the lines of communication need to stay open between the two of you if you want to stay friends. Naturally, it takes two people to make it work, so if she's not receptive to "just being friends," then you may have to distance yourself only because you're not ready to be in a longterm relationship with her.

When one person wants more than the other is able or willing to give, it tends to put major pot holes in the relationship.

Best of luck to you and don't hold it against the rest of us girls for not being able to pee standing up. :)

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 7:03 AM
You were honest, that's a capital offense in most relationships.

That's one of the main reasons why I'm single. I can be honest to a fault... some females appreciate it... and well others just don't.

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 7:25 AM
Viewpoint from another girl:

Yes, as soon as you slept with her, it tossed the wrench into the clockwork. It sounded like you had a great friendship going, but things have definitely changed.

She was vulnerable and still is. Been there, done that (who hasn't?) You sound like a nice, intelligent guy. I'm not an expert on such things, but I think it's a situation where the lines of communication need to stay open between the two of you if you want to stay friends. Naturally, it takes two people to make it work, so if she's not receptive to "just being friends," then you may have to distance yourself only because you're not ready to be in a longterm relationship with her.

When one person wants more than the other is able or willing to give, it tends to put major pot holes in the relationship.

Best of luck to you and don't hold it against the rest of us girls for not being able to pee standing up. :)

Thank you for pointing that out. It's one of those things that I live by. No matter the relationship [friendship, dating, marriage] both parties need to be on the same page. If there isn't that balance things will not work out. Apparently I get thrown off course when I'm drunk... and certain visual stimuli are introduced :confused:

Ultimately I feel bad because I can't reciprocate her feelings towards me. I want to honestly and sincerely tell her that it has nothing to do with her per-se. She's a cute little thing that enjoys physical activities and working out. She's fun to hang out with and is relatively low maintenance. She's the kind of chick that can throw on some jeans and some kicks with no makeup and be fine with it. On the other hand she can spend the time beautifying and spending all that time and look damn good. We went out to a nice dinner and I got dressed up and when she opened the door... my brain instantly went into limp mode. Somehow I managed to operate on about 2 usable brain cells until I recovered.

I've articulated this to her before and she appreciates the fact that's it's sincere and from the heart. She understands [or hopefully so] that I don't say **** to say it, I say it because I mean it. On the flip-side she knows where I'm coming from in regards to past relationships. Combine that along with the course I'm taking in life... and I don't have the time nor the energy to devote to her 100%. I don't want her to give "herself" to me and me not able to reciprocate. It would be unfair to both of us.

I know I'll breakdown and call her sometime in the next few days. Hopefully things have cooled down by then and we can have a serious talk. I just hope she doesn't start crying again. It's easy to console someone who is upset, it's harder to console someone who is upset because of something you did directly or indirectly :(

...and no I won't forgive you evil creatures for not being able to pee standing up... EVER :p

Sailormilan2
06-04-2010, 7:34 AM
You may not "need" her in your life, but do you "want" her in your life? "Needing" someone can be a bad thing.
If you like her, and she likes you, you can always give it a try. The worst that can happen is that it doesn't work out. Which happens all the time. At the same time, it might work really well.
Yes she may be on the rebound, but you may be just the right thing in her life and she might be just the thing in yours.
Do you miss her? It is hard to find someone nowdays that is fun to relax and hang out with.
I wouldn't say you were insensative, but startled and unprepared may be better words. She had time to think about it, and you didn't. Give it some really deep thought.

daveinwoodland
06-04-2010, 7:46 AM
Sounds to me like you spoke from your position in life and were honest. I'm not thinking that was insensitive at all.

Sajedene
06-04-2010, 7:59 AM
Sounds to me like you spoke from your position in life and were honest. I'm not thinking that was insensitive at all.

That's what I think. The truth is painful and I don't think anyone deserves to be coddled when all you'll end up hurting is yourself.

Do you just not see a relationship with her ever, or you are just not in a time and place to be in a relationship with anyone, now? If you do like her and would like a relationship with her someday, then making her wait for you is not really that fair either.

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 8:10 AM
You may not "need" her in your life, but do you "want" her in your life? "Needing" someone can be a bad thing.
If you like her, and she likes you, you can always give it a try. The worst that can happen is that it doesn't work out. Which happens all the time. At the same time, it might work really well.
Yes she may be on the rebound, but you may be just the right thing in her life and she might be just the thing in yours.
Do you miss her? It is hard to find someone nowdays that is fun to relax and hang out with.
I wouldn't say you were insensative, but startled and unprepared may be better words. She had time to think about it, and you didn't. Give it some really deep thought.

I think when I heard her say need, it caused an internal alarm to go off. I associate need with co-dependency... not a healthy place to be in a relationship.

It has hard to find someone to chill and relax with. I mean that's why I enjoyed it so much. We could just go do whatever and not have to worry about the male/female dynamic that seems to mess people up. Ultimately maybe we were a bit too comfortable and familiar with one another. :mad:

Mac Attack
06-04-2010, 8:20 AM
Some of the most happily married couples started out a friends.

If you like this girl and feel that you could be happy with her then put away your bachaelor lifestyle and give her a chance. If things don't work out you are no worse off then you are now and you atleast had a chance to enjoy the ride.

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 8:23 AM
That's what I think. The truth is painful and I don't think anyone deserves to be coddled when all you'll end up hurting is yourself.

Do you just not see a relationship with her ever, or you are just not in a time and place to be in a relationship with anyone, now? If you do like her and would like a relationship with her someday, then making her wait for you is not really that fair either.

It's a time and place issue. She knows for the most part what is going on as far as career and why I'm working and dedicating myself to it. She's the kind of girl that I wish I would have met just a few years earlier. Which is sad because it makes me feel like I'm old... :(

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 8:27 AM
Some of the most happily married couples started out a friends.

If you like this girl and feel that you could be happy with her then put away your bachaelor lifestyle and give her a chance. If things don't work out you are no worse off then you are now and you atleast had a chance to enjoy the ride.

It's not about bachelorhood unfortunately, if only it were so simple.

Marriage... oh man I think I have some friends that would poop themselves if I ever got married :eek:

9mmepiphany
06-04-2010, 9:17 AM
I think when I heard her say need, it caused an internal alarm to go off. I associate need with co-dependency... not a healthy place to be in a relationship.

