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View Full Version : SFGate - Hi! Come in! Please, no murdering


GrizzlyGuy
02-07-2010, 6:38 AM
I saw this article by longtime anti-gunner Mark Morford (http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2010/02/05/notes020510.DTL) celebrated over on the Brady blog (http://blog.bradycampaign.org/?p=1739).

Brady intro:

This past Wednesday, columnist Mark Morford helped explain — in the satirical voice of a business owner — why “open carry” advocates advancing the gun lobby’s agenda by parading their guns into the local coffee shop is a really stupid idea.

Morford's column:

Hello and welcome to our store! Please, feel free to look around, make yourself comfortable, enjoy our fine offerings and, oh yes, by the way? Please, no murdering.

Also, no raping, gang-banging, popping off, stabbing, mauling, stealing stuff, or walking around in a confrontational macho huff, ready at a moment's notice to harass any of our normal patrons with a snarl and a vague threat of violence because you feel it is your God-given right, given how you are a card-carrying member of a pro-gun "Open Carry" sect that likes to strap unloaded handguns to your Wranglers, walk around in public places and freak people out. Thank you so much!

I'm sorry, I see you are still wearing your little weapon and strutting about like you are the rather doughy, bad-skinned king of the sand castle. Perhaps we were not clear? Shall we try it again?

Clearly, you are not a police officer. Therefore, the management, our employees and pretty much everyone within a 100-mile radius would very much appreciate it if you would put away that ego-fluffing man-toy that is designed solely to kill other living creatures and induce fear and ignorance as it regresses every hesitant advancement in the human soul back to caveman grunting lunkishness. Thank you again!

Oh, please do not misunderstand! We are all terribly impressed. It is so very patriotic of you to show off your little popper! Are you in a gang? Are you a drug dealer? Are you going to shoot some scary terrorists, Mr. pallid paranoid Constitution-misquoting videogame-addicted guy? Protect all of us here in the casual neighborhood coffee shop from those crazy liberals and their health care reform and organic pretzels? Thank you so much! But really, I think we'll be OK without your little display. Enjoy your frappucino, won't you?

What, no drink? You now wish to order nothing at all and instead plop yourself down in the corner, plug in your laptop and angrily scour Facebook all day for evidence that your ex-girlfriend, the one who left you two years ago at a full, what-the-hell-was-I-thinking sprint, is now dating a liberal or a pacifist or an atheist and is far, far happier than she ever was with you? We understand. We appreciate your desire to partake of our free Wi-Fi, buy nothing and not give a damn that we can't really stay in business that way.

Why, look at you! Refusing to step away from the counter and instead choosing to read aloud from your little card that says how it's completely legal to carry an unconcealed, unloaded firearm in a public space! Way to stand up for your rights! God bless America!

Turns out you are right. It is legal, sort of. Then again, so is eating gravel, wearing a giant hat made of cow manure and squirrel tails, and slapping yourself in the face repeatedly while ranting semicoherently about Jesus, masturbation and Shania Twain. And you don't see anyone doing that, do you? Except Carl over there?

We realize it might seem unfair. Far be it from us here at the neighborhood cafe, where families and small children and book readers come to chat and feel slightly better about their day, to ask you to leave because your energy is so low and repellant and also downright silly.

But nevertheless, I'm afraid that's exactly what we're going to do. We would appreciate it if you would take your business elsewhere. Right now. No? Very well.

We had hoped it wouldn't come to this. We had hoped to find a better resolution. However, in response to your insistence on carrying a firearm into our premises, we have no choice but to change our official policy, right here and now, on the spot.

Again, we mean no offense, you jingoistic lump of mancrazy. You are indeed well within your rights to be a thoroughly paranoid coward who has no real inner strength, confidence or social skills, to a degree that you feel you must carry a deadly weapon around to feel like you even exist. We understand your thinking completely. It's basic psychology. Very, very basic. Childish, even.

So then. Like any business, we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone. But we realize there are some people for whom this is not specific or clear enough. We realize some people have to have it, you know, spelled out and publicly displayed.

Therefore, we have revised our list. Please note the new sign we have just posted on the front door. We have expanded and clarified a few things. We hope it helps.

Effective immediately on these premises, there will be:

* No murdering

* No raping

* No pillaging

* No gun slinging, pistol-whipping, sucker-punching

* No mauling, jabbing, stabbing, hating or undermining

* No screaming bloody murder

* No morons

* No panicking

* No testing on animals

* No jumping for Joy. While she appreciates your enthusiasm, our cashier is happily married. Thank you

* No live birthing

* No dumping

* No livestock

* No smoking

* No smoking the livestock

* No exit

* No way out

* No diving

* No spitting

* No way!

