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yzernie
07-04-2009, 4:23 PM
Anyone who has been in law enforcement for a long time may remember this below “Real Cops Don't Eat Donuts” article from many, many years ago…somewhere around the late 70’s. This was originally written and publicized in the Peace Officers Research Association of California (PORAC NEWS) publication when it was actually written on newspaper. It was meant as a satire piece with old school demented humor.

***Disclaimer***
This contains language that WAS acceptable during the time it was published. If you are easily offended and/or a part of the “weak sisters club” please refrain from reading it. If you choose to go forward from here read at your own risk.






Real Cops come from all walks of life, but some make the transition more easily than others. Most Real Cops are veterans, former SEALS, Green Berets or Rangers. Professional bouncers and former NFL linebackers and have a good background for becoming Real Cops, as do steel workers and longshoremen. Very few authors, English teachers, nuns or interior decorators make it to the ranks of Real Cops.

Real Cops rarely have college degrees and NEVER have post-graduate degrees. A Real Cop learns everything he ever needs to know on the street. He goes to Advanced Officer Training ONLY when he is ordered to, but he doesn't like it one bit. He did like the Basic Academy though and it reminded him of boot camp.

Real Cops like civilians to call them "Officer" or “Deputy” while their friends call them by their last names. Really close friends may address Real Cops by their nicknames. Real Cops have nicknames like "Bubba", "Slugger", "Animal" and "Babe."

Real Cops heroes are Clint Eastwood, J. Edgar Hoover, Charles Bronson, Judge Roy Bean, Samuel L. Colt, Ronald Reagan, Sgt. Alvin York, Chesty Puller, Dr. Richard J. Gattling, John Wayne and the entire Spanish Inquisition.

Real Cops anti-heroes are Jerry Brown, Eric Estrada, Timothy Leary, Richard Simmons, Charles Manson, Rosalyn Bird, Jane Fonda and the entire US Supreme Court.

Real Cops wear sunglasses day and night. They wear genuine Ray-Ban Aviators. Although usually worn with the dark green or mirror lenses, yellow shooting lenses are perfectly acceptable. A Real Cop never wears any glasses purchased at K-Mart or made in France and has no idea at all who is "Behind those Foster Grant's."

Real Cops work in uniform. The wear custom tailored wool uniforms, summer and winter. You could cut yourself on their military creases. They don't wear whistle lanyards or chains. Their pants have sap pockets and A Real Cop uses them for what God intended. A Real Cop won't ever wear a dickie. He won't even say the word.

Real Cops polish their badges, but only when they know an inspection is coming up. They preserve the finish with spar varnish... never with nail polish. Real Cops don't wear shooting badges.....they wear notches in their gun grips.

Real Cops, underneath their uniforms, wear genuine "Jockey" brand T-shirt’s and underwear. He doesn't wear colored shorts, leopard-skin shorts, lo-rise or fishnet briefs, Calvin Klein shorts or anything made by Fruit-Of-The-Loom. A Real Cop won't have anything to do with a fruit, and sure as hell doesn't want it in his shorts.

Real Cops have moustaches.....Full ones. They wear their sideburns squared off, with no taper. Real Cops don't own blow dryers, 'fro combs or rat-tail brushes. A Real Cop's hair is too short to be affected by any of these things. Most Real Cops think that "blow-dry” is some new euphemism for a perverted act.

Real Cops stay in shape while off duty. They like active sports like baseball, tackle football, shot put, weightlifting, arm-wrestling and beer drinking. They drink Budweiser and Michelob, none of those unhealthy "light" or foreign beers. They never get involved in trendy sports like racquetball or roller-disco.

Real Cops, while on duty, drink coffee and they drink it black. They NEVER eat doughnuts on duty. They call them "gut-bombs."

Real Cops use words like these; Adam Henry, barfbag, dirtbag, dogbreath, choir practice, douchebag, hairball, maggot, puke, punk, scrote, scumbag, slimeball and wimp.

Real Cops never use words like these; Anti-Social Homeopath, awesome, barf-out, detention, dialogue, gag me with a spoon, gnarly, groady, maladjusted, mentally disordered, miscreant, perpetrator, rad, rapport, recidivist, tubular and tush. (NOTE- these words may be used by Real Cops when being interviewed by the press.)

Real Cops, while on duty, always carries a weapon that complies with Department Regulations. He prefers a Smith & Wesson or a Colt, in .357 or larger. Dan Wesson's are a little too dressy for the Real Cop. He carries his off-duty weapon as a backup, (most Real Cops carry three or four such weapons at all times). An off-duty weapon is always a larger caliber than his Department issued weapon, usually a .44 Magnum or a 45 auto. He uses the heaviest ammunition he can find and cross cuts the noses to maximize their spread on impact.

Real Cops leather gear is black basket weave with snaps. Velcro and Clarino are for wimps.

Real Cops don't carry a Mondanock, a Yarawa Stick or a Kubaton. A Real Cop carries a straight stick and it is made of hickory and makes a crack like hitting a home run when he uses it. The sound reminds you of Reggie Jackson knocking one into the bleachers.

Real Cops don't carry a quartz-halogen Streamlite.....he isn't afraid of the dark. A Real Cop carries a four-cell Kel-light that hasn't worked in years. The batteries are wrapped in lead foil to add weight to it. He keeps a toothbrush and a little bleach in his locker to clean the foreign matter out of the knurling.

Real Cops don't wear Oxfords, hall-boots, flight boots or special orthopedic Thorogood shoes. Real Cops wear spit-shined G.I. Combat boots and they lace up....no zippers and they have Vibram soles.