... Ultimately maybe we were a bit too comfortable and familiar with one another. :mad:

that is the ultimate truth to a relationship, however it is a bit more complicated.

neither co-dependence or independence are really good...what you should look for in a relationship is inter-dependence...having yourself and having a part you share.

the tough part is deciding/agreeing what you're willing to share

77bawls
06-04-2010, 10:01 AM
How old are you guys if you don't mind me asking?

gadjeep
06-04-2010, 10:16 AM
"As soon as you slept together, you threw a wrench into the clockwork." (Insert beavis and butthead laughter here.) I'm going to try that one out on the wife and see if I don't get slapped for it! What can I say, I must be an insensitive bastard. Luckily there are women out there can abide our BS. :)

SixPointEight
06-04-2010, 10:20 AM
that is the ultimate truth to a relationship, however it is a bit more complicated.

neither co-dependence or independence are really good...what you should look for in a relationship is inter-dependence...having yourself and having a part you share.

the tough part is deciding/agreeing what you're willing to share

I'm going to give you my girlfriends phone number, I want you to have a long talk with her. I've been saying that for ages and somehow she still ends up over here every day...she's gonna read this and I'm screwed :eek:

9mmepiphany
06-04-2010, 11:16 AM
I'm going to give you my girlfriends phone number, I want you to have a long talk with her. I've been saying that for ages and somehow she still ends up over here every day...she's gonna read this and I'm screwed :eek:

hey...at least it's a local call :rolleyes:

unfortunately, she's still trying to "fix" you, because you have the "potential" to be a good catch :p

believe me, there are parts of her that she doesn't want to share either...she just figures you don't need to know anyway

SixPointEight
06-04-2010, 11:22 AM
hey...at least it's a local call :rolleyes:

unfortunately, she's still trying to "fix" you, because you have the "potential" to be a good catch :p

believe me, there are parts of her that she doesn't want to share either...she just figures you don't need to know anyway

That's fine, she can not share that stuff from her own house. My man cave contains too much estrogen haha

I must take a lot of fixing lol

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 12:44 PM
that is the ultimate truth to a relationship, however it is a bit more complicated.

neither co-dependence or independence are really good...what you should look for in a relationship is inter-dependence...having yourself and having a part you share.

the tough part is deciding/agreeing what you're willing to share

Very much agree with you on that point. Unfortunately right now I don't have much to share, nor will I for the next 1.5yrs. I don't want to part-time a relationship and I can't do the emotional investment currently.

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 12:46 PM
How old are you guys if you don't mind me asking?

I'm the old dirty man at 28, she's the youngin' at 26.

2Cute2Shoot
06-04-2010, 1:03 PM
Sounds to me like you spoke from your position in life and were honest. I'm not thinking that was insensitive at all.


I have to disagree with Dave. All us girls are different and I can only see things from my own point of view as someone who has dated jerks before too. :(

It seems like you two are really close and have a special relationship and I love how you value that, but I can also understand why she would be hurt. I have been drunk just a few times in my past, and I really believe that even though it is sooo much easier to do dumb things, you are still, in the end, in control of what you do. Even when temptation to be wild was there, I never slept with anyone when I was drunk.

And for girls, sex is so much more emotional than it is for guys. I can understand how your friend might have felt your relationship went to a much more intimate level when you two slept together and I can totally see how she would want you more in her life afterwords.

You two obviously know eachother so well and that is precious. You said about how she knows you on such a basic and intimate level. I hope you're one of those 'good listener' guys an know her just as well. If that is true, then you can answer about how she feels after the two of you made love. Is she the type of girl who could think of it as just 'sex' between drunk friends, or is that something that is more important to her?

It's hard for a lot of us girls to open up the way it she has opened up to you, and it sounds like she may have liked you as 'more than friends' for a long time now. I'm so happy that you think she is pretty and wonderful, and if those feelings are there, I think you should take the chance to see what could be between you. If you told her that it might take years to form those bonds, but that you wanted to give that a try with her, I think that would be soooooo romantic! :wub:

Dirtbiker
06-04-2010, 1:47 PM
You're a man so you're always wrong. Get used to it. :)

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 1:52 PM
I have to disagree with Dave. All us girls are different and I can only see things from my own point of view as someone who has dated jerks before too. :(

It seems like you two are really close and have a special relationship and I love how you value that, but I can also understand why she would be hurt. I have been drunk just a few times in my past, and I really believe that even though it is sooo much easier to do dumb things, you are still, in the end, in control of what you do. Even when temptation to be wild was there, I never slept with anyone when I was drunk.

And for girls, sex is so much more emotional than it is for guys. I can understand how your friend might have felt your relationship went to a much more intimate level when you two slept together and I can totally see how she would want you more in her life afterwords.

You two obviously know eachother so well and that is precious. You said about how she knows you on such a basic and intimate level. I hope you're one of those 'good listener' guys an know her just as well. If that is true, then you can answer about how she feels after the two of you made love. Is she the type of girl who could think of it as just 'sex' between drunk friends, or is that something that is more important to her?

It's hard for a lot of us girls to open up the way it she has opened up to you, and it sounds like she may have liked you as 'more than friends' for a long time now. I'm so happy that you think she is pretty and wonderful, and if those feelings are there, I think you should take the chance to see what could be between you. If you told her that it might take years to form those bonds, but that you wanted to give that a try with her, I think that would be soooooo romantic! :wub:

Females :confused:

She knows I listen and I care about her a lot. At the same time she kind of dropped it in my lap in a less than ideal manner. On the flip-side I can understand how emotions don't always follow the most ideal of paths. I'm starting to feel a little bit of a jerk.

:wub: :36:

My other friend called me "Jinny PooPooHead" in regards to how I handled the situation. That's her way of showing disapproval... I much prefer "Jinny Poo" :(

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 1:54 PM
You're a man so you're always wrong. Get used to it. :)

I'm not married nor in a relationship with her, or at least that's what I thought up until a few days ago. :taz:

masameet
06-04-2010, 2:21 PM
Why does this thread scream "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am"?

I've got a few years on you, jdewolf, and I think you did the dishonorable thing by doing her. Doesn't matter that you were both drunk or that she invited you into her bed. She was looking for love after her recent rejection, and you gave her only sex. And then slapped her in the face with your "truth."

Why don't you just admit to yourself that she is nothing but a one-night stand to you?

Steyrlp10
06-04-2010, 2:36 PM
I'm the old dirty man at 28, she's the youngin' at 26.

From her flexible personality that you described, I say you introduce her to Calguns. She'd have fun on here and then we can talk about you :) J/K!!!

I really wish the two of you the best and hope that things quiet down enough where you can both talk without feeling sad or defensive. Even plutonic friends fight, so I remain optimistic.

SixPointEight
06-04-2010, 2:41 PM
Why don't you just admit to yourself that she is nothing but a one-night stand to you?

He wants to maintain a friendship...he made a mistake, which you've obviously never done:rolleyes:

ironman5669
06-04-2010, 2:46 PM
Dude, there is right and wrong, there is sensitive and insensitive, and there is honest and dishonest, all of which are involved here. What you said was honest, and that may or may not make it right, but it was deffinately insensative. One quick question though, when you guys hung out before, who called who to initiate the contact? Was it always her, always you, or somewhere in between? (I'm guessing always her) One other thought, learning to want people in your life without needing them is kind of an advanced life lesson, not everyone gets the difference the way you seem to. Many believe that if they are not needed that their position in the relationship is somehow threatened, they dont understand that being wanted even when they are not needed is a much better situation.

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 2:52 PM
Why does this thread scream "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am"?

I've got a few years on you, jdewolf, and I think you did the dishonorable thing by doing her. Doesn't matter that you were both drunk or that she invited you into her bed. She was looking for love after her recent rejection, and you gave her only sex. And then slapped her in the face with your "truth."

Why don't you just admit to yourself that she is nothing but a one-night stand to you?