* No Crusades

* No "Star Trek" re-enactments

* No skinny-dipping in the half-n-half

* No doubt

Thank you so much for understanding. Free sample biscotti on your way out?

CalNRA
02-07-2010, 6:56 AM
meh, freedom of press is just that, it also protects the intolerant ones.

He gets to rant for his target audience, I have my guns. Everyone lives happily, at least that's the way it should be.

Just don't expect me go out of my way to help him if I ever see him in imminent danger. I'll call the police and let them help him when they get the chance.

karma is a *****.

jrara
02-07-2010, 7:34 AM
meh, freedom of press is just that, it also protects the intolerant ones.

He gets to rant for his target audience, I have my guns. Everyone lives happily, at least that's the way it should be.

Just don't expect me go out of my way to help him if I ever see him in imminent danger. I'll call the police and let them help him when they get the chance.

karma is a *****.

Well said

tenpercentfirearms
02-07-2010, 7:43 AM
karma is a *****.

Farce? Joseph Stalin is the best proof that karma is bull crap. Killed millions, died an old man. Bye, bye karma.

bodger
02-07-2010, 7:45 AM
Man, what an angry negative fellow we have here.
So, because I own a gun and wish to exercise my Constitutional Rights, I am:

Doughy (whatever that means)
Bad skinned
Induce fear and ignorance
My girlfriend will be happier with a liberal, atheist, or pacifist
Legal, sort of.
Jingoistic paranoid coward
Possessed of no inner strength

Wow, I am enlightened now. I guess I should hate myself and my guns.

....nah.:D

cdtx2001
02-07-2010, 8:03 AM
After reading that, I feel there is no point in attempting to go on the way I was before. I mean, no more spitting????? Why? I could understand everything else in there, but I can't spit anymore?? I give up now, they win.

When that place is in the middle of getting robbed and that happy cashier is getting pistol whipped, I hope someone calls the cops for help. Obviously there won't be anyone legally carrying a gun to help.

Lone_Gunman
02-07-2010, 8:39 AM
This is why I will just continue to LUCC and look like just any other random guy in a coffee shop with a back pack. UOC just gives the vocal idiots more reason to yell.

Nodda Duma
02-07-2010, 9:29 AM
I can't tell.... Is his satire directed towards law-abiding citizens, or against the criminal elements that pervade his neighborhood?

CitaDeL
02-07-2010, 9:39 AM
I can't tell.... Is his satire directed towards law-abiding citizens, or against the criminal elements that pervade his neighborhood?

Allow me to answer on his behalf in the manner we should expect;

"There's a difference?..."

This is an illustration of the anti-gun perspective- they view anyone carrying a gun without a badge of authority as a criminal. In their world view, only police and criminals carry guns- there is no in between. Blur the distinction between the badge and the criminal and they would ban arming police too.

Smokeybehr
02-07-2010, 10:13 AM
Wow, did he hit every single stereotype that the Liberal/Progressive/Socialist mind has against the Conservative/Libertarian gun owner? Let's run through the list:

First paragraph: Equating lawful gun ownership with illegal activities carried out by criminals. Equating gun ownership with a false sense of machismo. Calling gun owners violent, scary, cowboys.

Second paragraph: Equating gun owners with bullies

Third paragraph: The "only cops should have guns" strawman. The "guns are only to kill people" strawman. Equating gun ownership as boosting a low self-esteem. Equating gun owners with cavemen.

Fourth paragraph: Gun owners are false patriots. Equating gun owners with criminals (again). Calling gun owners paranoid, ignorant, and bigoted.

Fifth paragraph: Gun owners are stalkers. Gun owners are poor and cheapskates.

Sixth through ninth paragraph: Gun owers would rather argue than respect other's rights. Gun owners are backwards, ignorant (again) and insane. Gun owners are "Jesus Freaks", deviants, "Rednecks". Guns are scary to families and little children (alternatively, guns will jump out of the holster and kill only families and little children). Gun owners are energy vampires (it's a new-age thing)

Eleventh (and culminating) paragraph: Gun owners are "Jingoistic", crazy (again), paranoid (again), cowardly, self-doubting, socially awkward, childish. Gun ownership is self-justification.

I don't think he missed one stereotype, save that gun owners are baby-rapers and cannibals, but he got close. I'm actually stunned at the man's ignorance.