Real Cops drive a patrol car is black and white. He might drive an all-white unit if forced to, but would never set foot in one painted with pastel colors or color-accent stripes. The Real Cop's car is equipped with lights and siren and heavy duty push bars that he uses to terminate pursuits. A Remington 870-pump shotgun is mounted upright on the dashboard. The Real Cop's car has no prisoner cage......he can control his prisoners without one.

A Real Cop's patrol car is equipped with a desmogged V8 engine and heavy duty alternator. It burns leaded premium gas and always smells like scorched asbestos. The air cleaner lid is turned upside down so the car breathes better, or it may have been thrown away altogether. A Real Cop never checks the oil or water.....he wasn't hired for that sort of work. He just drives his assigned unit as fast as it will go until the engine pukes, then he calls for a tow truck and walks away from it. (NOTE-A Real Cop's patrol car hasn't been made for a long time. The last one was the 1977 Dodge Polaris Police Pursuit with a 440 cubic inch engine and Posi-traction rear end.)

Real Cops drive with their windows rolled down, rain or shine. They write citations for 20MPH over the limit. They don't stop cars with burnt-out license plate lights, they stop them for exhibition of speed, vehicular manslaughter and DWI. Real Cops work radar out of the car, standing in the number one traffic lane. They hold their radar gun in a two-handed combat stance and flag down the offenders. A driver ALWAYS stops for a Real Cop.

Real Cops don't use pursuit cases or attaché cases. A Real Cop carries all his extra gear in a tote bag. The tote bag is either black, or red with the Marine Corps bulldog logo. Inside is a sawed-off 12-gauge shotgun, extra boxes of ammunition for both the shotgun and his sidearm, (Real Cops learned from the SLA shoot-out and don't want to get caught short), camouflage greasepaint, extra handcuffs (Peerless, no flex-cuffs), a pair of binoculars and a couple of frag grenades.

Real Cops own car is a lot like his patrol car. It's an American made car or pickup with a V8 engine and oversize black wall tires. It may have decals from CLEAT, the NRA, Smith & Wesson, Colt or the United States Marine Corps. You will never see a rainbow decal, smiling face, or "Have A Nice Day" decal on A Real Cop's personal vehicle. The car is equipped with a push-button AM radio. He listens to news, weather and sports.

Real Cops wear as distinctive a uniform off-duty as they wear on-duty. A Real Cop wears genuine Levi’s, western shirts from Sears-Roebuck and baseball caps with the initials of their agency. Real Cops don't wear designer jeans, Izod shirts, muscle shirts, Hawaiian floral prints or gold chains. Real Cops wear Pendleton wool shirts and windbreakers to cover their weapon, which they ALWAYS carry.

Real Cops.....It's a way of life. Now you know the ideal, the standard of perfection by which you and your peers are measured. How do you stack up? Anything less than a Real Cop is a wimp.

Shoot high, a Real Cop always does.

SVT-40
07-04-2009, 5:17 PM
I remember that "article" being passed around.

I have a similar one from the late 1970's entitled "Why Cop's hate you" Very very black humor.

It's VERY NOT P.C. maybe I'll try and tone it down and post it.

bluestaterebel
07-04-2009, 5:56 PM
mmmm doughnuts

sgtbuck
07-04-2009, 8:39 PM
I always felt I missed the best time for being a Officer. The 70s were the S***... I always looked up to those guys. Most all are retired now. The stories they would tell. The things they could do.

Ron-Solo
07-04-2009, 9:47 PM
I came in the late 70's, they were fun.

retired
07-04-2009, 9:59 PM
I came in the late 70's, they were fun.

Still a rookie.:p;) j/k

Jonathan Doe
07-04-2009, 10:02 PM
During my time on the streets, I stopped by the Winchells twice. Both times, I didn't eat donuts nor did I drink coffee. Each time, I just got a cup of hot chocolate because if was cold night.:rolleyes:

Fire in the Hole
07-04-2009, 10:04 PM
I always felt I missed the best time for being a Officer. The 70s were the S***... I always looked up to those guys. Most all are retired now. The stories they would tell. The things they could do.

Back when Joseph Wambaugh's books like "The Chiorboys", "The New Centurians", and "The Blue Knight" read like reality documentaries. If a young rookie read them today, he's think that they were fantasty fiction.
I was lucky enough to begin my LE career in the late 70's. What times!!

"Documentation, why would I want to do that?"

sgtbuck
07-05-2009, 12:18 AM
Back when Joseph Wambaugh's books like "The Chiorboys", "The New Centurians", and "The Blue Knight" read like reality documentaries. If a young rookie read them today, he's think that they were fantasty fiction.
I was lucky enough to begin my LE career in the late 70's. What times!!

"Documentation, why would I want to do that?"

I read them all and saw the movies as a teen. George Kennedy in The Blue Knight being my fav.

As for doughnuts I will neither confirm nor deny, I plead the 5th :rolleyes:

forgiven
07-05-2009, 2:38 AM
Sorry, but I do like the occasional Hawaiian shirt.

yzernie
07-05-2009, 7:51 AM
I always felt I missed the best time for being a Officer. The 70s were the S***... I always looked up to those guys. Most all are retired now. The stories they would tell. The things they could do.
When I look back to the early parts of my career I smile at the memories.... :thumbsup:

I will say though, if some of the things we did then happened today, we'd have a room reserved at Terminal Island. :(

ETA: Nothing wrong with an occasional Hawaiian shirt!!!!!! :D