Depends on what your definition and the intent was. We were friends long before anything happened, and we were friends afterwards. We both avoided talking about the subject. I will take full responsibility for not bringing it up, and she did the same. Could I have done more and talked to her about what happened? Very much so, and ultimately maybe that's why she got upset when she did. I'll do right by the situation and talk to her. I don't want her to feel wronged or cheapened by what happened.

2Cute2Shoot
06-04-2010, 2:55 PM
Why does this thread scream "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am"?

I've got a few years on you, jdewolf, and I think you did the dishonorable thing by doing her. Doesn't matter that you were both drunk or that she invited you into her bed. She was looking for love after her recent rejection, and you gave her only sex. And then slapped her in the face with your "truth."

Why don't you just admit to yourself that she is nothing but a one-night stand to you?

I would NEVER have put it this harshly...and I don't feel that JDE 'slapped' her with anything, but I think I understand your general feeling. Now jdewolf, you have to make it right....by marrying her and loving her for the rest of your life :p

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 2:57 PM
From her flexible personality that you described, I say you introduce her to Calguns. She'd have fun on here and then we can talk about you :) J/K!!!

I really wish the two of you the best and hope that things quiet down enough where you can both talk without feeling sad or defensive. Even plutonic friends fight, so I remain optimistic.

NOOOOOOOOO! I'm a shy boy :(

I'm trying to get her into shooting though. She isn't totally against it, just very much apprehensive. I told her I'd even buy a little .22 plinker because even with a 22 conversion my G17 is way too big for her hands.

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 3:01 PM
Dude, there is right and wrong, there is sensitive and insensitive, and there is honest and dishonest, all of which are involved here. What you said was honest, and that may or may not make it right, but it was deffinately insensative. One quick question though, when you guys hung out before, who called who to initiate the contact? Was it always her, always you, or somewhere in between? (I'm guessing always her) One other thought, learning to want people in your life without needing them is kind of an advanced life lesson, not everyone gets the difference the way you seem to. Many believe that if they are not needed that their position in the relationship is somehow threatened, they dont understand that being wanted even when they are not needed is a much better situation.

It was a bit insensitive, I've come to that conclusion. I could have handled it a lot better and I'll do right by the situation.

When we hung out... it was probably 70-30 in favor of her. I have a funky schedule and I can have set plans but if a client calls or a meeting comes up. unfortunately I have to take care of business before pleasure. It's one of those things that I know is wrong. It's just that I made certain commitments in the beginning and I knew that it would come at the expense of a lot of things :/

NorcalGSG
06-04-2010, 3:02 PM
To the OP- sounds like you were her gay friend for a long time prior to this. By that I mean the one who did all the listening and talking a boyfriend normally does, but without the other stuff a boyfriend normally does. Also sounds like you two should have hooked up much sooner than this. She probably was just waiting for you to make a move before she dumped her ex. Why don't you go out on a limb for once and admit she means something to you, and date for real. Being single was great and all, but seriously getting married was the best thing I ever did.

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 3:03 PM
I would NEVER have put it this harshly...and I don't feel that JDE 'slapped' her with anything, but I think I understand your general feeling. Now jdewolf, you have to make it right....by marrying her and loving her for the rest of your life :p

http://thezenafile.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/shotgun-wedding-bride-groom-cake-topper-gun.jpg

Steyrlp10
06-04-2010, 3:05 PM
NOOOOOOOOO! I'm a shy boy :(

I'm trying to get her into shooting though. She isn't totally against it, just very much apprehensive. I told her I'd even buy a little .22 plinker because even with a 22 conversion my G17 is way too big for her hands.

If she likes bowling, she'll do fine with shooting. It's Asian, trust me ;)

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 3:13 PM
If she likes bowling, she'll do fine with shooting. It's Asian, trust me ;)

Trust is a tough thing, especially if you can't pee standing up :43:

Steyrlp10
06-04-2010, 3:18 PM
Trust is a tough thing, especially if you can't pee standing up :43:

When you're up north, hop into my Ranger when I'm doing 70+ on the water and show me you can still pee standing up - lol

C'mon... you can trust me :)

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 3:47 PM
I'll take you up on that challenge. I assume the "Ranger" is a boat as opposed to the Ford truck.

I travel to the Bay at least once a year to visit my family up there. I think last year I was up there 3 times which was some sort of record.

8bitnintendo
06-04-2010, 3:51 PM
(She) Said she wanted to hang out a little more often and basically just get out to help her feel better.Again just very casual friend type of stuff.So we end up stumbling back to her place and I asked her if I could crash on her couch. I've slept in the same bed with this girl, but I mean when people are drunk "stuff" happens. So anyway she says I can sleep in her bed tonight and it was said in a very non "friend" type of manner.
I guess I'm in the (one-person perhaps?) minority here, but I don't feel you really did anything wrong. From the way your post described it, you and she have known each other for a while, so she should already know how you feel about dating and your independence. She portrayed her desire as being for friendship, and never indicated that she was romantically interested in you. She invited you into her bed, which based on background, would seem more like she wanted a friends-with-benefits situation than a move to start a relationship, from where I'm sitting. Granted, in an ideal world you would have clarified that verbally before hooking up with her. But it seems like she is the one who was dishonest... either with you or with herself.

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 4:16 PM
From this point forth, you shall be known as K-Dog :winkiss:

I owe you a beer, thanks for making this old fart feel better about himself.

8bitnintendo
06-04-2010, 4:24 PM
I'm turning 30 in a couple months, so perhaps you shouldn't be throwing around the "old fart" too hard when you're only 28. ;)

OldLincoln
06-04-2010, 4:29 PM
One of life's big mysteries for me and I'm way over the hill and through the valley being very, very happily marred for 44 years. Simply put, WHY is sex a commitment thing for women?

I got around in my youth and would tease but was reluctant to pursue sex. When they would push me, I'd tell them I was reluctant because I did not want a relationship and they'd say they didn't either. After sex, it was will you call me tomorrow? Then the hurt feelings would start. I tried to be sensitive and kind but they were genuinely hurt. I wanted it to be friends and fun, but it never worked out that way.

It wasn't just one or two women but a pattern and I eventually stopped the sex. So what gives?

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 4:44 PM
I'm turning 30 in a couple months, so perhaps you shouldn't be throwing around the "old fart" too hard when you're only 28. ;)

You're right K-Dog. Regardless I owe you a beer... I'll even be a gentleman and open the door for you... hopefully they have :wheelchair: access for you :D

aileron
06-04-2010, 4:53 PM
And for girls, sex is so much more emotional than it is for guys.



*sigh*

I really hope you meet a few guys in your time that teach you how untrue this can be. It depends on the guy.

JD... good luck dude, you stepped into it... until she finds someone else you probably are going to have a real hard time being just friends (Even then you two might never recover.) Regardless give it your best shot to stay friends but I suspect she is going to be moving on. If so, respect it because she is hurting, maybe she can revisit you as friends later.

One last thought; from the sounds of it, I think she liked you all along, even when she had her last boyfriend.

9mmepiphany
06-04-2010, 4:57 PM
If she likes bowling, she'll do fine with shooting. It's Asian, trust me ;)

but i hate bowling...the only reason i went was, it was the only thing open when i got off work after 1am ( i was 18) and i wanted to hit on the white girls :p

9mmepiphany
06-04-2010, 5:02 PM
One of life's big mysteries for me ... Simply put, WHY is sex a commitment thing for women?