GrizzlyGuy
02-07-2010, 10:41 AM
I don't think he missed one stereotype, save that gun owners are baby-rapers and cannibals, but he got close. I'm actually stunned at the man's ignorance.

Yup. The stereotyping and condescension seems to be in the DNA of many on the left. An interesting Washington Post article came out this morning and gives some perspective: Why are liberals so condescending? (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/04/AR2010020403698_pf.html)

Excerpt:

Liberals have dismissed conservative thinking for decades, a tendency encapsulated by Lionel Trilling's 1950 remark that conservatives do not "express themselves in ideas but only in action or in irritable mental gestures which seek to resemble ideas." During the 1950s and '60s, liberals trivialized the nascent conservative movement. Prominent studies and journalistic accounts of right-wing politics at the time stressed paranoia, intolerance and insecurity, rendering conservative thought more a psychiatric disorder than a rival. In 1962, Richard Hofstadter referred to "the Manichaean style of thought, the apocalyptic tendencies, the love of mystification, the intolerance of compromise that are observable in the right-wing mind."

Some things never change... :rolleyes:

WileyWilly
02-07-2010, 10:50 AM
While I am not an advocate of Open Carry, I can't help but feel that this sort of policy and sign posting is going to make it easier for a criminal to choose a weaker target (gun free zone).

kap
02-07-2010, 11:43 AM
Farce? Joseph Stalin is the best proof that karma is bull crap. Killed millions, died an old man. Bye, bye karma.

That's anecdotal. He was just thorough. He just killed everyone who ever wanted to kill him so he beat the odds.

1911_sfca
02-07-2010, 11:57 AM
And when someone *does* come into the cafe that wants to do him some harm, will Morford still be parading around on his liberal high horse? No, he will be huddled in a fetal position on the ground, muttering something about how he is being prosecuted and victimized, and how the police should be there protecting him because it's their job. And the open carry advocate will be long gone and unable to protect him. Pity.

rromeo
02-07-2010, 12:56 PM
I don't think he missed one stereotype, save that gun owners are baby-rapers and cannibals, but he got close. I'm actually stunned at the man's ignorance.
I think it's the fault of the open carriers.


Clearly, you are not a police officer. Therefore, the management, our employees and pretty much everyone within a 100-mile radius would very much appreciate it if you would put away that ego-fluffing man-toy that is designed solely to kill other living creatures and induce fear and ignorance as it regresses every hesitant advancement in the human soul back to caveman grunting lunkishness. Thank you again!

bruss01
02-07-2010, 12:56 PM
I'm not sure who was being mocked in that rant. The person "speaking" came off at least as ridiculous as those he was trying to mock.

It sounds like the way to make this guy happy would be to allow concealed carry. That way folks could have their personal protection, and those around them who are wigged out by such a concept need never know. Problem solved, right?

Thrasher416
02-07-2010, 1:49 PM
That's anecdotal. He was just thorough. He just killed everyone who ever wanted to kill him so he beat the odds.

There was some irony though, he was so feared by everyone that his own guards were afraid to check to see if he was alright.

On 1 March 1953, after an all-night dinner in his Kuntsevo residence some 15 km west of Moscow centre with interior minister Lavrentiy Beria and future premiers Georgy Malenkov, Nikolai Bulganin and Nikita Khrushchev, Stalin did not emerge from his room, having probably suffered a stroke that paralyzed the right side of his body.

Although his guards thought that it was odd for him not to rise at his usual time, they were under orders not to disturb him. At around 10 p.m. he was discovered by Peter Lozgachev, the Deputy Commandant of Kuntsevo, who recalled a horrifying scene of Stalin lying on the floor of his room wearing pyjama bottoms and an undershirt and was soaked in stale urine. A frightened Lozgachev asked Stalin what has happened but his all he could get out of the Generalissimo was unintelligible responses that sounded like "Dzhh." Lozgachez frantically called a few party officials asking them to send good doctors.[245] Lavrentiy Beria was informed and arrived a few hours afterwards, and the doctors only arrived in the early morning of 2 March. Stalin died four days later, on 5 March 1953[5], at the age of 74, and was embalmed on 9 March. Officially, the cause of death was listed as a cerebral hemorrhage. His body was preserved in Lenin's Mausoleum until 31 October 1961, when his body was removed from the Mausoleum and buried next to the Kremlin walls as part of the process of de-Stalinization.

Source
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Stalin#Death_and_aftermath

Hopi
02-07-2010, 2:18 PM
I can't tell.... Is his satire directed towards law-abiding citizens, or against the criminal elements that pervade his neighborhood?