I wanted it to be friends and fun, but it never worked out that way.

It wasn't just one or two women but a pattern and I eventually stopped the sex. So what gives?

i've found that many folks just don't understand the concept of "sex play"...it isn't related to love and it isn't casual sleeping around. the best Western term i've heard for it is friends with benefits as differentiated from a booty call

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 5:20 PM
*sigh*



One last thought; from the sounds of it, I think she liked you all along, even when she had her last boyfriend.

Yah there was always some chemistry there. I tried to respect the fact that she was in a relationship at the time. I didn't want to be an *** and weasel in there. It would have been easy to undermine their relationship and try to swoop her up... but I tried to take the high road and try to keep things purely on a friend level. The dynamics of a male/female relationship are still a mystery :(

taloft
06-04-2010, 7:20 PM
You made some mistakes because she caught you flatfooted. Had you time to properly consider what she was saying, you'd have been better able to formulate a response that would have been a bit more sensitive to her emotional state. I'd say you were more oblivious to her feelings than anything. Otherwise she wouldn't have caught you off guard. You can't stuff the genie back into the bottle so, move on to damage control.

You need to let her know that she doesn't really need you on a more serious level. She likely feels that way because she just left someone else. It's just a coping mechanism in response to breaking up with her ex. In a way, you should be flattered that she feels safe with you. She just got out of a relationship and needs time by herself to get herself together. Her judgement should be suspect until then. There is nothing wrong with emotions but, they should be tempered by reason when making relationship decisions. Relationships based on a rebound seldom work out. Explain that to her, she should be able to see it once you shine a light on it.

Also, you should be firm in telling her that you do need her in your life. Good people to share your adventures with are hard to come by. That whole I don't need anyone line is a load of BS. No man is an island. Reaffirm to her that you would be sad if she didn't play some part in your life. Tell her that what has passed between you is important to you and that you don't take it lightly. This will keep her from feeling cheap, besides by what you've said so far it isn't a lie. Let her know that she is important to you. She needs to hear that, and it is true. If it wasn't you wouldn't be going to all this trouble. Let her know that while you don't have equally strong feelings for her, at this time, who knows what the future may bring. Hope springs eternal. Tell her about the qualities you admire in her, she needs to hear this for her own sense of self worth.

Tell her you want things to go slow. If she knows you as well as you say she does, she'll know that you can't just turn on love like a light switch. Stay as friends for now and let things develop naturally. You're both young, there is no need to rush. Also, keep it in your pants until you're ready to commit. Mixed signals won't help the situation. If she can't roll with all that then the kindest thing to do is end the friendship. If you're not good at speaking on your feet, for goodness sakes write her a letter. Actually, that might be better since she can't interject. Good luck either way.

AJAX22
06-04-2010, 7:50 PM
Women = crazy


Life would be so much easier without em...... But I just can't seem to coordinate my shoes to my outfits in season....

Seriously, if she means something to you romantically, then go for it.... If not, then you might as well have the bloodbath now and get it over with..

Steyrlp10
06-04-2010, 8:27 PM
I'll take you up on that challenge. I assume the "Ranger" is a boat as opposed to the Ford truck.



Yep, a bass boat. I'm not partial to Ford trucks, but I can hear some of the guys calling my mama a bad name - lol

I'm sure your family enjoys seeing you. My parents were just across the Bay, but from the way they carried on, you'd think I was back East. Now, I get to share that dialogue with another generation :)

Steyrlp10
06-04-2010, 8:30 PM
but i hate bowling...the only reason i went was, it was the only thing open when i got off work after 1am ( i was 18) and i wanted to hit on the white girls :p

Ah, but I know your secret ;)

As for me, I'm still trying to figure out my Blonde :)

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 9:51 PM
Otherwise she wouldn't have caught you off guard. You can't stuff the genie back into the bottle so, move on to damage control.

There is nothing wrong with emotions but, they should be tempered by reason when making relationship decisions. Relationships based on a rebound seldom work out. Explain that to her, she should be able to see it once you shine a light on it.

That whole I don't need anyone line is a load of BS. No man is an island. Reaffirm to her that you would be sad if she didn't play some part in your life. Tell her that what has passed between you is important to you and that you don't take it lightly. This will keep her from feeling cheap, besides by what you've said so far it isn't a lie. Let her know that she is important to you. She needs to hear that, and it is true. If it wasn't you wouldn't be going to all this trouble. Let her know that while you don't have equally strong feelings for her, at this time, who knows what the future may bring. Hope springs eternal. Tell her about the qualities you admire in her, she needs to hear this for her own sense of self worth.

Tell her you want things to go slow. If she knows you as well as you say she does, she'll know that you can't just turn on love like a light switch. Stay as friends for now and let things develop naturally. You're both young, there is no need to rush. Also, keep it in your pants until you're ready to commit. Mixed signals won't help the situation. If she can't roll with all that then the kindest thing to do is end the friendship. If you're not good at speaking on your feet, for goodness sakes write her a letter. Actually, that might be better since she can't interject. Good luck either way.

Damage control, check.

Emotions tempered with reason, double check.

No man is an island, I'll agree with that. Although I'm stubborn enough to do it until I go mad and decide to eat some 00B [joking of course].

I called her tonight and told her that I really needed to talk with her. I have a few hours of work to get done tomorrow and then we're going to meet on some neutral ground. Hopefully things go well... if not well... the Zombies are coming in 2012 anyway, so my misery will be short lived.

8bitnintendo
06-04-2010, 10:17 PM
That whole I don't need anyone line is a load of BS. No man is an island.
No man is an island, I'll agree with that.
Well, I'd agree that very few people are happy being completely alone, but there's a difference between needing people in general and needing a particular person. I think a lot of us go through life without identifying one person we truly need. I would probably go nuts if I never got to spend time with people, but that doesn't make anybody "special". That's not to say that people are fungible, but rather that there are plenty of people out there who are interesting enough to be worth spending time with.

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 10:51 PM
:notworthy: K-Dog speaks the truth :notworthy:

Seriously though, I couldn't have said it better myself. Although I probably would have omitted 'fungible'. Not that it's not a good word mind you, but more because I don't believe I've ever used it before. Fragible maybe? Expendable? Disposable? I guess in the end they all mean the same thing... fungible...

8bitnintendo
06-04-2010, 11:00 PM
Although I probably would have omitted 'fungible'. Not that it's not a good word mind you, but more because I don't believe I've ever used it before. Fragible maybe?
Well, as long as we don't call humans "frangible"... even I have limits! Though unfortunately that is also true :(

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 11:08 PM
Well, as long as we don't call humans "frangible"... even I have limits! Though unfortunately that is also true :(

Well let's investigate here...

Frangible rounds will break apart and/or disintegrate when striking an object harder than the round itself.

So if people are frangible it would mean what? That their will/resolve will dissolve once they are faced with a tough situation?

So maybe a frangible person could be someone who is otherwise apparently strong [strength, bullet] is more brittle and fragile than one would otherwise suspect from initial appearance.

In that case people very well could be frangible.

johnthomas
06-04-2010, 11:25 PM
When is the baby coming? I've been married for 35 years. If sex isn't important but a relationship is, then get married to her, lol.

jdewolf
06-04-2010, 11:37 PM
When is the baby coming? I've been married for 35 years. If sex isn't important but a relationship is, then get married to her, lol.

That's not funny... my buddy joked that maybe it was her way of telling me she was pregnant. I laughed about it for a minute... then pooped myself :eek:

77bawls
06-05-2010, 12:07 AM
Welcome to fatherhood... :p
It's tough to beat it into a womans head that you just want to be friends after having sex. I have a FWB right now and the first time we ever did anything she was wicked emotional. I just said hey it's what I have to offer and she accepted that.

28 it really close to 26. I'm 32 and dated a 23 year old for a little while and most of the time she bugged the crap out of me. From now on it's 26 and up!! :D

8bitnintendo
06-05-2010, 12:50 AM
That's not funny... my buddy joked that maybe it was her way of telling me she was pregnant. I laughed about it for a minute... then pooped myself :eek:
If it bothers you that much, get fixed!

jdewolf
06-05-2010, 1:02 AM
:64: Nooooooooooo!

Proper precautions were taken on both our parts. However no form of protection is 100%.

Steyrlp10
06-05-2010, 5:46 AM
If it bothers you that much, get fixed!

Lol...

jdewolf
06-05-2010, 10:41 AM
Well that went about as horribly wrong as humanly possible... I don't think I could envision a worse outcome.

Oh well, I'm not a dad if that counts for anything. I have a few hours of work to do. Then I'll sit around and feel sorry for myself. Maybe a drive along the coast is in order and then wash and wax my car. Either that or drown myself in the toilet :(

gunace89
06-05-2010, 11:33 AM
Well that went about as horribly wrong as humanly possible... I don't think I could envision a worse outcome.

Oh well, I'm not a dad if that counts for anything. I have a few hours of work to do. Then I'll sit around and feel sorry for myself. Maybe a drive along the coast is in order and then wash and wax my car. Either that or drown myself in the toilet :(

Or you could just go shooting :D? Seriously though, that is a crappy situation all around man. Been there though, the difference was I wasnt smart enough to not say no to dating. Ended up in a long, unhealthy relationship that ended very badly. Biggest recommendation is give it time, and see what happens. If the friendship is worth something to both of you then it will work out. If not, then it was a screw up and you live and learn. Just dont get involved if YOU dont want too. Why cant women be independent? I mean honestly, im not trying to be a jerk, but it seems that 99% of girls regardless of if you do anything with them or not end up getting attachment issues. Cant we all just be independent people? :)

9mmepiphany
06-05-2010, 4:51 PM
Well that went about as horribly wrong as humanly possible... I don't think I could envision a worse outcome.

Oh well, I'm not a dad if that counts for anything. I have a few hours of work to do. Then I'll sit around and feel sorry for myself. Maybe a drive along the coast is in order and then wash and wax my car. Either that or drown myself in the toilet :(

now you really have my interest peaked...well at least you know where you both stand now, or not

mblat
06-05-2010, 7:03 PM
Without even reading what you have posted - you are male - it means you are insensitive. It is too bad for girls, but that the way it is - all sensitive males already have boyfriends.....

jdewolf
06-05-2010, 7:15 PM
Or you could just go shooting :D?

I generally don't go shooting Sat or Sun because the range is f'n busy. Generally there's some pretty big groups and a lot of them are new shooters. I generally feel unsafe around large groups of new shooters. That's in no way shape or form a reflection of the staff, but they can't be everywhere at all times. I've been swept a few times and it's not an experience I wish to ever repeat. Do I know if the gun is [un]loaded... I have no clue... but sadly neither do they. Nevermind the stories.

As for the rest, the dynamics of a male/female relationship are something I'll never quite figure out. It varies by person. I've met [not slept] plenty of females that view sex as just a physical act. When in a relationship they're very monogamous... but if not... well :o

jdewolf
06-05-2010, 7:41 PM
now you really have my interest peaked...well at least you know where you both stand now, or not

Let's just say she got back with her ex, I met him for the first time today. I was leaving and he said a few comments in regards to my race. What happened and what I said next... I won't repeat. Regardless it had the desired effect...

So anyway she's dead to me, which I'm a little sad about. Over the past few days I've been reevaluating and replaying that situation in my mind... and I felt bad because of how things could be perceived as far as the actions [and lack of] on my part. So I was hoping we could talk things out and move on with our relationship [in whatever form]. But uhm that isn't happening now.

I had a nice drive along the coast however. Too bad it got all overcast later on or I would have enjoyed it more.

9mmepiphany
06-05-2010, 9:07 PM
well...i don't know you or her, but i'd say it may not have turned out how you wanted but it wasn't all bad.

i'd say she was looking for a lot more than you were willing to commit to and when it didn't play out the way she thought it would, she went back to a sure thing. that may sound cold, but it's actually the nicest of the readings i have on it.

don't take me too seriously, i'm jaded from working too long in the Family Courts and being married to a Family Court Mediator

jdewolf
06-05-2010, 9:28 PM
:)

Life is what it is. Ultimately the choices she makes are her own. She has no children so ultimately the only life she can really mess up is her own. She wasn't happy in the relationship the first time around, sure as hell won't be happy the second time. If I'm wrong... er well won't be the first time... and well best of luck to her.

I won't exactly be losing sleep over losing a friend. Sure it sucks, but ultimately I treat people how they deserve to be treated. If you treat me with honesty and respect, then I'll be a friend for life. If you want to bring drama and disrespect me, I'll kick your *** to the curb without a second thought.

Besides I still have my buddy K-Dog [8bit] :wheelchair: :clap: I still don't know where the hell that nickname came from. Ah well...

gunace89
06-05-2010, 9:38 PM
I generally don't go shooting Sat or Sun because the range is f'n busy. Generally there's some pretty big groups and a lot of them are new shooters. I generally feel unsafe around large groups of new shooters. That's in no way shape or form a reflection of the staff, but they can't be everywhere at all times. I've been swept a few times and it's not an experience I wish to ever repeat. Do I know if the gun is [un]loaded... I have no clue... but sadly neither do they. Nevermind the stories.

As for the rest, the dynamics of a male/female relationship are something I'll never quite figure out. It varies by person. I've met [not slept] plenty of females that view sex as just a physical act. When in a relationship they're very monogamous... but if not... well :o

I understand with the whole getting sweeped by large inexperienced groups at ranges, thats why my buddies and I found special shooting spots in the mountains. :D So no worries, it prob would be nice to go drive around the coast though. In regards to relationships, I dont get them either, so I choose to not participate anymore. Too jaded. Hopefully, theres someone out there who arent crazy, you know?

XD9JEN
06-05-2010, 11:25 PM
:)

Life is what it is. Ultimately the choices she makes are her own. She has no children so ultimately the only life she can really mess up is her own. She wasn't happy in the relationship the first time around, sure as hell won't be happy the second time. If I'm wrong... er well won't be the first time... and well best of luck to her.