Nah, just that evil gun lobby.

hill billy
02-07-2010, 2:20 PM
My goodness but Mr. Morford is an angry little man. Constitution misquoting? Oh I doubt very highly he has ever even read it.

B Strong
02-07-2010, 3:36 PM
let me tell you about Morford.

He's the Count Marco (without the character) of the 1990's.

http://articles.sfgate.com/1996-10-29/news/17784849_1_baby-whale-chronicle-war-service

Marco had an act that was absolutely dedicated to outrageous statements, specifically intended to piss readers off - the more he pissed them off, the more they read his column.

Morford probably could care less about OC or anything else that doesn't involve his immediate gratification.

N6ATF
02-08-2010, 12:23 AM
I think it's the fault of the open carriers.

Everything is the fault of the open carriers.

:rolleyes:

dantodd
02-08-2010, 12:28 AM
Hello and welcome to our store! Please, feel free to look around, make yourself comfortable, enjoy our fine offerings and, oh yes, by the way? Please, no murdering.

Also, no raping, gang-banging, popping off, stabbing, mauling,....

Thank you so much!

If to ensure the demand of "not murdering" he requires me to leave my gun at the door what does he expect me to leave at the door to ensure the "no raping" request.

bigcalidave
02-08-2010, 12:29 AM
Please don't bother quoting this crap. We know there are people who absolutely don't get it. It's not really a surprise.

SJgunguy24
02-08-2010, 12:51 AM
This guy seems to be very angry at something and we happen to be in his cross hairs.

Whatever IT is that he's mad at i'm glad he isn't packing heat, he's more likely to shoot somebody with anger issues like that.

PEBKAC
02-08-2010, 1:23 AM
If to ensure the demand of "not murdering" he requires me to leave my gun at the door what does he expect me to leave at the door to ensure the "no raping" request.
You know I once read this great comic that touched somewhat on the latter topic in an ultra tangential way... :D

Thing that worries me is that if stores are going to tell us we can't bring our guns in, what are we supposed to do? Prop them up against the wall outside? Last I checked most businesses don't have gun check facilities of some sort. :rolleyes:

dantodd
02-08-2010, 1:38 AM
Last I checked most businesses don't have gun check facilities of some sort. :rolleyes:

I have often thought that this should be a minimum requirement if one wishes to exclude guns from a business. It should DEFINITELY be a requirement for any government regulated "sensitive area." Giving me a court date but saying I have no right to carry a gun into the courthouse is essentially stripping me of the right to self-defense from the time I leave the house until I return home after court, jury duty etc.

cbn620
02-08-2010, 2:09 AM
It's always funny reading crap like this when you're a gun owner who also happens to be liberal, atheist, or pacifist. Because, I mean, none of those--even pacifism--really have anything to do with gun ownership or bearing arms.

I actually like some of the stuff I've read in the Chronicle, but it's articles like this that keep me from ever paying for any of it.

It's funny because his entire first paragraph is pretty much the reason I oppose "gun free zones": they basically amount to a "please do not [insert crime]" sign, and unfortunately we all know how much people who commit crimes love following rules.

The rest of it is generalizations, downright stereotyping, and pure ad hominem.

hollabillz
02-08-2010, 4:21 AM
http://images.starcraftmazter.net/4chan/for_forums/looks_like_a_troll.jpg

creampuff
02-08-2010, 4:53 AM
For those who aren't from the Bay Area, Murford or whatever his name is, for the past several years based his column on Bush bashing, and he had (and still has) his SF following. Now that the purpose of his life is gone, and it wouldn't look to good to praise Obama each week, he has gone on to bashing Christians. Looks like he has deviated a little on this article to bash gun owners.

There is nothing to be gained by losing sleep over him, nor his devoted followers.

yellowfin
02-08-2010, 5:00 AM
If nothing else, this article shows what a load of hypocritical horse dung the "protected classes" system is. If he were talking about virtually ANYONE else but gun owners he would be dragged through such hell for libel for this and probably never able to show his face in public again. Mel Gibson, anyone?

Werewolf1021
02-08-2010, 5:13 AM
The guy is a YOGA teacher!
http://cdn0.knowyourmeme.com/i/26035/original/obvious_troll.jpg

creampuff
02-08-2010, 5:15 AM
Sadly folks he isn't trolling. That is the inane garbage he spews out each week.

VW*Mike
02-08-2010, 8:23 AM
Wow. What an idiot. He is really angry and negative. Speaking of negative, I hope he is put in a position where he wishes he was armed. Guys like him don't get it, and never will.