I won't exactly be losing sleep over losing a friend. Sure it sucks, but ultimately I treat people how they deserve to be treated. If you treat me with honesty and respect, then I'll be a friend for life. If you want to bring drama and disrespect me, I'll kick your *** to the curb without a second thought.
Besides I still have my buddy K-Dog [8bit] :wheelchair: :clap: I still don't know where the hell that nickname came from. Ah well...

I have been waiting to hear what came to be...things have to paly out..I couldn't agree more with the bold above! Good job, move on!

jdewolf
06-05-2010, 11:55 PM
I understand with the whole getting sweeped by large inexperienced groups at ranges, thats why my buddies and I found special shooting spots in the mountains. :D So no worries, it prob would be nice to go drive around the coast though. In regards to relationships, I dont get them either, so I choose to not participate anymore. Too jaded. Hopefully, theres someone out there who arent crazy, you know?

I wish there was an outdoor area around here to shoot. I suppose I could goto the Zoo or the Wild Animal park... although I wouldn't be doing much for the gun cause.

Driving along the coast is nice. I'm not a big beach person but there is something soothing about the sound of crashing waves, the smell of the salt water, the sun beading down on you, etc. I don't know it's just relaxing. Not to mention I love driving but daily commutes make me despise cars. So when I have an excuse just to drive for the pure enjoyment of it... it helps keep me balanced.

jdewolf
06-06-2010, 12:06 AM
I have been waiting to hear what came to be...things have to paly out..I couldn't agree more with the bold above! Good job, move on!

You can be my buddy too :flowers:. I'll overlook the fact that you [?] own a XD. You were young... you made a mistake... it happens :D

On a serious note. I'm getting too old for high school drama. Relationships seem to bring out the worst in people. Can't we all just get along :(

Steyrlp10
06-06-2010, 5:27 AM
don't take me too seriously, i'm jaded from working too long in the Family Courts and being married to a Family Court Mediator

Even Family Law attorneys need love :)

Steyrlp10
06-06-2010, 5:29 AM
To the OP: You can see that you have buds on CGN. You young people heal fast, so just stay busy. As they say, when you're not looking, good things tend to fall in place for you.

8bitnintendo
06-06-2010, 6:17 AM
It sounds more and more like she was unhappy in her current relationship, and saw an opportunity to "upgrade". Now she knows that's not going to happen, she's back with the ex. Ew.

The older I get, the more convinced I am that people end up with exactly the person they deserve. Which is I guess another good reason for me to stay single ;)

dirtnap
06-06-2010, 6:26 AM
:useless:

XD9JEN
06-06-2010, 8:28 AM
You can be my buddy too :flowers:. I'll overlook the fact that you [?] own a XD. You were young... you made a mistake... it happens :D

On a serious note. I'm getting too old for high school drama. Relationships seem to bring out the worst in people. Can't we all just get along :(

Hey, I like my XD:D What is it you don't like about it? Just curious....

Getting a Bersa today....thoughts? It's free so I can't really complain:)

bruceflinch
06-06-2010, 9:24 AM
When is the baby coming? I've been married for 35 years. If sex isn't important but a relationship is, then get married to her, lol.

That's not funny... my buddy joked that maybe it was her way of telling me she was pregnant. I laughed about it for a minute... then pooped myself :eek:

It's funny if you been married more than 5 yrs! :D

jdewolf
06-06-2010, 9:39 AM
To the OP: You can see that you have buds on CGN. You young people heal fast, so just stay busy. As they say, when you're not looking, good things tend to fall in place for you.

:) Thanks I'm in no rush to get back into a relationship. As with anybody who doesn't live in a cave I have plenty of fun relationship stories. I have enough work to keep me busy for a few lifetimes. Thank you though, there's some good people on CGN :o

jdewolf
06-06-2010, 9:47 AM
It sounds more and more like she was unhappy in her current relationship, and saw an opportunity to "upgrade". Now she knows that's not going to happen, she's back with the ex. Ew.

The older I get, the more convinced I am that people end up with exactly the person they deserve. Which is I guess another good reason for me to stay single ;)

Speaking of "upgrade" funny story. My brother was in OC for a conference. Calls me and invites me out to dinner with some peers of his. [fast forward] We're at the dinner table and one of his cute peers was talking about her boyfriend, and playing footsie with me under the table. While she was physically attractive, the rest left much to be desired.

Well K-Dog [I don't even like that name for you anymore, but I'll persevere]. I'll go out on a limb and say you deserve the best. I don't know you well at all but you seem like a stand-up lady :) Even if you own a HK :p

:cheers2:

BC9696
06-06-2010, 9:55 AM
Say the following and enjoy:

"I need you in my life as a friend and even a "friend with benefits"...but I am not ready for a serious relationship with anyone. I care about you too much to mislead you. I'm here for you whenever you need me. Always have-always will."

Best sex I ever had was with a friend w/ benefits.

jdewolf
06-06-2010, 10:07 AM
Hey, I like my XD:D What is it you don't like about it? Just curious....

Getting a Bersa today....thoughts? It's free so I can't really complain:)

The XD is a fine pistol, I'm just teasing you. The only 3 features which I dislike are the grip safety, striker fire indicator, and the location of the loaded chamber indicator. I'm a Glock boy at heart :) Although I love quite a few other guns, and I'll own different brands... she was my first :wub:.

Bersa is a fine pistol. My only dislike is the .380 cartridge itself. It's essentially a 9mm short. So with the 9mm you get a larger round, better velocity/energy, in a package that's not that much larger than a .380. With that being said I wouldn't want to get shot with a .380 either. You just have more overall flexibility with a 9mm. But it's free... so I'll take it off your hands :whistling:

8bitnintendo
06-06-2010, 10:41 AM
I'm a Glock boy at heart :) Although I love quite a few other guns, and I'll own different brands... she was my first :wub:.
Ha, I was about to ask which brands you do like, since you seem to have such strong opinions. :rolleyes: Maybe I should take you with me the next time I go shopping so I don't have to get grief for my next gun!

jdewolf
06-06-2010, 10:59 AM
Ha, I was about to ask which brands you do like, since you seem to have such strong opinions. :rolleyes: Maybe I should take you with me the next time I go shopping so I don't have to get grief for my next gun!

You should... I hate it when people make horrible decisions :tt2:

8bitnintendo
06-06-2010, 11:55 AM
You should... I hate it when people make horrible decisions :tt2:
Which seems kind of ironic considering the subject of this thread... I kid, I kid :43:

9mmepiphany
06-06-2010, 12:56 PM
Even Family Law attorneys need love :)
but at least they know to get a pre-nup and know enough not to represent themselves in court :rolleyes:

9mmepiphany
06-06-2010, 1:01 PM
It sounds more and more like she was unhappy in her current relationship, and saw an opportunity to "upgrade". Now she knows that's not going to happen, she's back with the ex. Ew.

The older I get, the more convinced I am that people end up with exactly the person they deserve. Which is I guess another good reason for me to stay single ;)

at 55+ years, i've found this to be true :o

however, the good is that it isn't a punishment or karma. it is some that you can resolve the issues from your childhood...the downside is that it also applies to the other party too

here's something to look forward to: what you find attractive about a person (not appearance related), will be what you eventually hate about them when issues start to arise

2Cute2Shoot
06-06-2010, 1:22 PM
*sigh*

I really hope you meet a few guys in your time that teach you how untrue this can be. It depends on the guy.