IGOTDIRT4U
02-08-2010, 11:16 AM
Just don't expect me go out of my way to help him if I ever see him in imminent danger. I'll call the police and let them help him when they get the chance.

karma is a *****.

LMAO!

Syntax Error
02-08-2010, 12:38 PM
This idiot doesn't deserve any attention, honestly.

Guy B. Meredith
02-08-2010, 4:53 PM
This guy is a shock jock; self indulgent, narcissistic, simpering queen (GBLT will assure you that is a PC term, so don't delete the post).

Typical liberal spew: derision, demonizing, no actual intelligent dealing with the subject matter.

I can just visualize him looking in the mirror as he writes and throwing himself a congratulatory kiss for clever wording so I gave up even looking for his articles a long time back. :rolleyes:

DTOM CA!
02-08-2010, 5:13 PM
I say the next Calguns meeting in the area invite him to give his counter point to OC. Invite him to go shooting a night or 2 before so he can understand of what he speaks. It would be a real eye opener that we are not a bunch Militia nut jobs who want to shoot somebody. IMO if he did not accept he could never have a credible article on the subject and it could always be brought up he refused to see 1st hand the BS he writes about.

Guy B. Meredith
02-08-2010, 5:20 PM
Marky baby will do nothing to tilt his boat. He absolutely has no interest in reality or honesty. It's all about being a clever preacher to his shrill, bigoted liberal choir.

AndrewMendez
02-08-2010, 5:27 PM
This guy has some serious issues. If I where an anti, this guy would piss me off. Nothing but his biased opinion. Just goes to show you, the type of person that is behind Brady, and its "bunch." Maybe I should send him a picture of my Degree, maybe my girlfriends too, hell I will include it with a picture of my daughter holding an AR...better yet, a home video, of when she was 4 and a half, explaining why guns are tools, and protect people.

.454
02-08-2010, 5:38 PM
Truth is the people like Moford and the Bradyites who hate guns are right. I see their point when they talk about feeling "scared and uneasy" (as a liberal wrote in the comments to the article) when when they go in a coffee shop and see people who are showing their guns.

I too feel "scared and uneasy" when I go into a coffee shop and see black people or latinos sitting at the tables and minding their cup of Joe. Sure I agree, the overwhelming majority of them are not murderers, rapists and child molesters but since statistics are showing 85% of the prison population in the US is black or hispanic, why risk going in a coffee shop and get killed by one of them?

Dear Mr. Moford: since you seem to consider all gun owners as being potential murderers and gangbangers, maybe in the future you should consider writing a similar piece about blacks and hispanics. Oh, and gays. Since they represent over 80% of the people infected, gay people can kill you with AIDS. And just like with gun owners who scare the shaite out of you only by being present in the same room you are, gay people can give you AIDS only by breathing the same air as you do. You see Mr. Mofo, gays just like the gun owners you hate so much have a lifestyle and values different than yours, Mr. Moford so... they must be dangerous, right?
Maybe it is time we should at least consider putting some pressure on the owners of dinners and coffee shops to make them post signs with "No Blacks, Hispanics and Gays" at the entrance in their establishments.
Looking forward to read your next article, Mofo. Cheers!

grammaton76
02-08-2010, 5:43 PM
I will say that the guy who wrote the UOC piece bashing the Minutemen in San Diego county should take lessons from the guy who wrote this piece. It was against us, sure. But it managed to actually be funny in the process, as enjoyable satire should.

Guy B. Meredith
02-08-2010, 6:27 PM
Funny??? Hard for me to find other than self congratulatory chuckles there.

.454,

Re: "You see Mr. Mofo, gays just like the gun owners you hate so much have a lifestyle and values different than yours..."

Uh, I do believe he IS gay... Or as my gay cousin's partner once remarked about a swishy waiter at a restaurant where we were dining, "If he's straight I feel sorry for him."

.454
02-08-2010, 6:47 PM
Funny??? Hard for me to find other than self congratulatory chuckles there.

.454,

Re: "You see Mr. Mofo, gays just like the gun owners you hate so much have a lifestyle and values different than yours..."

Uh, I do believe he IS gay... Or as my gay cousin's partner once remarked about a swishy waiter at a restaurant where we were dining, "If he's straight I feel sorry for him."

Well then...maybe we should find out what restaurants and coffee shops he is patronizing and ask the owners to refuse him service. For public safety reasons, of course. Everyone knows AIDS kills several times more people every year than guns do.