If you are meaning that there are some guys out there who are very loving and emotional, then I know you are right :). But if you think they have the girls beat and are more emotional about it than most girls about those things, then I think you are dreaming :p.

jdewolf
06-06-2010, 1:48 PM
Which seems kind of ironic considering the subject of this thread... I kid, I kid :43:

... you know I'm speechless. You got me good there. But it's ok K-Dog I still :wub: you :winkiss:

jdewolf
06-06-2010, 6:24 PM
:useless:

:o thanks but I'm an ugly bastard... oh wait you meant her?

I don't post pictures of other people online. It's a matter of respect & privacy.

Steyrlp10
06-06-2010, 7:34 PM
Ha, I was about to ask which brands you do like, since you seem to have such strong opinions. :rolleyes: Maybe I should take you with me the next time I go shopping so I don't have to get grief for my next gun!

I think this calls for a new thread in itself!!!! :)

jdewolf
06-07-2010, 1:41 AM
I think this calls for a new thread in itself!!!! :)

That would be comedy... until she strangles me :(

Dr. Peter Venkman
06-07-2010, 5:50 AM
It seems to me that she looked a lot more into the friendship and where it was possibly heading than you did. Despite your claims of the friendship being 'strictly platonic' during all your outings, you two were having a natural progression towards some type of relationship, just without the physical intimacy part. Where you messed up big time was being physically intimate and turning her away cold turkey; yes, that does make you quite insensitive, given that you guys did all of the activities that a 'normal' couple would have, and this is true regardless of her relationship status with another.

To be frank, your choice of words were quite poor. No one should 'need' someone in their life; that is reflective of someone who is entirely dependent on other people for a multitude of things, ranging from happiness to a sense of security. It seems to me that she perceived it as meaning that she's good enough for you to want to hang out with and sometimes have sex with, but not be in a relationship with. Don't kid yourself; you're doing everything a couple would do and the intimacy, as I stated before, was the next step. You reached that plateau and then shut her out...no bueno.

And again, despite all this, her being back with her ex so soon means that she also has her own issues to work out. Perhaps you should tell her next time you meet that you don't necessarily not want her in your life in that manner, but moreso you want her to get her stuff put together (where she is not bouncing around between dick boyfriends) before you'd seriously consider it. It would sound something like "Look XX, you're a great person, but I don't want any prospective girlfriend of mine to be willing to put up with douchebag boyfriends 'just to make it work'", in better words of course. Being a willing part of 'rocky' relationships is indicative of a lack of emotional and mental maturity, and although it might not be her fault for a few reasons, that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself to make her happy. You got that part right.

In summary, bad choice of words, proper action.

XD9JEN
06-07-2010, 7:38 AM
The XD is a fine pistol, I'm just teasing you. The only 3 features which I dislike are the grip safety, striker fire indicator, and the location of the loaded chamber indicator. I'm a Glock boy at heart :) Although I love quite a few other guns, and I'll own different brands... she was my first :wub:.

Bersa is a fine pistol. My only dislike is the .380 cartridge itself. It's essentially a 9mm short. So with the 9mm you get a larger round, better velocity/energy, in a package that's not that much larger than a .380. With that being said I wouldn't want to get shot with a .380 either. You just have more overall flexibility with a 9mm. But it's free... so I'll take it off your hands :whistling:

hahahahahaha...I work for guns! Well, I kid but it's kind of true:D I do odd jobs for a friend that has a PR company and he pays me by buying me a gun...that's how I got the XD. He has a Glock and I shot it against my XD and I like the sights on the XD better..although the XD seems to have a bit more of a kick when fired than the Glock..I haven't shot it much but starting to, so I'm sure I will get used to it.

Looked at the Glock 26 yesterday and I think it's to bulky for me and well....THE price was a bit of a put off!:eek:

himurax13
06-07-2010, 7:59 AM
Well that went about as horribly wrong as humanly possible... I don't think I could envision a worse outcome.

Oh well, I'm not a dad if that counts for anything. I have a few hours of work to do. Then I'll sit around and feel sorry for myself. Maybe a drive along the coast is in order and then wash and wax my car. Either that or drown myself in the toilet :(

There is always a possible worse outcome.:rolleyes:

For instance, she could have given you the gift that keeps on giving. You could have also given her the gift that keeps on giving for 18+ years. Her father could be some important person in your professional/personal life so the honorable thing will have to be done. Then 3 kids later, she leaves you for someone else (after your company goes under and you join the ranks of the unemployed) and takes the dog but leaves you with the mortgage, the kids, the credit card bills, the car loans, and her student loans.

Yikes, that sounds rather depressing. :D

jdewolf
06-07-2010, 10:56 AM
Perhaps you should tell her next time you meet...

In summary, bad choice of words, proper action.

Right on with your assessment of the situation.

Well I can't say that I will never talk to her again, because nothing is written in stone. However due to what happened I don't foresee myself talking or meeting with her again. There was a certain act of finality in my choice of words.

I'll agree I could have handled the situation with a bit more tact.

jdewolf
06-07-2010, 11:04 AM
hahahahahaha...I work for guns! Well, I kid but it's kind of true:D I do odd jobs for a friend that has a PR company and he pays me by buying me a gun...that's how I got the XD. He has a Glock and I shot it against my XD and I like the sights on the XD better..although the XD seems to have a bit more of a kick when fired than the Glock..I haven't shot it much but starting to, so I'm sure I will get used to it.

Looked at the Glock 26 yesterday and I think it's to bulky for me and well....THE price was a bit of a put off!:eek:

Well tell your friend I work for guns as well! Hook your buddy up :43:

No in reality you'll find that most people are very opinionated about brands, calibers, etc. At the end of the day it's about what you like and are comfortable with. Sometimes it's hard to relay sarcasm through text and it can all be lost in translation. But always remember... sights can be changed... [get a glock]

How much was the price on the G26 out of curiosity?

XD9JEN
06-07-2010, 11:42 AM
Well tell your friend I work for guns as well! Hook your buddy up :43:

No in reality you'll find that most people are very opinionated about brands, calibers, etc. At the end of the day it's about what you like and are comfortable with. Sometimes it's hard to relay sarcasm through text and it can all be lost in translation. But always remember... sights can be changed... [get a glock]

How much was the price on the G26 out of curiosity?

I hear ya, and I don't know enough about any gun to say really.

The G26 was high 500.00's closer to 600.00, I just didn't like it enough to pay that much.

jdewolf
06-07-2010, 11:52 AM
:O holy crap, that's way too high.

Was this at Turners?

For reference sake brand new it should be low $500's for a new one. Anything higher than that is highway robbery.

There's other little things you can do like join the GSSF to get special LE pricing, but finding a dealer that participates in the program can be a pain depending on where you live.

Regardless at least you went out and handled some firearms. I have to plan out my next purchase soon... so I'll do some man shopping :D

XD9JEN
06-07-2010, 11:57 AM
:O holy crap, that's way too high.

Was this at Turners?

For reference sake brand new it should be low $500's for a new one. Anything higher than that is highway robbery.

There's other little things you can do like join the GSSF to get special LE pricing, but finding a dealer that participates in the program can be a pain depending on where you live.

Regardless at least you went out and handled some firearms. I have to plan out my next purchase soon... so I'll do some man shopping :D

Yes it was at Turners...will check out this GSSF, see what it has to offer.:)

I love looking and seeing how they feel in my hand...thing is I do have small hands so my choices are limited because I don't feel comfortable when I know it doesn't feel right. Some would say, that has nothing to do with it...but for me it does.

jdewolf
06-07-2010, 12:07 PM
Comfort is very important, if you can't get a comfortable grip on a firearm then it's one additional distraction that you don't need. Plus followup shots can become a chore.

As for Turners, eh! Just in my opinion they're typical retail. Their prices are set higher to begin with. Just due to the psychological marketing when they have sales you think you're getting a good price, when in reality it's "OK" pricing. It does save the hassle of having to shop around. Money doesn't grow on tree's however :(

If you have small hands Glock's are a bit of a pain in the *** due to the double stack design. Do you have a local range that has a good selection nearby?

XD9JEN
06-07-2010, 1:22 PM
Comfort is very important, if you can't get a comfortable grip on a firearm then it's one additional distraction that you don't need. Plus followup shots can become a chore.

As for Turners, eh! Just in my opinion they're typical retail. Their prices are set higher to begin with. Just due to the psychological marketing when they have sales you think you're getting a good price, when in reality it's "OK" pricing. It does save the hassle of having to shop around. Money doesn't grow on tree's however :(

If you have small hands Glock's are a bit of a pain in the *** due to the double stack design. Do you have a local range that has a good selection nearby?

That's how I see it...and the XD is a bit big...so reasoning is in hopes of getting a CCW, I wanted a slimmer gun.

Turners prices are a joke...but choices are slim..do have an indoor range that I go to with a decent selection of rentals..before I got my own I tried different ones. I'm thinking down the line the Kahr 9mm might be nice.

jdewolf
06-07-2010, 1:43 PM
I believe I fondled a PM9 not so long ago. At least I believe it was, I'm not 100% sure. It was sexy as far as conceal-ability goes. The prospect of CCW's being obtainable for the "common person" [hopefully nothing bad has happened to you] is just downright exciting :D Concealment for me is a big issue because I'm small framed, no hips, and small waist.

Now I want to goto the range and do some gun shopping... :(

XD9JEN
06-07-2010, 1:50 PM
I believe I fondled a PM9 not so long ago. At least I believe it was, I'm not 100% sure. It was sexy as far as conceal-ability goes. The prospect of CCW's being obtainable for the "common person" [hopefully nothing bad has happened to you] is just downright exciting :D Concealment for me is a big issue because I'm small framed, no hips, and small waist.

Now I want to goto the range and do some gun shopping... :(

It was definitely a nice looking gun. No, nothing bad has happened I just want my right just as others do, and I'm hoping that this will come to pass.

I also have a small frame and that's my concern as well. Guess next issue will be which frickin holster to buy...lol

jdewolf
06-07-2010, 2:30 PM
There is always a possible worse outcome.:rolleyes:

For instance, she could have given you the gift that keeps on giving. You could have also given her the gift that keeps on giving for 18+ years. Her father could be some important person in your professional/personal life so the honorable thing will have to be done. Then 3 kids later, she leaves you for someone else (after your company goes under and you join the ranks of the unemployed) and takes the dog but leaves you with the mortgage, the kids, the credit card bills, the car loans, and her student loans.

Yikes, that sounds rather depressing. :D

That would lead me to severe alcoholism and depression. Then again by thinking and preparing for the worst possible outcome... things can only get better! Of course unless you create a self fulfilling prophecy by preparing for it... divine comedy... yes indeed.

jdewolf
06-07-2010, 2:41 PM
It was definitely a nice looking gun. No, nothing bad has happened I just want my right just as others do, and I'm hoping that this will come to pass.

I also have a small frame and that's my concern as well. Guess next issue will be which frickin holster to buy...lol

Well the good news is there's a lot of Pro CCW sheriff's in the race. Hopefully in whatever area you live in they get elected, so be sure to vote :)

I wonder if there are any specific concealment holsters designed for women in mind. I've seen like compression short type models, belly bands, etc... dunno how those would work out. I know the Crossbreed Supertuck & Minotaur are very popular, but again I don't think they were designed for women... and women generally like to wear their pants tighter so who knows. I'm just talking [typing] out loud here. Anything to avoid working :D

XD9JEN
06-07-2010, 3:00 PM
Well the good news is there's a lot of Pro CCW sheriff's in the race. Hopefully in whatever area you live in they get elected, so be sure to vote :)

I wonder if there are any specific concealment holsters designed for women in mind. I've seen like compression short type models, belly bands, etc... dunno how those would work out. I know the Crossbreed Supertuck & Minotaur are very popular, but again I don't think they were designed for women... and women generally like to wear their pants tighter so who knows. I'm just talking [typing] out loud here. Anything to avoid working :D

Yes there are a few out there and let's see if they keep their word. There's a voting place right around the corner from where I live so I won't be missing out!

Guess I could start a thread on the subject of concealment holsters...

hahahahahaaha...yes, we do tend to wear tighter clothing...I highly doubt that we can truly conceal...Might have to be the old purse carry, which I don't think is good enough for me. Work is slow for me so no problem there:D

XD9JEN
06-07-2010, 3:27 PM
Yes there are a few out there and let's see if they keep their word. There's a voting place right around the corner from where I live so I won't be missing out!

Guess I could start a thread on the subject of concealment holsters...

hahahahahaaha...yes, we do tend to wear tighter clothing...I highly doubt that we can truly conceal...Might have to be the old purse carry, which I don't think is good enough for me. Work is slow for me so no problem there:D

I checked out the Supertuck...nice but of course...must try it on

jdewolf
06-07-2010, 3:41 PM
I checked out the Supertuck...nice but of course...must try it on

I'm torn between the 2. I like the Minotaur's smaller footprint and the fact you can adjust the tension and the swap the kydex bodies. I'm not fond of the plastic clips and the fact that it's going to be a little thicker.

My main concern with the Supertuck is the fact that it will have a larger footprint. I'm worried that it might wrap around a bit too much just due to how I'm built.

Solution? I just ordered both :D

XD9JEN
06-07-2010, 3:55 PM
I'm torn between the 2. I like the Minotaur's smaller footprint and the fact you can adjust the tension and the swap the kydex bodies. I'm not fond of the plastic clips and the fact that it's going to be a little thicker.

My main concern with the Supertuck is the fact that it will have a larger footprint. I'm worried that it might wrap around a bit too much just due to how I'm built.

Solution? I just ordered both :D

Wish I could just order them but some things I need to see in person...guess I will be screwed if no one carries them in the store;)

jdewolf
06-07-2010, 7:06 PM
I know, it's a shame that you don't know any helpful people who happen to own both... :whistling:

XD9JEN
06-07-2010, 8:01 PM
I know, it's a shame that you don't know any helpful people who happen to own both... :whistling:

hahahahahahaha...hmmmmmmmmm wonder who that might be;):)

jdewolf
06-07-2010, 8:13 PM
:confused: :innocent: